Cyanide
by Indifferent Nobody
Summary: What would happen if Shuichi snapped? What happens when your love becomes your poison? This is not a pleasant story, it is rated M for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Cyanide is not a story for the faint of hearted, it is not pleasant, and depicts harsh truths. This is the only warning I will write about this story.

Cyanide- Chapter 1

How did things ever go to shit like this? I suppose it doesn't really matter, they're about to end either way. I guess I should start at the beginning or should I say the beginning of the end? It goes back to two and a half years ago when I was 21.

I laid there on the cold, hard concrete my body sore. It had happened again, I had been raped; a part of me wondered if I should be crying but I just laid there cold. My rapists were long gone but what they did, their words, still echoed in my head. Apparently I had gotten too big for my britches and someone thought I should be knocked down a few notches- almost another Aizawa Taki. I rolled over onto my stomach and pushed myself up, grimacing as I felt something slide down my thigh, I didn't even bother to look down- after all it could only be one of two things: blood or cum. As I limped back to the apartment I shared with my lover, Yuki Eiri, one thought replayed over and over in my mind: NEVER AGAIN, I would not be raped again; I would die before I let that happen again or someone else would. I walked into the apartment and called Yuki's name, there was no answer so I walked into his office to find him typing on his laptop. He looked up when I entered and snarled,

"What do you want brat?"

I walked further into the office and his face turned white before contorting in anger, "Who?" he bit out from gritted teeth.

I shook my head, I myself didn't know who the who was. I could also imagine what I looked like, torn clothing, bruises that would look worse tomorrow- I had gotten a beating with the rape- and something I wasn't sure about, since I had decided not to look, running down my leg. Yuki turned back to his laptop, staring into the white screen as if it held the answers to life before turning back to me and biting off,

"Well? What are you waiting for? Get yourself cleaned up."

A gasp left my lips as I stared at Yuki in shock before backing out the room.

Something in me broke that night years ago when I got raped and the last remnants of it shattered with Yuki. I lost my naiveté and innocence and became someone who swore never to become the victim. If I could pinpoint where exactly things started to degenerate to the point we've reached now I'd say it started when Yuki told me to clean myself up, when Yuki rejected me. Whatever broke then never repaired itself and remained a gaping hole; it might have even affected my later actions, who knows? It might have started my need to become the perfect person, it might have started the decision to become Eiri's Yuki.

AN: That's the first chapter. This story won't be a long one and I am currently working on it. If anyone would like to beta it please let me know and I will get back to you; there won't be any perks for being my beta except getting to read the stories before they come out and seeing any new ones I come up with.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or Photoshop.

Cyanide- Chapter 2

The days after I got raped were positively hellish. It seems my rapists were smarter this time around or at least learned from the mistakes of their predecessors and didn't keep the pictures they took as blackmail material. Who cares at this point? Moving on I'll start with what happened the next day, as my memory is a bit unclear it might not be as gruesomely detailed as I would like however, it'll still serve its purpose though and I suppose that's all that really matters.

The next day I stayed in bed too sore and bruised to really do anything, there was also the fact that I looked like I had been attacked, which I had been. I got up from Yuki's bed, it had never been OURS, and hobbled over to the mirror. I was naked from the bath I took yesterday since I had been too sore to bother putting on clothes that would only irritate me. I looked in the mirror and winced at my reflection, I had a lovely set of bruises starting from the side of my face going down my neck and chest along with my sides- their shades of black and blue were especially vivid against my pale skin and hair. There were dark handprints on my waist and thighs while my legs remained mostly untouched with the exception of scrapes.

I turned around and looked over my shoulders at the mirror and gasped, my entire back was raw and scrapped and my but and thighs were almost completely bruised, there were some places where the skin was broken. I turned away from the mirror before moving to the phone, my hand hovered over it for a few seconds before I sighed and picked it up.

I called my workplace; the phone rang a bit before my manager, K, answered, "Hello?"

I answered back quietly, "Hi, K. It's Shuichi."

"Shuichi! Where are you? Get your ass over here! Everyone's waiting for you."

"That's why I called, I won't be coming in today. I'm not feeling well."

"Nonsense. Don't make me come over there. Get your lazy ass up."

"I'm not feeling well today K," I whispered, "Please don't make me come to work today."

"OK," I could hear the frown in his voice, "I'll pick you up for work tomorrow."

"Alright, thank you K."

I hung up the phone and laid back down on the bed, Yuki had let me sleep in the bedroom last night, when I had first woken up I didn't see him and he wasn't here now. I sighed and rolled over to my side, closing my eyes and letting sleep take me. I woke up later and got up to go to the bathroom to clean myself up again. After I got out of the shower I brushed my teeth and went into the kitchen to get something to eat. I started when I found Yuki at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette,

"It's about time you got up," he said, "I was just about to wake you, the doctor is on his way over, you need to get checked. Did that occur to you?"

I shook my head mutely.

Yuki looked up to the ceiling before sighing.

"Are you hungry?"

I nodded slowly. Yuki gestured to the croissants on the table and walked over to the fridge, taking out a cup from the cupboard above it, and poured a glass of juice before moving back to the table and placing it in front of me. I took a croissant and started eating, taking a sip of the juice.

I was on my third or fourth croissant when the doctor came in.

"Shuichi Shindou?"

I nodded.

"I understand you got sexually assaulted?"

I nodded again.

"Well I'd do a kit, however, I take it you took a shower and didn't go to any police stations after the incident last night?"

I nodded again.

"Very well. There's nothing I can do to help identify the attackers then but I can take blood tests to make sure you're safe and to help determine which steps to take if you're not. Do you understand me?"

I gave the doctor a funny look, 'Did he think I was stupid?', and once again nodded.

"Okay then Shuichi, hold out your arm for me and I'll take some blood."

I held out my arm, an elastic band was secured to it, and I was told to make a fist making my veins pop out. The doctor put the needle in my arm and blood dripped into the tube connected to the needle.

"Alright," he said when he was done taking my blood, "Let's do what we can about those wounds."

The doctor pulled out a couple of tubs and creams along with some bandages.

"Ok. Let's have you lay on your back and I'll apply these. Will it be more comfortable for you to go to your bedroom and lay down or the couch?"

I looked at Yuki questioningly, it was his bedroom after all and he had made that abundantly clear; it was sort of sad that I had to ask him for permission to use his room after I had just been raped but I didn't realize that at the time.

"The bedroom." Yuki answered the doctor.

I painfully moved from the kitchen to the bedroom again and laid down on my back wincing as my body touched the sheets. I was a giant bruise.

The doctor took some of the balm out of the container, spreading it on his gloved hands before rubbing it into my chest. I hissed out in pain, and flinched causing another hiss as my back rubbed against the sheets. The doctor finished my front excluding my face and had me sit up so he could do my back. He opened another container and it was gently spread over my back before he wrapped bandages around my torso. The doctor did my thighs next.

I laid down on my front while he did my thigh then tensed as a cool hand rested on my butt cheek. I flinched again.

"Okay Shuichi, I'm going to do your anus now. There's going to be some cream that I'm going to rub inside since it looks like you got torn, the cream will also prevent infections."

I laid perfectly still thinking that I'd be ok with it but as soon as that hand started heading downwards I panicked.

"No, get away from me!"

I scrambled away from the doctor and crouched at the headboard of the bed ignoring the pain shooting through me from the movements.

"Shuichi," the doctor started, "I'm not going to hurt you…"

I shook my head, "Don't touch me!"

Yuki got impatient and snapped at me, "Shuichi, get on the bed right now. You're acting stupid."

I trembled and looked at them both before laying down on the bed. When the doctor touched me again I trembled. He got a finger in before I started crying and moved away.

"No, don't touch me."

Yuki finally got impatient before he asked the doctor if he had an extra pair of gloves. When the doctor gave them to him he put them on before growling, "Lie down Shuichi."

I laid down and he put one hand on the small of my back and started applying the ointment with the other. I cried harder. The doctor left the room the room to give us some privacy. Yuki held me down against the bed while he smoothed the ointment inside me and I cried, when he was done Yuki brushed against my prostrate. I gasped and arched moaning in pain as the intense feeling swept through me. Yuki took off the gloves, throwing them in the garbage before picking up the first container the doctor used to treat my injuries and scooping some out. He held my chin in one hand before carefully spreading the gunk on with the other. When he was done he gave me an unreadable look and opened his mouth to say something before he shook his head and walked out of the room.

I tried to curl in on myself but it was too painful so I just stretched out and went back to sleep. It was all I felt like doing and nothing bad ever happened when I did.

I woke up the next day to Yuki swearing, I looked up at him in askance and he narrowed his eyes at me before throwing a newspaper on the bed and storming out of the room.

I picked up the paper and read the headline: "Lead of Bad Luck Shindou Shuichi cheating on writer Yuki Eiri with various people. Is their relationship on the rocks?" My face drained of all blood as I looked at the pictures of myself having sex with people that raped me and looking like I was enjoying it.

Nausea raced through me and I ran to the bathroom before collapsing before the toilet bowl and heaving up bile.

When I got back to Yuki's room he was sitting on the bed reading the newspaper. Tears came to my eyes and I shook my head, "No," I whispered, "I didn't cheat. I love you, wouldn't cheat." I shook my head again.

Yuki looked up from scrutinizing the paper, "These pictures are photoshopped."

"I wouldn't cheat on you."

Yuki looked me directly in my eyes and narrowed his, his mouth twisting, "I know. You wouldn't be here if I thought you had."

I got the silent warning and nodded, "I- " A knock on the door interrupted what I was going to say.

Yuki looked at me and raised an eyebrow, "Well?"

I shook my head, "Nothing." I put on a huge terrycloth robe and went to open the door. I was surprised to see K on the other side.

K took one look at me before pushing me inside the doorway out of view, stepping inside, and closing the door.

"What the fuck Shuichi?" K held a paper in his hand sporting similar trash to the one Yuki had made me read, 'Great,' I thought, 'Front page news, this won't be going away for a while.'

K took my chin in his hand and examined the bruises on my face closely, his brow furrowed, "Did Yuki…?"

I shook my head, "Yuki didn't do this."

"Then what's going on?" K snapped, "Why do you look like you've been crying and why is this in the paper?"

My lip trembled and I looked at K for a moment before shrugging of the robe. He gasped seeing the bruises and turned me around, "Who?" he snarled lifting up his gun.

I shrugged, "The guys you saw in the paper. I don't know who they are"

"Which ones?" K's voice was brisk and business like.

"The guys you saw in the paper," my voice was flat, "All four of them."

K sighed and ran his fingers through his blonde hair, pulling it out of its long ponytail.

"I'll see what I can do to take care of this, you just stay here and rest a bit more. I'll pick you up for work tomorrow and bring you some make-up."

I nodded and leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling really tired.

K brushed his hand against the unbruised side of my face to get my attention, "Will you be alright here? Is there anything you want or need?"

I nodded, "I'll be fine." I smiled wryly, "I don't need anything and I don't think you could do anything about what I want either. Thanks though, I appreciate it."

I walked to my couch and curled up on it looking at K through my bangs, "You can see yourself out right? I'm really tired."

K looked at me for a moment longer before nodding, turning the bottom lock and closing the door behind himself with a quiet click.

I stared after him for a bit before closing my eyes and falling asleep. I ached inside and not just physically.

The next day, I think, if I could pinpoint a specific time- though it's all relative to the way you look at it- heralded the beginning of the end. I was a really naïve boy back then when all of it happened but I learnt, yes I definitely learnt. And I really do have everyone to thank because in the end…I'll get what I want. I think it's a worthy cause to suffer for to get my end result.

A/N: That's all for chapter 2. If anyone would like to beta let me know, there aren't much perks but you will get to see this story before anyone else does.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

This chapter's dedicated you Ralyena Starrling and Hikari-Hikaru-Hikari.

Cyanide- Chapter 3

What happened next presaged the beginning of the end. If Yuki hadn't done what he did next maybe none of this would have happened. The problem with maybes though is that they're uncertain- maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did if not for Yuki's actions but then maybe they would have regardless. Yuki…Yuki had his moments. Though he never really said he loved me his actions spoke louder than his silence. That was why his actions on that day made it the best and worst day of my life. He gave me hope in a difficult time and that led to my latter actions because let's face it, even I know when I'm playing a losing game. So riddle me this, what's more painful than hopes that have been shattered?

I sat on the couch covered in make-up to hide the bruises on every inch of my skin that was visible. They were in shades of blue and yellow and the scratches were a vivid, angry red. I had had to apply numerous cold packs just to make the swelling go down to a point that I could apply the make-up without completely defeating it's purpose; K had brought both over the previous night so I could look presentable going to work. I was now quietly sitting so I wouldn't inconvenience Yuki while waiting for K to pick me up.

Yuki brushed by me in a dress shirt and dress pants, pacing restlessly; he was talking to someone on his cell phone and his face was in it's perpetually annoyed expression, "I don't care what it takes, get it done or you won't have a writer."

I tilted my head curiously wondering what would make Yuki say that, after looking at his scowling face I shrugged and decided not to ask.

Just as I was relaxing back into the couch there was a knock at the door. Before I could get up Yuki strode to the door throwing it up open, "What?!" he snapped.

K stood in the open doorway and caressed his gun briefly, a piqued expression stealing over his face, before replying, "I'm here to pick up Shuichi." K then looked Yuki up and down, his lip slightly curled, before dismissing him. Yuki sneered in response before gesturing over his shoulder in the general direction of the couch, "Just take him and get out of here."

I stood up and flinched from the pain and Yuki's words. When he got like this it took a lot to get him out of his bad mood, unfortunately until then Yuki was the type that took his wrath out on the people around him and what do you know- I was always in his general vicinity. I wondered what that made me before following K to the door, just before he closed it behind us I saw Yuki pacing a scowl firmly in place again.

We got to work in minimum time due to K's disobeying at least five traffic laws. I stumbled out of the car and fought the urge to kiss the ground; I now remembered why I usually tried to get to work on my own.

"K," I said, " You're going to kill us all one day. No one will even need to try and assassinate me, they just need to make sure you're my driver and you'll do it for them. I'm not a religious person but when I'm with you I pray; there's a reason traffic laws exist! You weren't even on your side of the road one time!"

"Nonsense Shuichi. I drive just fine, it's not my fault other people don't drive properly- you'd think that they don't have places to be. I drive aggressively and what are the lanes for if not to be used?" K laughed wildly and his hand reached down to stroke his gun, "Now let's get inside."

We walked into the building and there was immediate silence as everyone stared at me. I felt my face go blank and my lips tightened. Usually I didn't mind attention but I found I took exception to this, it was as if everyone staring at me was trying to determine if I was stupid enough to cheat on someone like Yuki and if so how many times and with who, that I was away for the past two days didn't help matters. Everyone noticed and watched, waited to see if they could take me apart, observing if I would give anything away.

My hands clenched into fists and I gritted my teeth to keep from snarling something; they would already be talking about me as soon as I walked into the elevator-I did not need to feed the fire.

K angled his body toward me, shielding me from the majority of the gazes and told me what the schedule was, "You're going to be recording today, and you've also got a photo shoot."

I felt the blood drain out of my face even though the make-up hid it and swayed on the spot. My hand reached out and grabbed K's arm, "What?" my voice shook, "I can't do the photo shoot today."

"Yes you can and you will. You'll be fine."

We reached the elevators and stepped inside, K pressed our button and just before the doors closed I caught the interested looks on everyone's faces in the lobby. My face burned as I realized that I had done exactly what I had been trying not to do: I had given them something to talk about.

When we stepped into the room upstairs I was surprised to see all of Nettle Grasper gathered there in addition to Bad Luck.

"Shuichi!" Ryuichi squealed jumping on me, "I missed you, na no da, you were gone for two days! You didn't show up even when I looked for you in the corners!"

I winced at his weight and what his being on top of me was doing for my injuries, biting my lip to keep any sound from escaping, before pulling him off with the help of K.

"I'm sorry Sakuma-san, I've just been really busy."

Ryuichi pouted, "I thought I told Shuichi to call me Ryuichi or Ryu-chan, no Sakuma-sans!"

"Sorry Ryu-chan, I won't call you that again."

Someone in the room cleared their throat and I looked up to find Tohma glaring at me.

"Alright Ryuichi," Tohma said, "Now that you've seen Shuichi we can go."

Ryuichi pouted some more but eventually there was just my band mates, K, and our manager, Sakano, left.

As soon as we were alone Suguru asked, "So did you really cheat on Yuki? I didn't think you had it in you, you've always been so obsessed with him."

I froze in shock before slowly looking around the room to see the same question in everyone else's eyes. I looked at Hiro, my best friend and the only one who had been with me through all of my relationship with Yuki, and was hurt to see the question in his eyes too.

"You too Hiro?" I whispered, "I thought you of all people…you know I'd never do that to Yuki."

Hiro sighed and ran a hand through his long red hair, "I know, Shuichi. I know. It's just that Yuki treats you like crap, so if you had…I'd understand."

"I love Yuki, doesn't that mean anything to you guys?" I asked.

When the room stayed quiet I nodded, "I see." I moved away from the band members and walked into the recording booth. When nobody else moved I turned and smiled as brightly as I could at all of them, "Well? What are we waiting for? Let's record."

Everything went smoothly, if not a little stilted, after that. The real trouble started after the guy sent to do our photo shoot came.

"Shindou-san please take off your shirt and put on the clothes laid out for you," the photographer reiterated, exasperation colouring his voice.

I shook my head again and nervously looked around the room at the people starting to get angry, my band and the photographer were in this category. Sakano, ever in character, was instead wringing his hands and mumbling. K had left after we started recording to take care of some things.

"Just take off your damn clothes!" Suguru snapped, impatient.

I refused another time and bit my lip, "I don't want to show so much skin," I looked up eyes pleading, "Can't I wear something else? I don't mind as long as it's not so revealing."

The photographer shook his head, "Sorry, if I did that I'd need to change everybody's outfit. We're running short on time Shindou-san, so if you could please change?"

I declined once more, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. Do you mind if I reschedule this shoot?"

Hiro, leaning against the wall dressed, put his head in his hand and Suguru twitched in the background before growling, "I've had enough."

I was focusing on the photographer, trying to get him to agree to reschedule this to another day when suddenly Suguru was straddling my back, ripping my sweater off. I cried out in pain when his body crashed into my own bruised form. I was shocked that he was even on me and in too much pain from hitting the ground to stop him from taking of my top.

The sound of a camera taking pictures reached my ears and the room was silent as everyone took in the wounds on my back and saw the handprints on my skin. Suguru mechanically got off me letting me sit up, gasps reached my ears as everyone saw the damage on my front as well and the camera kept on clicking.

Tears built behind my eyes but I didn't let them out, instead I met the eyes of everyone in the room: Hiro's horrified and concerned, Suguru's ashamed, Sakano's worried, the photographer's surprised and excited with a bit of pity mixed in, and Ryuichi's … I gasped. Ryuichi was in here, he wasn't supposed to be in here, he wasn't supposed to see this- no one was supposed to see this, yet his eyes got to me the most. His face and posture were serious and his eyes, they reflected a burning cold fury.

Ryuichi stalked over to the photographer, his rage palpable, and said something to him in a soft tone of voice; the photographer's skin turned ashen.

Ryuichi smiled cruelly, "You'll want to be giving me that camera and all the other ones you have on you right now," he said holding out a hand. The photographer gave the camera in his hand to Ryuichi before pulling out his cell phone and also handing it over.

Ryuichi ripped the film out of the camera, exposing it, and crushed the cell phone under his heel, the photographer cringed at the actions and moved slightly away from Ryuichi.

"I'll replace your cell phone," Ryuichi said, " And if I see even one picture of this anywhere or hear anything to do with this incident I will find you and you will regret it. Do you understand me, na no da?" The man nodded, quivering and pallid, before he fled the room.

I sat motionlessly on the floor staring at the door for a while with tears still behind my eyes before I turned my body towards Suguru.

"You know," I said conversationally, "I have never hated you more than I do now."

Suguru gasped before he looked down and toed at the floor. I nodded, knowing that my message had gotten through to him while everyone stared on in shock when the air stirred beside me. Ryuichi had sat next to me and was holding my sweater in his hands; his face and his eyes were still serious.

"Come here," he said to me.

I scooted over to him and he helped me put back on the sweater. I was about to move away when he pulled me into his lap and held me. I hunched in on myself and buried my head in his shoulder while one of my hands gripped his shirt and the other one went around him. He sat still and was just a warm presence, stroking my hair while I tried my damndest not to cry. I could feel the others staring at us but I had reached my limit, at this point I couldn't bring myself to care.

The room was silent for a few minutes until Sakano's phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered.

He listened to whatever the person was saying for a bit before he fumbled with his phone, "What?! Which channel?!"

Sakano made a beeline for the TV in the top corner of the room before turning it on and flipping to the entertainment channel. My heart galloped in my chest when I saw who was on the screen: Yuki, and he was being interviewed.

I watched as the person interviewing asked questions:

"So Yuki-san, what do you have to say about the allegations in the papers about you and your lover, Shindou Shuichi from Bad Luck?"

Yuki answered confidently, "They aren't true."

"How do you know?" the interviewer queried.

Yuki looked at her as if she was dense, "Because Shuichi would never cheat on me and I asked, he said he didn't."

"And you believe him just like that?"

"Yes."

"Wow, such faith. So what do you have to say about the pictures then? Wouldn't that count as evidence?"

"Yuki's jaw tightened, "They were photoshopped, any fool can see that. I have complete faith in my lover."

The interviewer leaned away from Yuki a little, "Ok…So do you have anything else you'd like to add?"

"Yes. I want who ever sent those pictures to know they haven't changed anything. Shuichi and I have taken this in stride. We have complete confidence in each other and this will only make us grow stronger. Thank you."

The interview finished and it was then I noticed that everyone was looking at me. Ryuichi was wiping my face with his handkerchief while humming soothing notes quietly and that was when I realized I had lost the battle with my tears but these tears weren't sad ones, they were tears of happiness.

I didn't know it then but all good things come to an end and happiness doesn't last. What makes it sadder is that when it disappears you know exactly what you've lost. Eventually we all learn and I did too no matter how slow people thought me- in fact, I think I learned this lesson faster than others. Yuki doing that interview may have showed me his faith in me and it may have brought us closer together but you know what they say: one step forward two steps back. We always were in the negative.

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to put up; I just didn't feel like editing. I should have chapter 4 up by Valentine Day or somewhere near that date. If anyone would like to beta Cyanide please let me know. Enjoy.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation

Cyanide- Chapter 4

It started with little things first, little changes that no one really noticed but made everyone happier overall. Little concessions I didn't mind making. It started a cycle that spiraled out of control until I no longer knew my own person, till I didn't even reside in my own skin. I looked at myself in the mirror years later and I didn't see myself, I saw what I became. And what I became… I both hated and loved. By then I reached my limit, I was done with this game that turned your smile into someone else's; a game that stripped you of your very being. How did the game start? It started with my loving Yuki, it started with Yuki's interview. Love always did make monsters of us all.

For once I was happy, what Yuki had done was almost the equivalent of a love declaration when he did that interview so when he commented that the pink in my hair was nauseating I didn't think much of getting it changed back to it's original colour- it was time for something new anyway.

I went into the salon, the door chiming behind me to announce my presence. The hairdresser looked up and her eyes widened when she recognized my face, "Shuichi, you came! I haven't seen you in a while. I remember when you used to come in and demand that I re-dye your hair pink since your roots were showing. What can I do for you or did you just come to visit?"

I shook my head, smiling at her softly. This woman had talented hands and a soft spot for loud, crazy teenagers. I used to come to her salon a lot before I got famous just to go over lyrics or chatter and she'd sit me down and give me a drink before giving me a touch up and undercharging me. She had always believed in me and when I asked her why she didn't move her salon to a high classed area where she could get richer customers and more business she'd just laugh my question off and say she liked where she was.

I looked at her fondly and replied, "I'm here to get my hair done."

She ushered me over to a chair and put a plastic wrap around me to keep the hair off, "So what would you like done?" She leaned down and hugged me briefly before whispering in my ear, "I always knew you could do it."

I blushed and smiled at her, "I actually want to dye my hair back to its original auburn. You can do whatever else you'd like to it as long as it's back to that colour."

She ran her fingers through my hair and hummed, "Your hair is in pretty good condition, whoever's been taking care of it in my absence has done a good job. It's got very few split ends so I'll dye it again and trim a bit from the bottom. That sound alright to you?"

"Yeah, whatever you'd like is fine. Who am I to stand in the way of your artistic genius, you've got your specialty and I've got mine." I grinned at her and she swatted at me and said, "Oh hush you." She led me to the back and got started.

When she next turned me around I looked into the mirror at my reflection and smiled when I saw auburn hair framing my face long in the front and shorter in the back, the colour also brought out my purple eyes. I turned, looked at her, and smiled, "Thanks Hana, you always know what looks best."

She smiled back, "Yes I do."

I shook my head at her lack of modesty before getting up and walking to the cash register. When she followed me over I handed her some money. She counted it out before her eyes widened at the amount and she shook her head, "I can't accept this, it's too much money."

I walked over to the door and opened it before looking over my shoulder at her, "Yes you can. Consider it payback for all those little deals you gave when I was younger me if you need to. You deserve it." I grinned at her one last time before leaving, "I'll come visit sometime soon."

* * *

I bounced up and down, excited, as I waited for Yuki. We were going out to dinner with his publisher and editor, at a casual lounge so we wouldn't be too noticeable, to discuss his upcoming book. Yuki came through the door and looked me over.

He frowned, "Is that what you're wearing?"

I nodded my head, I had chosen to wear a dark blue button-up shirt with a black shirt underneath and black jeans. Yuki glanced at me again, the distaste clear on his face, and my excitement flagged.

"Don't you have anything more suitable?" he questioned.

My brow furrowed and I looked at him confused, "What do you mean?"

Yuki gestured to my outfit, "That may be acceptable for your little friends and work but we're going out with my editor and publisher, don't you have anything more attractive?"

"I thought we were going to a jazz lounge? If I get all dressed up won't we be more obvious?"

Yuki headed towards his bedroom, "Never mind, I knew I shouldn't have asked you to come. Don't bother, you can stay here and I'll tell the others that you weren't able to make it."

"No, wait!" I cried out, "I'll change my clothes, you can pick something out for me to wear. Please, let me come with you."

Yuki stopped and looked at me as if I had just hassled him before sighing, "Where are your clothes?"

I pointed to the mini-dresser on either side of the couch, "There are a couple of things in the front closet too but just the stuff that needs to be hung up."

Yuki went through the various items, a pile forming on the floor beside him, "No, no," he looked at a frilly shirt, dangling it from the tips of his fingers, "And definitely not. Don't you have anything that doesn't belong on a kid, isn't skin-tight, or isn't a costume? I always noticed your bad fashion sense but I didn't think it was this bad."

Yuki got up from where he was crouched to look at my clothes and went into his bedroom, "I'm going to take a shower now and the I'm leaving on my own. Generally it's usually embarrassing to be seen in public with you but I refuse to do it when I'm with important people."

My eyes glazed over with tears before I shook my head and scrubbed my hands up and down my face, I refused to cry.

I sat down on the floor and started folding up the piles of clothing that Yuki had carelessly went through, dusting them off and putting them back in their places. My lower lip trembled. By the time I was done Yuki had finished taking a quick shower and was getting dressed in his room. I sat on the ground trying to figure out what I was going to do now that I was no longer going out with Yuki; I didn't want to stay in the apartment alone with reminders of where I wasn't going to be so I decided to visit Hiro, I hadn't been to his house in a while.

When Yuki got out of his bedroom he was dressed impeccably as always and smelled faintly of cologne. I got up and went to the door about to leave when his hand rested on my shoulder, holding me in place, "What are you doing? I already said you're not coming with me."

Anger and resignation bubbled through me and I jerked my shoulder out of his hold, "I know. Who said I was going with you?" I walked into the hallway and looked back at him, "I'll see you when I see you." I took the stairs.

I arrived at Hiro's place with a bag of food and knocked the door. Hiro opened it and a his eyebrows went up when he saw me before he led me to the couch and put the bag of food on the table in front of it, "What are you doing here?" he asked, "I thought you were going out with Yuki, unless I got the date wrong? But I couldn't have, you've been talking about it forever."

I shook my head, "You didn't get the date wrong. Yuki didn't want me to go because he decided that my clothing was embarrassing."

Hiro's eyes narrowed, "What did he say?"

I lowered my eyes, "He said that it would be embarrassing to be seen by his editor and publisher with me."

I looked up at Hiro and a thought circulated through my head, "Hiro, you've got an awesome sense of fashion right? Will you take me shopping so I can get nicer clothes?"

Hiro pursed his lips, "No, I shouldn't have to. Yuki should like you the way you are."

My hands clenched on the couch, "Please. I really wanted to go out with him, you know that I looked forward to today for a long time; if it's just a change of wardrobe that will let me go out with him in the future then please help me. Please."

Hiro crossed his arms over his chest and scowled before nodding, "Fine."

The next day we went shopping.

* * *

Yuki was happy with the hair change and new clothing as it looked normal and didn't garner as much attention when we did things together. One night I decided to make Yuki dinner, I had found a recipe online that was so simple that even I couldn't mess it up.

That night Yuki came home and immediately ran into the kitchen. He looked at the burnt pot in the sink, the mess on the stove that was still emitting smoke, and the red welts on my hands before narrowing his eyes at me.

"What happened here?" he growled.

I cradled my burnt hands in my lap and looked down at the wooden chair that I was sitting on, "I tried to make dinner."

Yuki glowered at me, "You _tried_ to make dinner? _Tried_? The last time you tried to make dinner you nearly burned the house down! Why the hell would you _try_ to do that again?! I thought you learned but apparently you're dumber than I initially believed."

I bit my lip to keep from saying anything but the words burst from my lips, " I'm sorry. I only wanted to do something nice for you; it wasn't supposed to do that. I got the recipe on the Internet and it was supposed to be easy."

Yuki looked at me incredulously and scoffed, "You're so fucking useless! You nearly burned the house down, _again_! People are always coming to your rescue; it's always poor little me. You can't even cook a simple meal, I honestly don't know how you survived this long. What you seem incapable of understanding is that you only get so many freebies, eventually people will get tired of saving you and will leave you behind."

Yuki looked around the kitchen, disgusted, and shook his head, "Clean this up," he looked at the pot in the sink that was burned and smiled contemptuously, "And dispose of that. Don't even bother coming into my bedroom tonight."

Yuki didn't show up at the apartment for any meals for a week after that. My signing up for cooking lessons was the next alteration.

* * *

Not all the changes I made were directly a result of Yuki, some of them were things I decided to do on my own because I thought I needed them even if they had been commented on previously. One such thing was the kung-fu lessons I took; I decided it was time to learn some self-defense. I refused to be caught in another situation where I was completely vulnerable when I had the resources to remedy the problem because if it happened again then this time it would be my fault due to my negligence and, if I was completely candid with myself, I wasn't sure I'd be able to live through it again if that happened.

I walked into the kung-fu dojo, it was my second time being there as the first time I only registered.

I looked around at the mirrored walls and the mats at the floor before focusing on the other people there and the instructor. We started with breathing exercises and made our way to stretches, loosening our limbs. After the stretches we started the warm-ups and a test of flexibility. By the end of the class I was sore but I felt good. I knew I had made the right choice coming here and wouldn't regret it. It's never pleasant to carry regrets around because they'll never leave you and you'll always wonder.

* * *

The major change was my silence. My excitability and non-stop stream of chatter was an integral part of my personality no matter how annoying it was. When I was silenced I became a different person, however, loving Yuki the way I did also was a big part of me so I'm not even sure anymore where I lost more. What I do know is that eventually Yuki got tired of my constant chatter and bounciness and I suppose it was time to grow up.

I stepped into the house and took of my shoes, it had been a long day at work and I was looking forward to just being with Yuki and relaxing or perhaps doing something a bit more exciting. I grinned thinking about the things we could do and dropped my stuff on the couch before bouncing to his office.

The door was closed so I opened it and pushed the door inwards, it impacted the wall with a crash. I winced briefly and hurled myself at Yuki's hunched over figure.

"Oomph," he grunted as my body barreled into his.

"Hi, Yuki!" I chirped, "How was your day today? Mine was really busy. They kept making us do takes over and over again because they weren't satisfied with the sound and K was more trigger happy than usual. I'm so exhausted. Have you eaten dinner yet? I'm really hungry and I can order take out if you like. What are you working on?" I leaned over his shoulder and peered at the laptop screen, "Oh is another one of your deadlines coming up? What are you going to call this one?"

I took a deep breath and was about to continue with my line of questioning when Yuki shook me off of him, "For fuck's sake brat, would you shut the hell up?! Unlike you some people are actually still working and don't have the rigidity of your schedule. I have a deadline coming up soon and I need to get this in to my editor and all you've been doing these past few days is bombarding me with your infernal questions! Shut the hell up!" Yuki took a deep breath and lowered the volume of his voice before speaking slowly while looking straight at me, pinning me with his stare, " I would love it if for once when you came home, instead of your assaulting me, I just heard the sound of silence. People would like you a lot more if you just kept your mouth shut or didn't talk about every single unimportant thing."

I took a deep breath as I felt something twinge inside me before quietly asking, "But don't you want to hear about my day? I want to hear about yours when I come in. I thought you didn't really mind my asking because while you don't answer you never really object to the questions."

Yuki turned his back to me and started typing, "I don't really care about your day and if anything important happens I'll most likely hear it from Tohma before I hear it from you. If I have anything important to say about mine you'll hear it, it's generally the same thing everyday. How is my telling you to be quiet almost everyday a desire to hear redundant questions? If you were just more quiet you'd be so much more bearable, more people would like you."

I flinched and walked to the office door, "I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'll try not to disturb you again unless it's important." I shut the door with a silent click behind me.

A week later Hiro and Suguru cornered me after work, "So Shuichi, not that it's unwelcome or anything but what's with the sudden silence?" Suguru inquired.

I laughed bitterly when I saw that Yuki was right and left the room.

* * *

Yuki was always a possessive bastard, though what he needed to be possessive about I didn't know- he always had me without a shadow of a doubt, my world revolved around him, plus he was hot enough that he could have had anyone he wanted with little to no effort and stayed with them -but one day he took it to an extreme.

One night when I came home late I opened the door to find Yuki sitting on the couch (my couch) smoking a cigarette, "So look who decided to finally come home," he sneered.

I looked at him before toeing my shoes off but didn't reply.

Yuki stubbed the cigarette out viciously in an ashtray, "Well? Where were you?"

I ran my fingers through my hair, it was still odd seeing it a natural colour, before answering, "I was with Hiro."

"He was with Hiro," Yuki mocked back at me, "You're always with damn Hiro, clinging to him and running straight to him at the smallest sign of trouble."

He got up and stalked over to me towering over my slighter frame and stroked my cheek, "You know, if I was a lesser man I'd say you were cheating on me with Hiro."

I sighed and leaned against the wall by the door tiredly, "You know I'm not."

Yuki's face twisted in anger and I moved back from him a little, "Then why are you always with him?! What is it exactly that you do with him and why are you always clinging to him?"

"I'm not always with him. I only went to get some drinks at a bar with him tonight. Yuki, Hiro's my best friend, I've known him all my life, I started a BAND with him."

Yuki nodded smugly, "Exactly."

I put my hand to my head and massaged, I was starting to develop a headache, "Exactly what?" I asked.

"What, do you think me daft? I notice your friend always creeping in at the nearest sign of trouble, always so interested in lending more than a crying shoulder. Trying to infringe on my territory."

I crossed my arms over my chest, "Hiro's doing no such thing. He knows I love you and I don't belong to either of you."

"I bet that kills him," Yuki shot back, "Do you think I wouldn't know when someone is interested in my lover? You may not notice it but I do. You love him too."

"What are you talking about? I love Hiro but not like I love you, I love Hiro as a friend."

A look of thunder passed over Yuki's face, "You're lying," he said flatly, "What's he got that I don't?" he demanded.

My eyes twitched before they narrowed, "Alright, you want to know what he's got that you don't? Hiro is my friend, you are my lover- that is the difference between you. I am fucking you but you are not my friend, you generally don't even care about me. Am I going to leave you for Hiro? As much as I sometimes want to, no I am not. Why? Because I said I'm not going to and it's you I'm in love with. I love Hiro but I am _in_ love with you, another difference. Now what's really going on here? You've never said anything about Hiro before so why now?"

"Look. I don't want you to hang out with Hiro anymore, ok?"

"What? Hiro is my best friend, why shouldn't I hang out with him?"

"Because you're in love with _me_ and want to continue to be with me."

My eyes narrowed, "Are you giving me an ultimatum?" my crossed hands clenched as I whispered the words.

"Am I giving you an ultimatum?" Yuki repeated, he leaned against the wall in front of me before answering, "Yes, I guess I am: choose."

"How could you even ask me to do that?"

"Does that mean that you choose him? If so pack your stuff and get out."

I looked at him disgusted, "Pack what stuff? I've barely in moved in, we don't even share a bedroom."

"Well then there's the door."

"I'm not leaving."

"Then you're not seeing Hiro again outside of work."

I shoved past Yuki and sat down on the sofa, my sofa- the only place that was actually mine since I moved in with Yuki.

"Sometimes I hate you. I'll see Hiro less but I'm not going to stop hanging out with him completely."

Yuki retreated back to his office.

Within a couple of weeks I didn't see Hiro outside of work.

I made a lot of changes but I found that for the most part everyone else remained the same. The changes, most of them at least, were a miserable process but Yuki was right: people did like me now. I got respect and people listened when I spoke, was it worth what I gave up for it? Probably not- not then- but I learned how to make it work for me. As I said before, I'm willing to suffer a bit to win in the end. Things always come full circle.

A/N: If anyone would like to beta Cyanide please let me know. I apologize for the lateness of this chapter, it was supposed to be up on Valentine's Day but life got in the way. I had a Valentine's side written for Cyanide also, it was supposed to come up with this chapter but I'll be posting it sometime during the weekend. I have a question for Cyanide readers: would you rather wait a while and get multiple chapters in a 1-2 month range posted all together or separate chapters weekly/bi-weekly depending on how much time I have? This chapter may not be as edited as I was rushing it to get it out today but I will be going over it later and putting up corrections.


	5. Valentine's Side

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation, Tupperware, or any of the Chocolates mentioned.

Thank you to the amazing InnocentGuilt for beta-ing.

Cyanide- Valentine Side

I've always loved Yuki, no matter what I have written or will write- much to my regret sometimes. He was my unhealthy, not-so-little addiction; the one you never realize is poison until it's much too late. Things weren't always so bad at one point and even after I abandoned myself for Yuki, chose him over myself, things weren't so bad until later. The new me's first Valentine's Day falls under the not so bad category.

Valentine Day was approaching and I still had no idea what I was going to do for my lover. What did you get for a man that already had everything he wanted? There was also the fact that Yuki hated mushy stuff, and didn't do flowers or much anything classic, which made him a hard man to shop for. I considered cooking but decided that I was not going that route again, the last time had been enough. It was the day before Valentine's Day when it finally occurred to me what to do. Yuki had a weakness. It had been so obvious that I nearly missed it. Valentine's Day was a day of chocolate, flowers, and romance. Yuki had a weakness for expensive chocolate. It was then that I decided that I was going to be bending my rule a bit, I wasn't going to be cooking but I intended to bake.

Valentine's Sunday I woke up early and left the house, I was going to Ryuichi's place to carry my plan out, or at least the majority of it. Before I left I posted a note on the fridge so Yuki wouldn't wonder where I was: 'Yuki, happy Valentine's Day, gone for a bit but will be back tonight-enjoy the peace and quiet, I know you need to work on your story.'

I took the bus to Ryuichi's flat, I had called him before and asked him he wanted to help me for Valentine's Day, as well as get some treats, he agreed.

He met me on the ground floor and we took the elevator up to his apartment. He led me straight to the kitchen, knowing I was short on time, and I took a couple of seconds to look around- it was a very spacious kitchen all in all. I looked back towards the countertops which had a couple of bags piled on top. I assumed they were the things I had asked Ryuichi to purchase for me. I was riffling through the bags when Ryuichi's voice by my ear startled me, "D you have everything you need?" he questioned.

I mentally took stock of the items stacked on the counter before nodding; he had purchased everything I asked for. I was going to give him money for buying the supplies for me but he had refused, saying he was going to be eating it too. I looked at the watch on my wrist and noticed it was almost 11:30 before getting started.

By the time I was done, I was covered in flour and there were bits of chocolate all over me. I had made almost everything chocolate related that I could think of; there were chocolate covered fruits, chocolate mouse, cookies, chocolate dipped cookies, cakes, buns, breads, danishes, biscuits, pocky and a bunch of finger food treats. Ryuichi had had fun eating the treats as I was making them and was now in a candy induced high from the amount of sugar he had eaten.He was practically bouncing all over the walls.

I took a quick shower and changed into the clothes I brought with me, putting the dirty clothes in the bag. I packed some of the sweets into another bag and the pot of melted chocolate I had with me in another; the rest of the stuff I made I left on Ryuichi's counter- it was the least I could do and who was I to get in the way of his appreciation of all things sweet? When I looked at all the bags I had on me I wondered how I wouldbe able to take the bus without being mauled. Ryuichi tapped me on the shoulder and I turned my attention to him.

"Kuma wanted to know if Ryuichi should call a cab?" he said tilting his head to the side.

I was about to refuse when I thought about it and realized that taking a cab would not only be easier but save time. I wanted to get home by six and taking a cab would guarantee that I wouldn't be late.

I smiled at Ryuichi and said, "Yeah, I think I'll do that. Tell Kuma-chan that he's a genius."

I stepped into the house and was greeted by Yuki's disgruntled visage, "Where were you?" he growled.

I kicked my shoes off and padded into the kitchen before putting down and unloading the bags I was carrying. I looked at Yuki through the open kitchen and sighed slightly before replying, "I was out, I told you that already in the note that I left. I thought you would be happy about the break and the silence."

"'Out,'" Yuki parroted back at me, "is not a location. Where were you? This time without the bull."

I sighed louder at this. "Will you relax?" I leaned back against a wall in the kitchen and my eyebrows drew downward as I scowled at the person across from me.

"All I wanted was a place I could make you something so I could come home and surprise you. In the future if it will be this much trouble I'll simply stay here. Are you satisfied?" I asked, my lips tightening into a thin line.

Yuki's expression turned wary at the mention of a surprise and I crossed my arms.

"What kind of surprise?" he asked, his eyes sliding past me to land on the pot and other items on the counter- curiosity clear in his gaze.

The corners of my lips curled upwards as I picked up one of the large containers the cookies and treats were stored in before sashaying over to Yuki and setting it on the table, "The kind of surprise you'll like," I responded, "How about dessert for dinner?"

Yuki narrowed his eyes at me before pulling the container to him and opening the lid, an eyebrow rose and I grinned at him, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I chirped.

Yuki gave me a distinctly unimpressed look, "This," he said gesturing to the now open container, "This… is what you got me for Valentine's Day?"

I nodded enthusiastically and tried to keep the smirk from showing on my lips. I grabbed a biscuit with chocolate inside and popped it in my mouth as I waited for what he'd do next.

Yuki lips twitched downwards before he pushed the Tupperware away and pushed up from the table, "Well that was a supreme waste of time-"

I yanked Yuki back down before he could get up completely and sealed my lips to his. His words were cut off as I licked the seam of his lips before sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. His mouth opened on a surprised groan and I pushed half of the biscuit I had eaten with the chocolate core now melted into his mouth and pulled away.

I watched my lover scowl at me before chewing the biscuit and raised an eyebrow in return. He relaxed back against the chair and a tiny sound escaped from his throat as his eyes slipped closed. When those tawny eyes opened half a minute later I looked at him, "Well? How was it?"

Yuki looked away from me and colour rose in his cheeks before he grumbled something.

"What was that Yuki? I couldn't hear you."

Yuki growled before repeating himself, "I said that it wasn't bad."

I smiled as Yuki pulled the container towards him again and selected a cookie, a small moan left his throat as he ate it.

"Admit it, you like it."

Yuki glared, "No I don't."

"You wouldn't be eating it if you didn't like it."

"These cookies are different."

"I know; I made them with Belgium, French, and Swiss Chocolate. I'm aware you don't like sweets so I wouldn't give you sweets as a valentine present unless I was sure you'd like it."

Yuki mumbled around the piece of cake he was eating in agreement.

Once he finished the slice he asked me, "Aren't you supposed to make the chocolate by hand to show you care if you're giving it to me as a Valentine's gift? Which chocolate did you use?"

I snorted, "I know when something is beyond my capabilities, my making you the chocolate wouldn't have worked. You're a man of expensive tastes so I did something in accordance. I don't think it's too much of a problem that I didn't make the chocolate," I looked pointedly at the bun he was now eating, " Besides I did bake everything else. As for the chocolate I used Godiva, Richart, and Teuscher."

"It's nice to know that you know where your talents lay."

I frowned at him, "Yes, yes I do."

Yuki ignored me, "What's in the kitchen?"

I took a cookie and bit into it before answering, "The rest of the stuff and the last of the melted chocolate."

Yuki stood up, "Well I've got to finish my book, my deadline is in a couple of days."

He retreated to his office, and poked his head out one more time before saying, "Oh, and do try to be quiet."

I resisted the urge to flip him the bird.

Four hours later after a movie and some song lyrics, a wicked smirk crossed my lips as I came up with an idea. I went to the kitchen and reheated the last bit of the chocolate before taking some of the chocolate covered fruit from the fridge and putting it on a saucer. After the chocolate warmed up I painted my lips and drew swirls on my hands and arms with a paintbrush that Ryuichi bought for me, I then put the empty pot in the sink and filled it with some warm water. I picked up the plate and made my way to Yuki's office.

I looked at him for a bit, he sat hunched over his laptop typing in short bursts on his ergonomic swivel chair. I rolled the chair to face me during a typing lag, sat on him, and kissed him with my lips painted in chocolate. He startled before kissing me back, his hand going to the nape of my neck, holding me still, as he licked the chocolate off with little flicks of his tongue against my lips.

When the chocolate was gone from my lips I took a moment to put down the plate of fruit beside his laptop. Next I held up the arm with the cocoa designs and slowly lapped at them with my tongue, keeping eye contact. With my arm done I brought my hand up and proceeded to perform fellatio on my fingers and palm- slurping, sucking, and bobbing my head on my hand. I licked the last chocolate off my fingers and watched Yuki's eyes follow the action.

A faint pink tinge suffused his cheeks and his eyes were dilated. I hopped off his lap, swiftly moving to the door before waving at him over my shoulder, "I'll leave you to your work now, after all you do have that deadline coming up soon. Happy Valentine's Day."

I shut the door behind me and moved towards the living room, stripping off my clothing when I got there. The room's cool air caressed my skin and goose bumps trailed along my flesh. I quickly slipped into an oversized shirt and sighed at how comfortable it was, it had just the right amount of softness and was perfectly broken in.

I looked over the shoulder that the t-shirt was slipping off of towards Yuki, who stood in the doorway of his office, and smiled sweetly before looking towards the pants that showed off his erection and slowly making my way back up to his face.

"Goodnight Yuki," I said before lying down on the sofa, "I'm so tired, good luck with your story."

What did you get a man that had everything? Well if he had everything then I suppose he didn't need anything right? He could wait for a night. I went to sleep with a smirk on my face.

A/N: Sorry for the extreme lateness. I've decided that there will be no more guesstimates for chapters since they never seem to come out on time when I do that. Until next time then.


	6. White Day Side

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Thank you InnocentGuilt for beta-ing.

Cyanide- White Day Side

Warning: Explicit Content

White Day* after the changes was nice, really nice. I got well and truly wooed. That should have been the first sign, Yuki never bothered with stuff like that, if he didn't need to turn on the charm he didn't- that was reserved for strangers and fans and anything otherwise was a wasted effort. It really was a wonder that the people around him could tolerate him let alone love him. Yuki always had a special something, a draw of sorts that held and kept people in his thrall. But me… I always had a weakness for Yuki. It was because of that weakness that I never left him and Yuki knew it. Whenever things got rough Yuki did nice things- not quite like this, never like this, but enough to keep me hanging on. Like I said, Yuki had his moments- it was his calculations, general personality, and the things he did after that ruined them.

White Day was a Sunday so I didn't have to work but Yuki sent me out of the house for a bit, he told me I could hang out with Hiro or do whatever I wanted but not to come back to the house before six pm.

I called Hiro before going over as I didn't want to ruin any plans he might have for White Day and was glad to hear that he wouldn't be busy in the morning. I had missed him since I never got to see him outside of work now. It had been a while since I just got to relax, hang out, eat and talk with my best friend. Yuki had put a bit of a damper there so I was surprised he even suggested it.

I reached his house at around 9:30 am and knocked on the door. When no one answered, I pushed it open and stepped inside. I set my shoes by the door and entered the living room, looking around for Hiro. I didn't see him so I took a quick look into his kitchen, no luck there either. Next I went to his bedroom and finally found him, he was on the bed sleeping.

I entered his bedroom and shook him awake, he opened one bleary eye, "What Shuichi?"

"We were supposed to hang out today, why are you still sleeping?"

He rolled over onto his back and covered his eyes with an arm, "Because it's still way too early to be up on a day that's not a work day."

He waved in the direction of his wooden chest of drawers and said, "Grab a shirt, and join me."

I frowned at him, "I'm not tired. I want to hang out, get up."

Hiro sat up suddenly and stared at me intently for a few moments before getting up, going to the drawers and pulling out a big shirt. He walked back to me and pressed the shirt into my arms, "Change. You look like you haven't gotten enough sleep lately. You are going to put on that shirt then we are both going to go to sleep and get a bit of peace and quiet."

He climbed back onto the bed before muttering, "Plus you'll actually get to sleep on a real bed. That bastard man, can't believe you're still sleeping on a couch."

I turned around from slipping off my clothes and looked at him before asking, "What was that?"

Hiro pulled a face and answered, "Nothing Shuichi."

I pulled on his shirt and crawled onto the bed with him. Within a couple of minutes he was asleep again, I just laid still beside him. I starred at the clock on his nightstand beside the bed as I waited for sleep to claim me. Thirty minutes later Hiro rolled towards me and an arm secured itself around my waist before pulling my back against a warm chest. His red hair spilled over my shoulder and tickled my neck.

"Stop thinking so much go to sleep," he murmured in my ear. His warm hand rubbed my stomach lightly and I relaxed against him and succumbed to sleep.

I woke up a little after 1pm alone. I got out of the bed and walked into the kitchen rubbing at my eyes.

Hiro was cooking when I got there, "Ah, so you're up now."

He held up the skillet that had an omelet inside, "Hungry?"

I nodded, and took a seat at the table yawning. Twenty minutes later Hiro set a plate in front of me with an omelet and a grilled cheese sandwich and joined me with one of his own. I dug in with gusto; I hadn't eaten anything as Yuki was rushing me out this morning.

After we finished eating he said, "So what do you want to do now? Work on music?"

I shook my head, "We already do enough work at work. I haven't actually got to hang out with you for a while so let's do something else."

Anger flashed across Hiro's face briefly before he growled, "And whose fault is that? I'm not the one who has been stopping you from seeing me. No that honour goes to the man you let rule your life." Hiro's eyes widened and he bit his lip and looked away.

My breath hitched and I reached for him before letting my hand drop, "I'm sorry. I didn't want things to happen this way." My hands clenched into fists, my nails digging crescents into my palms.

Hiro reached for the hand I let drop before pulling me against him and enfolding me in a hug, he sighed into my hair before saying, "Damn it Shuichi. That man, he's going to hurt you- more than he already is- and I'm afraid that one day it will be beyond repair. Don't think I haven't noticed how you've been changing, how you've become quieter, more reserved." He nuzzled my hair and inhaled loudly before continuing, "I only helped you with the clothes because it made you happy. Sure I may have wanted you to get rid of your old ones for a long time but I accept you as you and know that it's part of you, part of your style. Yuki should accept you as who you are, too." I started to protest when he shushed me by placing a finger against my lips, "I won't stand in your way as long as you're happy, know that, but I hope you realize that everything comes with a consequence and he'll have a hefty one. This is the last time I'll speak of this unless you bring it up first."

Hiro squeezed me tightly one more time before releasing me, "Shall we play a video game? I've got that new one that just came out."

I smiled at him and nodded. We played video games and watched T.V. for the rest of the evening leaning against each other.

I left Hiro's at around 5 and wondered around the mall close to his house. I sat down at a table in the food court donned in my disguise, a pair of glassed and a hat, before settling down to couple watch.

I watched in amusement, my fingers tracing idle designs on the metal table I was sitting at, as a boy got scolded by his girlfriend for dropping the food he had been feeding her on her lap. My lips twitched as she reached over the table and whacked him on the head. My eyes moved on to another couple sitting stiffly at a table glaring at each other. My eyebrows rose as I wondered why they had gone out or were with each other if they looked like that. My eyes continued onwards and softened as I watched another couple awkwardly talking and feeding each other, holding hands under the table. I smiled and got the idea that they were new to this relationship business or had just started dating each other. I watched one more couple that seemed to have it down pat and smiled wistfully. If only all relationships were like that, if only _my_ relationship were like that outside of the cameras. I looked at them and unsure if I should be envious I settled for getting out of my seat and continued to wonder around the mall.

As I drifted through the mall I came across a chocolate shop. I smiled as the memories of the last time I played with chocolate glided through my mind and I stepped inside.

Yuki had liked the chocolate, he really had liked the chocolate. He finished the supply of fruit and treats within days and had demanded more. He was quite cross when he found out there wasn't anymore. I found him quite cute when he pouted even though he insisted that he wasn't. I hadn't known that he had that much of a penchant for high quality chocolate- regular bars did nothing for him, high maintenance till the end- I'd have to use that in the future.

I went into the store and browsed for a bit till I found a chocolate he would like and purchased it. Even though I technically didn't have to get him a gift as I had given him one already I still smiled a bit as I imagined how he would look once I gave it to him. It wasn't the same as baking something from scratch for him but it would do. I really just wanted him to know I was thinking of him even if I wasn't expecting anything in return; it was just a simple gift.

I glanced down at the digital watch on my wrist, it was green and changed from the time to the day and temperature every time I turned my wrist, it was now 5:40 pm. I sighed as I headed toward the exit of the mall and thought of the person that gifted me with this watch. Hiro was my best friend and the only person that made me think, really think about my relationship with Yuki sometimes. I wondered if it was because once he made his point he didn't push. Everyone else was either convinced my relationship with Yuki was good or bad- most bad- and pushed accordingly but Hiro realized that I was a stubborn person that would only dig my heels in more if told what to do in my personal affairs, it probably came from knowing me so long.

I got to the bus stop and thought on his words. He said he was leaving things alone from now on; the thought both relieved and scared me. Did this mean he had given up on me or that he trusted me to get out? It seemed that I never knew anything anymore, that my mind was either blank or scattered everywhere; that my problems were more than just Yuki. I was just so damn tired and I didn't mean physically. I deliberated over whether it was time to listen to the people that cared about me and just let Yuki go. Even though I loved him and was an optimistic person maybe it was time to break up, sometimes love- no matter how strong it was- wasn't enough.

The bus came and I pushed aside all the depressing thoughts broiling in my head aside. I could think on them later. Not that I even really want to think of them; it exposed something I wasn't yet ready for.

I stepped into the apartment and toed off my shoes before leaning against the wall and putting the bag with the chocolate on the floor.

"I'm home," I called.

Yuki moved into the living room dressed in black slacks and a maroon dress shirt that made his tawny eyes and blonde hair practically glow. The shirt was open enough at the collar to leave a tantalizing glimpse of his pale chest and collarbone.

"There you are. I've set out some clothes for you on the bed, get dressed. We're going out."

I walked silently into the room and brushed my hair before slipping on the clothes Yuki selected. Once I was finished I glanced in the mirror, I was wearing a dark blue dress shirt and close fitting black pants in a slinky material. I picked up the chosen black dress shoes and met Yuki by the door.

He took me to an expensive looking, elegant restaurant with dim lighting; everyone was dressed up. I looked around, shocked, for a few moments before following Yuki's disappearing back to our table. I couldn't remember the last time I had went on a date with Yuki that wasn't a publicity stunt or something related. I was surprised that he had brought me out voluntarily into public, I remember how the last try went.

Soft music played in the background and the tables we passed were all lit with candlelight. I followed Yuki to a private table in the back, which gave us a glittering view of Tokyo beneath us. I smiled at Yuki's thoughtfulness and reached across the table to squeeze his hand briefly. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Thank you." I smiled at him and felt my eyes crinkle. My smiles hadn't reached my eyes with Yuki, with most people, for a while.

The waiter that had led us to our table came back and handed us three menus before asking us if he could get us any drinks to start.

"Water," Yuki said, "we'll start with water."

The waiter nodded and quickly came back with our water before saying, "I'll leave you to make your choices and come back shortly."

When the waiter left Yuki handed one of the menus to me and started scanning the other. I opened mine up and was surprised to see that the food was in English.

"Yuki, the food is in English."

Yuki nodded, "I know, is that a problem? The food sold here isn't Japanese, I thought you might like something different."

I shook my head, "Eating something different isn't a problem for me, it's just that my ability to read it isn't the greatest."

"Really? I thought you knew English."

"I do. I know how to speak it, it's just reading and writing that's a little more difficult. I can recognize some of words but not all."

Yuki shrugged and took the menu from my hands, "It doesn't matter, I can order for both of us."

My lips tightened slightly before I shrugged.

Yuki quickly made his choices before opening the third, larger menu.

"What's that menu?" I asked.

Yuki didn't lift his eyes from the page as he responded, "Wine menu."

When the waiter came back Yuki was ready to order, "For an appetizer we'll have the Lobster Asparagus Mousse, and our mains will be the Steak Diane and Lamb for Lovers, also please bring us a bottle of Caymus Cabernet Sauvignon 1990."

The waiter wrote down our orders and quickly came back with a bottle of wine in hand. He handed it to Yuki and Yuki examined the label before nodding. The waiter then opened up the wine, putting the cap in his pocket before handing Yuki the cork. Yuki touched it for a brief moment and nodded before passing me the cork. I felt the cork for dryness or crumbling, which could be a sign of bad wine and feeling none also nodded. The waiter poured a small amount of garnet coloured wine in each of our glasses and we both swirled the wine before delicately sniffing and taking sips.

The wine had a smoky flavour with the sweet taste of berries and rosehip, it was slightly tart and very smooth; I hummed at the taste.

Yuki and I nodded at the waiter and he filled our glasses before setting the wine on the table. He came back ten minutes later with the Lobster Asparagus Mousse and set the bowl on the table before setting another side plate of crackers on the table. Yuki picked up a couple of crackers and spread some of the mousse on them before holding a cracker to my lips. I took a curious bite and took the remaining piece of cracker from him. It had a very rich taste and was semi-sweet and flaky. It was good but not something I would want to eat on a regular basis.

We had each finished a few of the crackers and set the rest to the side when the waiter came with the rest of our meal. We tried the lamb first; it was very nicely seasoned, and well cooked. The flavor was very distinct and the mini roasted potatoes that came with it were perfection. When the lamb was done we moved on to the steak. I cut off a piece and lifted it to my mouth before eating it. My eyes widened and I moaned at the taste. The meat was very tender, practically melting in my mouth, and was delicious. I closed my eyes as I savored the rest of the steak. The wine went very nicely with it and I found myself sipping my second glass.

When our main courses were finished Yuki gestured the waiter back to our table and ordered dessert.

"We'll have the Chocolate Cognac Truffles for dessert."

A few minutes later the waiter came back with a small plate that held six chocolate truffles.

Yuki picked up a truffle and held it to my lips for a few seconds before I obligingly opened my mouth. I licked at the cocoa power coating my bottom lip before I bit into the chocolate. My eyes closed in bliss as I sampled the rich chocolate, it's bittersweet flavor mixing well with the brandy and leading a burning trail down my throat. I'd never been much of a chocolate lover myself but these chocolates were luscious.

I opened my eyes to see Yuki watching me with something between hunger and amusement on his face. The thought occurred to me that the truffles were somewhat like my relationship with Yuki. Yuki fed me two more truffles before I stopped him.

"Aren't you going to try any of these?" I asked.

Yuki shook his head, "Today is for you. Besides I like watching you eat them, I'd forgotten how expressive you could be."

I bit my lip and looked down at the truffles and continuing the previous conversation, "But they're really good."

"It's fine. I can get them to wrap up some more to go."

I nodded and ate the rest, but for some reason even though chocolate was good I wasn't enjoying eating them.

Yuki ordered one more set of truffles to go and took care of the bill. We left the establishment shortly after.

When we got home I twined my arms around Yuki's neck and laid a soft kiss on his lips.

"Thanks for tonight," I whispered against his lips, "I wasn't expecting it."

I felt the vibration of his chuckle against my arms as he laughed and replied, "Who said tonight was over?"

My eyes widened as he lifted me up, hands cupping my ass and carried me to the bedroom. He walked into the bedroom and dropped me on the bed.

"Hey!" I protested as I was dropped, "Wha-"

Yuki covered my mouth with his, smothering my words, "Shut up, tonight we do things my way."

He quickly unbuttoned his shirt, shrugging it off and made quick work of mine. He popped the button on his pants before kicking them off and rested his hands on my hips as he stared nude at me, " I loved these pants on you all night, they highlighted your ass so well- made me want to throw you down and fuck you."

My eyes widened and he started to push the slinky material down my hips, I moaned as the pants slid down my erection.

"Already hard for me, such a wanton little slut aren't you? Such a tease."

My hands clenched in the sheets as my breathing sped up and I shook my head. Yuki cocked his head to the side, "No? No what? No you're not my little slut? No you're not a tease? Well none of that matters; you don't get to say no tonight."

He dropped the pants to the floor, my briefs with them and trailed his hand up the outside of my thigh,

"Such smooth skin," he marveled, "Such pretty, pale skin- makes you want to mark it." Yuki lightly bit where his hand had been fondling and I whimpered, my hands grabbing his head. He slid up my body, trapping my hands in one of his, and kissed me harshly. It was a hard mash of teeth and tongue mixed with blood. I groaned in my throat and lifted one leg, wrapping it around his waist.

Cold metal encircled first one wrist then the other and I heard two clicks in quick succession. I jerked and pulled back from the kiss when I realized what Yuki had done, he had handcuffed me to his headboard. I looked at his smirking face and felt the first stirrings of apprehension, what was he planning on doing that he needed to cuff me to the bed?

Yuki leered at me before he started to caress the delicate skin of my wrist right beside the metal of the handcuff, "Careful not to pull too hard at these, you wouldn't want your band mates to wonder about what goes on here or what I'm doing to you."

His hands moved down the sensitive skin on the inside of arms and I suppressed a shiver. His fingers moved down my arms and to my hairless armpits and he drew his fingers down. I jerked in laughter, coming short at the handcuffs and looked up to see Yuki's pleased smile.

Yuki's hands moved upwards into my hair and he started to card his fingers through it, massaging my scalp. I moaned and the erection that had started to wane came back.

"Do you remember what you did on Valentine's Day, Shuichi?"

I nodded my head and one of his hands went down to tug at my cock. A keen left my throat as I arched upwards into his hand. Oh god what wonderful hands.

"You left me high and dry then and as its White Day I'm obliged to repay the favour, some may even say that I'm supposed to triple it."

The feeling of apprehension transformed into the certainty of doom, I was so fucked.

"Where to start?" Yuki murmured.

He apparently decided my hair was good as any place as he continued massaging my head before moving to the nape of my neck accentuated by the slow pulls of his other hand on my cock. I melted into a puddle of relaxed tension.

He licked the shell of my ear, circling the whorl before sucking on my earlobes. A choked gasp escaped me and I tried to pull Yuki's body against mine for some friction.

I was chided, "Ah ah ah, none of that."

Yuki shifted his body sideways so he was next to me instead of on top and my leg slipped from his waist. His lips nibbled along the curve of my jaw before continuing on to my neck. Yuki licked and sucked his way across my neck before reaching my vein and biting down. I screeched and writhed against him, eyes fluttering closed. My neck had always been one of my extremely sensitive spots. He spent some time sucking various hickeys into existence as I twitched beside him unable to move much. When a constant litany of moans left my mouth he worried at my collarbone briefly before moving onto my chest.

He blew a cool stream of air against my nipples and I felt them harden to stiff peaks. He licked around them, maddeningly avoiding where I wanted his tongue most until he had me whimpering.

My eyes rolled in my head when my nipple was suddenly engulfed in heat, scraping, wet and suction. Something close to a scream left me when he moved to the other nipple biting down and ruthlessly pinched the other. My back curved sharply as I twisted, not sure if I was trying to move away from or get closer to the sensations. Heat flashed through my skin and I babbled unintelligibly.

He licked a path down my pectorals and along the line of my abs until he reached my bellybutton, blunt fingernails scored along my ribs and kneaded the flesh there. He blew air into my navel and I laughed, head moving from side to side as I tried to get away from his mouth. He thrust his wet appendage crudely in my belly button a few times in a parody of what we'd be doing soon.

His hand stroked me hard, twisting at the end and I choked on the laughter that was bubbling on my throat instead moaning obscenely.

Yuki switched positions so we were sixty-nining and took my cock into his mouth.

I bucked up into him shrieking as I felt the roughness of his tongue curling around the head of my cock before he SUCKED. One hand restrained my hip while the other mapped out the curve of my ass, fingers tracing lightly along my anus. His mouth released me with a pop and he tightened his grip on my hip before saying, "Suck me."

I sucked his thick cock into my mouth, almost immediately drooling. I slurped at his cock my head at an unnatural angle to make up for my lack of hands. I started taking him marginally deeper and deeper into my mouth till I had him at the back of my throat and my nose was being tickled by blonde pubic hair. I inhaled the musky scent of him as I swallowed around him.

I started a pattern of swallowing him, focusing on the head, and just bobbing my head with a series of licks to the vein on his underside when he took me to the root. I choked on the saliva that had been accumulating and the cock at the back of my throat and my eyes fluttered shut. Yuki drew back a little allowing me to just suck on the head as his other hand stroked my balls. Sweat beaded my body as I writhed at his ministrations.

His fingers at my ass disappeared shortly before wet fingers came back and circled my hole, easing its way in, shifting in and out and just a bit more in. He drew back and suddenly spearing his tongue in my slit, fingers jabbing my prostate hard at the same time. I screamed around him as my eyes rolled back into my head and my entire body spasmed. My balls drew tight and I got light-headed when abruptly Yuki formed a ring against the base of my dick with his finger. I screamed in frustration and thrashed on the bed the handcuffs putting painful pressure on my arms. I couldn't stop moving, I needed something…couldn't stop.

I gurgled in my throat and could faintly hear Yuki in the background of my denied orgasm shushing me. Somewhere along the line he had inserted three fingers and I rocked against them desperately trying to bring myself off. I felt like I had been doing this all evening.

Yuki took out his fingers and replaced them with his dick starting a fast, punishing pace that had the bed rocking. I wrapped both legs around his waist to pull him deeper and matched him thrust for thrust. Yuki tilted his hips a bit, going at different angles until he hit my prostate. White lights burst from behind my eyes and I screamed and yanked at my chained arms. I knew that would hurt later but I couldn't help it, the sensation was too much not to move.

Yuki fucked me now hitting my prostrate at every thrust. Drool slid from the corner of my mouth and sweat pooled on my body making my hair stringy. My body moved in a primal rhythm of its own and we moved against each other sensually.

Ah, ah, ah. So good, God so good. Love you, love you, love you. Oh God more. Yes, yes, yes, almost there, soo fucking close. Yes, yes, Yuuuuukki. Please. Oh yes, there, there, there- right THERE. Aaaahhhh.

My orgasm washed over me again, closing in like a tsunami when it was swiftly wrenched out of my grip. I screamed, "AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Fuck! Yuki, please! Oh God please let me cum. I'll do anything just let me cum. Let. Me. Cum."

And I realized what this was, this was torture, he was torturing me through sex.

Yuki let go of the base of my cock and threw my legs over his shoulders before he started thrusting again. A faint trembling overtook my body at the heightened sensations that the deeper thrusts afforded.

"Yuki!" I wailed as he started nailing my prostate.

His thrusts sped up once again and I was hurtled towards the brink. Yuki glowed golden with a sheen of sweat, biting his lip in concentration as he pleasured us both.

"Yuki," I gasped, looking at the gorgeous man, "Love you, love you so much."

Yuki braced on one hand, thrusts slowing, as he grabbed my head and crushed our lips together, "So fucking beautiful," he rasped.

He clutched my dick and stroked me from root to tip, twisting his hand, "Cum for me, cum right fucking now!" he ordered.

My pitch went high and reedy as my vision went white and I was coming, gloriously cumming, before everything dissolved into nothing.

When I next woke up Yuki was holding me up in our bathtub. We were both submerged into the lightly scented water and Yuki was lazily stroking a washcloth on my skin in soothing patterns. I sighed and relaxed against him.

"So you're awake now."

I nodded, the back of my head hitting his shoulder.

He sat up and reached past me for a glass of juice set on the rim of the tub before holding it to my lips, "Drink."

I drank the juice thirstily not realizing how parched I was until I was actually drinking the ice tea. I choked slightly and Yuki removed the cup cautioning, "Easy, drink it slowly."

We stayed in the tub a while longer before he wrapped me up in a fluffy towel and we collapsed naked on the bed, dead-tired.

This White Day was a good White Day. I got well and properly fucked.

***White Day- March 14, in Japanese culture is the day when guys return the girl's gift, a guy version of Valentine's Day. On Valentine Day the girl gives the guy chocolate or some gift, on White Day the guy returns the favor with a gift 2-3 times the cost.**

A/N: This is the longest chapter I've written to date, just nine pages. I hope you guys liked the sex scene and got the undertones in this chapter. The next chapter is based a couple of years into the future and you guys are almost officially caught up.


	7. Chapter 7 Road to Destruction

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Thanks for beta-ing InnocentGuilt.

Cyanide- Chapter 7

Road to Destruction

Two years have passed. Two long years since I made myself into a different person and still continue to change to please the one I love. Two years and I'm lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to find myself again. Do I have regrets? Yeah I do. I feel so fucking twisted and unnatural, sometimes I'm disgusted with myself…but at the same time I'm getting some things that I never imagined I'd get and things are almost so _effortless_ now. I'm doing things that used to be against my very principles and they grate on me but things are easier and I sort of want them to stay that way. I love him so much I'd do anything for him. Is that what it's like to be corrupted?

I sat in the window seat of our apartment- it was OURS now- and looked down at the pavement dotted with people below- it was a nice, sunny, summer day, a perfect day for writing.

I looked at the notebook on my lap. It was filled with a bunch of ideas and scribbles; it was my songbook. You could call me old-fashioned but writing on the computer just didn't have the same effect as writing songs manually first. I put the buds of the earphones in my ears and opened up the box of pocky beside me before turning on my mp3 player and setting it on random shuffle.

A lot of people wondered why I had an mp3 player when I could get an iPod but I saw no reason to. People could say that an iPod was better, could hold more music and was more aesthetically pleasing all they wanted to but that didn't make a difference to me. I don't see the point in fixing something if it isn't broken. My mp3 player worked just fine and even though it didn't have as many gigs as an iPod that just meant that all the songs I saved on it were all the more precious since I was aware of that lack of space.

The slow guitar rifts started and a light husky, voice softly washed over me.

_You and me_

_We used to be together _

_Everyday together always_

_I really feel_

_That I'm losing my best friend_

_I can't believe this could be the end_

_It looks as though you're letting go_

_And if it's real well I don't want to know_

___Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts_

Our memories  
Well, they can be inviting  
But some are altogether  
Mighty frightening  
As we die, both you and I  
With my head in my hands I sit and cry

Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)  
Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending  
I gotta stop pretending who we are...  
You and me, I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no)  
Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
Don't tell me cause it hurts!  
I know what you're saying  
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,  
don't speak,  
don't speak,  
oh I know what you're thinking  
And I don't need your reasons  
I know you're good,  
I know you're good,  
I know you're real good  
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la  
Don't, Don't, uh-huh 

_Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush  
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts  
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts_

_Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'…_

I laughed hysterically and hunched in on my self, covering my face with my hands. As the tears trickled through my fingers it suddenly occurred to me what I had to do. I turned off the mp3 player and pulled out the ear buds. I fetched a journal and started writing. I had a plan.

At first I hesitated. I loved Yuki and maybe things could still work out, things had been fine so far. Maybe I didn't need to do anything, maybe Yuki would see. He loved me now. If I started going back to normal, he'd still love me, right? After all, I was still the same person. I found out how wrong I was.

I got home from work, today was the day I was going to start my plan to slowly start going back to normal. Everything was so stiff and formal between us now, there were no random hugs, rarely any surprises, things had dulled. I just really wanted to hug my lover, to smell the scent of laundry and sandalwood on him with just a hint of ginger from his shampoo.

I quietly opened the door to his office and heard the sound of clicking keys, he was completely engrossed in his typing; that look was on his face, the one where he was in a world of his own making and nothing besides his decision to come out would bring him out of it. I grinned at that thought and decided to help him out.

I moved behind where he was seated on his swivel chair and prepared to glomp him. I had never seen anyone scare Yuki before and the thought of being the first to my knowledge amused me. I jumped onto his back, one hand on the chair to keep myself from falling and the other I wrapped around his neck hugging him to me one-armed.

"Yuki! How's –"

A sharp pain in my nose stopped my question and I found myself flying through the air. The odd feeling of being suspended with nothing holding me up flashed through me along with the pain in my nose and I collided with something that made my teeth rattle. The jarring feeling of impact thudded through me, taking my breath away, and my vision flashed white before everything went black.

I came to awareness in intervals, slowly sliding into consciousness, hearing snippets of conversations before drifting off again. There was red behind my eyelids, red like my blood sliding down walls. I gasped and sat up, eyes snapping open only to collapse back against the bed as pain seared through me. I whimpered and bit my lip, felt pain twinge through my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply trying to calm myself down. No time to panic.

Questions bubbled through me, where was I? Why was I here? Why was I in pain? What happened? Where was everyone? Why was I alone? I was in a shit load of pain and no one was in here with me. Did something happen? Did they all leave me? Tears trickled out of the corner of my eyes and I lay absolutely still on the bed trying not to aggravate injuries I didn't even know how I got.

I heard the door open and stiffened. Did that mean I was locked in, that someone got me? Footsteps rushed over to me and a warm hand laid touched my cheek followed by the scent of vanilla and coconut. I recognized that scent…Hiro?

"Shuichi?" a voice pleaded, "Shuichi, are you awake? It's me, Hiro. Come on, please open your eyes. You've been out for three days."

Three days? What the hell? What the hell took me out for three days? I opened my eyes and saw a relieved expression cross Hiro's face, his whole body sagging.

"Thank God, you're awake," he breathed, "Everyone was starting to get frantic. You've been unconscious for three days. Do you know what happened?"

He looked at me, eyes sharp and questioning, carefully guarded, and I shook my head.

"Why am I here? Where is here?"

Hiro sat in the chair by my bedside, "You're in a hospital because you had a concussion. Don't you remember it?"

My eyebrows furrowed, "What are you talking about?"

Hiro studied me intensely for a few moments before the tension flowed out of his shoulders and he shook his head, "Never mind."

A doctor walked into the room and smiled at me.

"Ah, Shindou-san, you are awake, I am Dr. Tanaka and will be checking you to make sure that everything is alright."

He paused and looked at me for a bit before I realized he was waiting for a response. My cheeks heated and I nodded, "Okay."

"Good," the doctor replied, "After I'm done, I'll tell the nurse to call Yuki and tell him you've woken up since you have him as your emergency contact."

My eyes widened at the thought that I hadn't thought of Yuki the entire time I had been here and I saw Hiro stiffen, hands clenching the arms of his chair till they turned white. What had gone wrong that Hiro was angrier than usual at the mention of his name? I hadn't seen him this upset since he told me he was letting go of the matter.

"Thank you. Where is he now?" I responded.

"He left a couple of hours ago to get some sleep." Hiro answered.

The doctor nodded and started examining me, doing various things like checking my blood pressure and shining a light into my eyes before standing up and heading toward the door with my chart in his hand.

"Okay someone will be back with ice for that concussion** and later someone will be stopping by to rub some cream into those bruises and rewrap them."

His words snapped me out of my stupor and the pain I was pushing into the background came back ten times worse, I found my voice and asked some of the questions that were on my mind, "What happened? How did I come to be injured? How did I get here? What are all my injuries?"

Dr. Tanaka paused before leaving, "You were brought here three days ago by Yuki. You have a concussion, massive bruising over your back and two cracked ribs, you've also got some bruising on your face. We don't know how you acquired these injuries but the memories should come back to you in time. You have been unconscious for about 70 hours so I suggest you get some rest, Shindou-san."

The doctor left and I turned back to Hiro, eyes drooping, "You're angry, what happened?"

Hiro reached over and stroked a hand through my hair, "Shh, you're tired, you need to get some rest. Don't worry about that now."

I fell asleep to his fingers on my scalp and drifted, vaguely remembering someone waking me up to bandage me and give me ice.

The next time I woke up it was to yelling. Hiro and another voice I recognized as Yuki's were shouting.

"What do you fucking mean it was an accident? You fucking gave him a concussion and two cracked ribs, not to mention that you almost broke his nose! What about that was an accident? You're telling me that head butting him and trying to throw him through a bookshelf was an accident? You shouldn't even be in this fucking room!" Hiro hissed.

"It was an accident. He surprised me and I thought someone was attacking me so I defended myself! I don't have to explain myself to you. I have more right to be in this room than you do, Shuichi would want me here." Yuki finished coolly.

"Get the fuck out. You shouldn't even be near him. I don't know how they believed you but I'm not falling for that crap. You were never good for him, you shouldn't even be together and you expect _me_ to believe that _this_," I felt a wave of air wash over his face, "was an 'accident'?"

"I don't care what you believe," Yuki countered, "That was an accident. Why would I do just this if it wasn't?"

As Yuki spoke vague recollections started coming back. Surprise. Glomp. Pain. Nose…I groaned as the pressure of trying to force the memory of what happened next caused my head to pounding.

Both voices quieted at once and I opened my eyes to see their concerned faces looking down at me. Yuki sat down beside me and took my hand, "Shuichi are you alright?"

Hiro's eye twitched and he grabbed the hand Yuki was holding, "Don't touch him."

Yuki ignored him and continued talking to me, "Do you remember what happened?"

At his words the last of what happened filtered through. The flying, hitting the wall with a crunch, the brief pain, blackness.

I nodded.

Hiro glared at Yuki, "Then tell this guy to get out of your room."

I shook my head, "He's right. It was an accident. I startled him and that's what I got for being off my guard."

Hiro stared at me like I was an alien, "You shouldn't have to be on guard," he huffed, exasperated, "That's my point. Why should you have to be on guard when you're in your house with your lover?"

I didn't have an answer for that, so I said nothing. Hiro looked at me, eyes pleading and I couldn't give him what he wanted. I couldn't blame Yuki or leave him. He pressed his lips together and shook his head, throwing his arms up and stalked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind himself.

A tiny part of me inside winced at disappointing my best friend when he was right.

My eyes drifted to the only other person in the room and caught Yuki's hazel. He leaned over and placed a hard kiss on my lips till I tasted a hint of blood, leaving my mouth with a metallic tinge. I pushed at his chest weakly, whimpering at the scrape of his teeth against my lips. I hurt and really didn't feel like doing this right now.

He leaned back in his seat again and crossed his legs before looking up at me with blazing eyes, "If you weren't already injured I would slap you. What the fuck were you thinking?"

I cringed back, he was really pissed off. "I just wanted to surprise you."

"Surprise me? Surprise me? What have I told you about surprises? You know I don't like them."

I flinched, "I know, I'm sorry-"

"What the hell has been wrong with you lately? You've been off and haven't been acting like the lover I know. I didn't say anything because I thought you'd go back to normal eventually. You haven't acted this stupid since I first met you. That was something 'Stupid Shuichi' would have done and you outgrew that years ago. Tell the person I love in there to come back. I can't fucking believe this. I put up with that crap for years and I'm not about to do it again, so stop whatever it is you're trying to pull. This is not a re-visitation to your glory days. You obviously don't understand or really love me if you're pulling this shit."

My chest tightened and I closed my eyes against the not so physical pain that swamped me- I guess I had found my answer.

I brought a hand up to my forehead to rub at my temples and winced when instead I touched the knot on my forehead, "Yuki, can you just please stop?" I whispered, "You- you can do this another time, any other time just not right now. Please just stop. I have a headache."

I closed my eyes and ignored his concerned and slightly guilty glance. I really didn't feel like doing this right now. I was not going to be bending backwards to placate him or assuage his worries after what he just said.

Yuki didn't think I understood him and while that may be partially true, he was wrong. I understood him fundamentally. I understood what it was to create, to be taken over by the words, to hear them all the time in your head, to always have a constant stream of words running through you like a live wire, to not be able to live without them. I think that put me high up on the list of people that understood him because a lot of people didn't get that. And while what played through me, what I was, was music, it still was another form of writing, another form of using words. That I loved Yuki was also something that helped me understand him better, because of that love I was willing to be patient and try to see things from his perspective; however, that love was also one more thing. That love was a weakness. But I also understood one more thing about Yuki- when he was in doubt or feeling something he didn't want to be feeling he got angry. It didn't take a genius to notice he was guilty. And that guilt gave me one thing. Do you know what that thing was? His guilt gave me a weapon, and I fully intended on using it.

Two days later I sat in front of the mirror putting on the rest of my 'disguise'. The hospital had deemed me okay so I was preparing for my release. The only thing I had to do was pick up my prescription of painkillers for the lingering headaches I had, I had already scheduled another checkup at a neurologist for my concussion a week from now. So far I had on a pair of gray sweatpants along with a slightly loose jade green t-shirt to hide the bandages. Surprisingly enough it didn't look bad. I completed my look by putting the baseball cap backwards over my head and adding a pair of huge sunglasses that just about covered half of my face- I guess they were serving their purpose though since they covered the knot that was still on my forehead.

If I wasn't about to be mobbed I would have found the look cute or amusing. I sighed and got up, deciding my next destination would be the pharmacy. Sometimes being a celebrity was so troublesome.

I was in the pharmacy purchasing the mild painkillers the doctor had prescribed when I heard a squeal. I automatically tensed up. Shit, had they found me?

I turned around, dread churning in my gut and…saw a little girl? Okay, maybe I could deal with this.

"Hi! You're Shuichi from Bad Luck, aren't you?"

I looked around the store to see if anyone else had noticed us, when I saw no one was looking our way, I crouched and answered, "Yeah, I am. But you have to keep it a secret okay? No one's supposed to know I'm in here. What's your name?"

The little girl nodded, expression solemn, "I won't tell anyone. My name is Kira."

"Hi Kira, why are you here? Who did you come with?"

"I came with daddy," Kira pointed behind her at a tall man, "We're getting momma and sissy medication. They were in a car accident."

I reached out and stroked her curly black hair, "I'm sorry to hear that, Kira, I hope they get better soon."

"Momma and sissy like you. They watch all your stuff, that's how I knew it was you."

I smiled at her, "Do you think your mom and sister would like it if I signed something for them so they can be happy while getting better?"

Kira nodded and bounced up and down, her green eyes glittering, "Yeah, they'd be very happy if you did that."

"Okay, do you have anything I can write on?"

She handed me a journal and sparkly pen, confiding, "It's the diary momma bought for me."

I smiled at her before I took the pen and wrote, 'I'm sorry about your accident. I hope you get better soon- Shuichi'.

I was heading out the hospital with Yuki, we hadn't really talked since I woke up that first time with him there and things were a bit tense between us. I opened the door and was blinded by a ton of flashes. Of course I should have known that I wouldn't be able to leave here in peace. I sighed and the reporters started screaming and pressing closer.

"Shuichi, how was it that you ended up in hospital?"

"What are your injuries?"

"Is it true that Yuki put you in there?"

Yuki put his arm around me and I jerked out of his grasp, stifling a gasp. I took a couple of steps back, heart pounding and breathed deep. I was fine, I was fine. Things were perfectly fine. Then why did my heart ache? There was a complete pause and a moment of silence as the paparazzi absorbed what happened. No camera flashes, no questions, no one in my face- just a complete pause. What just happened? In that moment of silence I think I saw what Hiro meant. Was that silence the sound of breaking or a cacophony of things long gone?

I didn't want to admit it then but Hiro was right. This may sound funny to say but even when I was making my plans or up until I got the shit beaten out of me accidently…I had trusted Yuki. Wholly and irrevocably I trusted Yuki. And now…I wasn't sure. Whether or not things were repairable was there even a point in having a relationship?

*** Don't Speak by No Doubt, I do not own this.**

**** I'm not absolutely sure that this is how you treat a concussion, I only know how they treat it when they think you have one, so if anyone knows or I'm incorrect feel free to let me know.**

A/N: Hello all, I'm back. I hope you enjoyed the chapter; it is not beta-ed as I thought that everyone would want to read it first but it will be soon. This chapter is the first part of two. It is also around the year anniversary of the end of the relationship that gave me the prompt to write Cyanide.


	8. Chapter 7 Road to Destruction Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Cyanide- Chapter 7 Part 2- Road to Destruction

I was sitting cross-legged on Yuki's leather couch working on a song. There was one playing in my mind: the beautiful strains of sound just out of reach, the words drifting in white noise. I hummed and a few more words were written down. I sang the next line and frowned, forehead creasing. No, no, no. I shook my head, the last couple of words were off- not the right ones. It didn't mesh as well, it didn't suit the melody floating in my head, the one I was immersed in. It would be an exquisite ache.

I relaxed into the couch not realizing how tense I had become, unclenched my fists, examining the white little crescent marks. How could something take you over so much, just run through you, your blood, like it was a disease?

I closed my eyes, breathed deep, let it go. And the words flowed through me. I smiled in triumph putting the notebook down on the mahogany little coffee table in front of the couch. I think I deserved a drink. My new album was progressing; things were going well. I glanced over the words one more time before I got up.

_*Right under my feet there's air made of bricks  
Pulls me down turns me weak for you  
I find myself repeating like a broken tune  
And I'm… forever excusing your intentions  
And I… give in to my pretendings  
Which forgive you each time  
Without me knowing  
They melt my heart to stone_

And I hear your words that I made up  
You say my name like there could be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time I turn 'round to leave  
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed  
So desperately I try to link it with my head  
But instead I fall back to my knees  
As you tear your way right through me  
I forgive you once again  
Without me knowing  
You've burnt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up  
You say my name like there could be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love

Why do you steal my hand  
Whenever I'm standing my own ground  
You build me up, then leave me dead

(Well) I hear your words you made up  
(So) I say your name like there should be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love

I padded barefoot to the kitchen, reveling in the smooth, cool wood underneath my feet. Everything just seemed right in that moment you captured the perfect song from your head, wrote the words down. The feeling was like a high that carried you over.

I pulled out a melon ramune soda and pushed down on the marble in the cap before draining it. I pulled out another soda, this time mango, and headed back to the couch.

I froze when I saw a stiff Yuki reading the song on the notebook and set the ramune on the floor.

His eyes flashed to mine and he gritted his teeth before he spoke, "I already apologized."

"I know you did," I replied evenly.

"I was writing a murder scene, I didn't hear you come up behind me. I was absorbed and your hands were wrapping around my neck. I just reacted. I've already apologized."

And the bruises were still on my skin. Yeah, you apologized –- once. And that was after the paparazzi. I didn't say any of that, instead I shrugged, "What do you want me to say?"

Yuki's eyes narrowed at me and I could see the annoyance in his posture, "I didn't see or hear you just like you didn't when I came in and you were writing just now."

I decided not to respond to that. I _had_ heard him come in, vaguely with all that wonderful music in my head but I still heard him. I wasn't going to say that though. It would do nothing and I had learned to pick my battles. Maybe I was good at something after all.

Yuki didn't like the silence, his hand clenched around the notebook, rumpling the pages. I did respond to that, "Maybe you should put the notebook down."

"Why?" Yuki taunted, "Why should I? Are you afraid I'm going to damage your precious little notebook? Is it all that's important to you?"

I crossed my arms. He did not just go there, I was still in his house wasn't I?

"It's private. You shouldn't have read it."

And if you hadn't we wouldn't be having this conversation. Those words were left unsaid.

"What's so important about it, it's just a simple song."

I resisted snorting– if he thought it was 'just a simple song' then why was he getting so upset.

Instead I rallied with, "That's not the point, it's private. I don't read your stories when they're on your laptop," there was no inflection in my voice.

Yuki dropped the notebook on the ground and crowded my space, "As if you could," he sneered, "I'd tan your ass."

I raised an eyebrow and brushed the hair out of my eyes, touching the knot that was still on my forehead. 'I think you already have. Funny that. I didn't even touch any of your things.' I thought.

Yuki leaned into me more, golden eyes flashing, "What do you think you're trying to fucking accomplish? Playing up those fucking bruises all the fucking time. We've been here two days, two fucking days, and all you do is act like you're in pain. You reach up for something in the cupboard you wince, you stretch you wince, you wander around the house half naked showing off those injuries. I've never been able to get you to take of your shirt that much and now that I've accidently injured you I get a free show?"

My eye twitched and I tightened my mouth in a compressed little line before counting to ten in my head, "Did it occur to you that it might hurt to wear a shirt? Or that the stretches I have to do might hurt? Or even that it hurt to get those things out of the cupboard but that I didn't want to bother you?" I struggled to keep my voice from raising.

Yuki huffed out a breath of laughter, "You didn't want to bother me? Yeah, you seem to be like that lately. You're idea of not bothering seems to be not talking to me at all. What, did I hit a sore spot before? Was it because I'm right? You haven't had a full conversation with me since the hospital; matter of fact you haven't said more than a few words."

The edges of my temper frayed, "You need to get the fuck over yourself," I snapped.

"Or what?" Yuki returned, voice raising, "What are you going to do about it?"

I pushed past him, picking up my notebook from the floor. "Nothing Yuki," I shook my head, "I'm not going to do a thing about it."

I started walking towards the bedroom when he crowded me again, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"To put some cream on my bruises. Move out of my way."

He looked down at me, his upper lip curling, "What do you think that you're righteous, that you've got some sort of moral high ground because you've got a couple of bruises? So you think you're all pious to put up with me?"

The perilous thread of my patience snapped, "No I don't. How do you feel? After all you are the one that put them there, you're the one that hurt me. Did you like it? Did it make you feel good, powerful?"

Yuki grabbed my shoulders and shook me before shoving me away, "Shut up!" he screamed.

I laughed. "What's the matter Yuki? What's one more injury? Does it make you feel better?"

Yuki raised his hand and for a second I thought that he would slap me instead he pushed me into the wall, "Shut your fucking mouth, I don't want to hear you."

I pushed closer to him, invading his personal space, "And what are you going to do about it? Hit me some more?"

He shoved me back into the wall harder, glaring at me, "Are you going to kill me like you killed Yuki?"

The blood drained out of his face and he turned white, swaying on his feet. He looked at me with eyes gone wide before he stumbled to the bedroom, grabbed his keys and a jacket, and walked out.

He didn't come home for three days.

I knew it as soon as those words left my mouth, as soon as I asked if he'd kill me too, that I'd passed the point of no return. The utter pain in him at that moment… It was as if I'd had a defining moment in my life, as if I'd done something permanent- nailed one of the final nails in my coffin. And this time it was me that did the damage. This time it was me that made _him _walk away. It was a role reversal. And part of me reveled in taking back some control, in making him be the one that was hurting. The other part of my wondered if I was turning into a monster.

{[(0)]}***-+++-***{[(0)]}

Yuki stepped into the house and closed the door. I looked up at him from the couch before turning back to the tv and continuing to watch.

He paused in the doorway and stared at me before taking off his shoes. His face was puzzled and he was looking at me like he couldn't quite figure me out before he moved out of his still action pose and moved toward the kitchen. He came back with a beer and drained that pretty quickly before sitting on the armchair across from me and shrugging of his coat. Yuki searched through the pockets of the jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, folding the jacket over the arm of the automen.

He stared at me a bit more before he got impatient and got up, turning off the tv. That got my attention. I looked at him and when he remained silent turned away and used the remote to turn the television back on.

He moved in front of my view of the tv, "Aren't you going to ask me where I was?"

I looked him in the eye and responded, "No," I gestured with my hand toward the television, "If you could move out of the way…I was watching the tv."

He blinked at me, silent for a moment, "Don't you want to know where I was? If what the papers wrote is true?"

I shrugged, "Nope."

His mouth hung open and I felt a stirring of amusement, "Careful, you might catch flies."

His mouth tightened and he grinded his teeth before looking at me, annoyed, "Don't you care?"

I stopped trying to look around him and just looked up. I sighed and wiggled back into the couch and answered, "Not particularly." I was aware that his last question could be taken in more than one way. He could be asking if I cared where he was, if I cared in general, anything. But in either or all cases that was my answer to all the questions: not particularly.

I think I could count on one hand the amount of times I had actually seen Yuki shocked or _affected_ and this was one of them. He stared at me for a couple of moments longer, longer than he usually spared any attention to me outside of sex or necessary things, and walked to his office before he closed the door quietly behind him. It wasn't brought up again.

I sat on the soft swivel chair while my face got powdered and the lady did my makeup. I was about to go on an interview live as my PR reps solution to the hospital incident along with Yuki ditching me, the band would also be performing a couple of songs with me to garner publicity. I had gone over the questions at work so I would be prepared and not embarrass myself.

I stepped outside the dressing room backstage when the host invited me in and sat on the couch. It was surprising hot under all the lights on set.

The host welcomed me and went through the introductions before the interrogation began.

"What got you into music, Shuichi?"

"I don't think it's something you necessarily choose to go into. It's in your blood, people are born musicians not made."

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

I smiled, "Oh, you get that everywhere. From the things happening in your life, the people you meet, nature, television, your experiences, your friends experiences, love, everything. There's a song in everything, some are just better at finding them in certain areas."

"Who is your favourite musician?"

There was no hesitation, "Ryuichi Sakuma."

"What do you like about him?"

I licked my lips, "Everything. But his voice? Wow. When he gets up on stage and sings it's just incredible. It's like he pulls you into the experience with him."

"What gave you your motivation for the album you released last year, Gray Areas?"

"Oh, that was just life."

"Yeah? The album seems like a bit of a mix, as if you were unsure of your relationship. Is that true."

I nodded, "Yeah." If she wanted me to elaborate she was going to have to do better than that.

"Were you having problems with Yuki? Doubting him?"

I folded my hands and placed them on my lap, I had gone over this question, just say the lines, "I wasn't doubting Yuki but there were a few rough spots."

"Rough spots? So you were having relationship problems?"

I shrugged, "Yeah. Everyone has them. Just a normal part of life, being famous makes me no different from anybody else. Our problems helped us in a way. When you have problems it matures you, working them out make you stronger and your love comes out even more. Having problems makes you appreciate the person you're with. Makes you wake up in the morning and look at them and think, 'Damn I really love this person.' I know 'Gray Areas' made it seem that I had problems with Yuki but it wasn't only that, it also showed hope."

"So Shuichi, how long have you been with Yuki?"

"I've been with Yuki since I was eighteen so five years,"

"Wow that's a long time. There have been rumours that Yuki brought you to fame, what do you think about those?"

I looked at her and tilted my head, this definitely hadn't been one of the questions, "Could you clarify?" I asked.

She shrugged and smiled, "Oh, some have said that Yuki made you famous when you stared going out with him or that you rose to fame when you became his lover, that he's the reason you're famous. Is that true?"

I laughed and raised an eyebrow, "I don't know, what do you think? You've heard me sing so I suppose that sort of answer would be left to my audience," I grinned at her, "I'll tell you a secret, when I first met Yuki he thought my lyrics were crap. I won't use his exact words but he mentioned something about the low quality of my lyrics. If it were up to him I probably wouldn't be famous." I shrugged and smiled.

"You mentioned that he didn't like your lyrics when you first met, how did you meet?"

"I know this will sound corny or unreal but we honest to God met in a park. I was working on my lyrics, cause I had a band back then even if we weren't known, and they blow away to him. He read them and insulted me when I got them back. I didn't see him for a while after that but we met again."

"Where was you first date."

I smiled at the memory, Yuki and I had certainly done things backwards, "At an amusement park." I wonder what she'd think if she found out that my first date with him happened after I had already lived with him and that I had to win a deal between us for it.

She leaned closer to me, "Tell me, this is something everyone wants to know, what's Yuki like in bed?"

I smiled wryly, "Like he is with almost everything: good."

Her eyebrows shot up and she practically squealed, "What's your favourite position?"

I shrugged, "I don't have one. Yuki's exceptional at them all. He's really good at whatever he sets his mind to. I remember this one time we were playing- oh, inappropriate forum for that."

The host slumped with disappointment and licked her lips, "Who did you lose your virginity to?"

I looked at her, just when did she think I started having sex? It's not like I was the most popular person before I got famous, more like the class clown, "Yuki."

Her eyes went wide, "Really?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

"What about the others you've been with? There were a few rumours of you cheating on Yuki a while back."

I looked at her mildly, "Yuki's the only person I've ever been with." And it was true. I didn't consider the people that raped me a part of my sexual experience, I wasn't a voluntary person in that.

"Would you ever cheat on Yuki?"

I plastered a smile to my face and shook my head, "No, I would never do that. I love Yuki."

I took a deep breath, even while this interview was happening I had kept track of the time, things were winding down which meant that she'd be asking the big questions now, I prepared myself not to give any tells.

"You were in the hospital a week and a half ago. What happened, did Yuki put you in there? Everyone saw you stiffen and pull away when he tried to touch you."

I opened my mouth and lied through my teeth, "I was injured and Yuki came with me to the hospital. He stayed by my side the entire time and was very supportive. I appreciate that he was there with me. My injuries left me very sore so when he touched me I pulled away because it hurt. There was nothing else in that."

The hostess rose her eyebrows, "Oh? And how did you get your injuries?"

Dammit, "By doing something stupid I shouldn't have done," I smiled disarmingly, "I'm sure we have all done things that make us cringe in remembrance from the utter thoughtlessness. " I lifted a shoulder, "One of those moments."

She nodded in understanding, "Can you tell us about the three days Yuki left you and the people he was seen with? Did you break-up or have a fight?"

I nodded, "Yeah, just a slight disagreement that got blown out of proportions. We both over-reacted. I suppose that's what you get with a combination of creative people like us, sometimes it's a volatile combination."

"What about the people he was with?"

I shrugged, "His friends? I don't know? Even though Yuki and I are lovers and live together we still have our own lives and friends."

"And what about the allegations that he cheated on you? Do you believe that they are true?"

I smiled at that and she pulled back a bit, surprised. I suppose that wasn't a question you smiled at, "No, I do not."

She blinked, "Why not? There were pictures of him with various people, male and female- some of them compromising."

I looked at her for a moment and broke out of script, I knew who was watching this, "You also saw pictures of me like that and _I _didn't cheat. And to answer your question, I know he didn't because he wouldn't come back."

The hostess's brow furrowed, "What do you mean he wouldn't come back?"

The corner of my mouth lifted but it wasn't a smile, "Exactly what I said, if Yuki cheated on me he wouldn't come back." There wouldn't be a point.

The host frowned, "What do you mean?"

Was the woman obtuse? I looked at the camera, "It's quite simple, Yuki and I have an understanding. He knows what I mean."

A beep sounded somewhere in the background and the hostess straightened up before looking towards the audience, "Alright, that's all the time we have with Shuichi today but we were lucky. He will be performing two of his singles from his album Gray Areas for us today! Please give him a round of applause."

I got up and walked to the microphone and band equipment set on the stage before nodding at Hiro and Suguru. They were here but this interview was for me because of the recent happenings and because I was the singer in the band.

The piano started in slowly and I started with a soft, "Da da, da da, da da, da da…"

The drum from Hiro came in so I pulled the microphone closer and started singing.

_**Built a perfect house in a perfect town  
Dreamt a perfect dream and it all fell down  
We held on tight like hungry lovers  
Watched the day break from beneath the covers  
Had to know for sure what it's all about_

Oh, this should be easy  
Oh, just tell me we're happy  
Just building castles in the sand

_Da da, da da, da da, da da…_

I saw the naked light and it burned my eyes  
Couldn't look away no matter how I tried  
I watched you explode when you think it's over  
And I burst in comin' like a supernova  
Had to track you down, had to find you out

Oh, this should be easy  
Oh, just tell me we're happy  
Just building castles in the sand

_Da da, da da, da da… _

_Just building castles in the sand_

_da da, da da, da da, da da…_

_And tides roll in, and waves get closer  
The night was over  
But we get stronger every time  
We build our castles in the sand_

Built a perfect house in perfect town  
Dreamt a perfect dream and it all fell down

Ohhh,

_Oh, just tell me we're happy, oh  
Just building castles in the sand  
Just building castles in the sand_

_Da da, da da, da da, da da_

Ohhhh,

_Oh, just bulding castles in the sand  
da da, da da, da da…_

_I know, I know, I know_

_Da da, da da, da da…_

_Just building castles in the sand_

I waited for the next song to start, this one was taped because Bad Luck didn't have enough people to play synchronizer, guitar and drums. Well it did but only Hiro knew how to play drums and guitar. As it was more complicated to simply record one instrument and get Hiro and Suguru to play their own in time to it I was going at it alone for this song. On tour we had hired someone. The train of thought stopped as the drums came in softly and the guitar followed. I brought the microphone to my lips once again and started singing.

_***Clouds part…  
Just to give us a little sun_

There's a limit to your love  
Like a waterfall in slow motion  
Like a map with no ocean  
There's a limit to your love

_Your love, your love, your love…_

There's a limit to you care  
So carelessly there  
Is it truth or dare  
There's a limit to your care

Oh,

_I love, I love, I love  
This dream of going upstream  
I love, I love, I love  
The trouble that you give me  
I know, I know, I know  
That only I can save me  
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go  
Right down the road, oh_

There's a limit to your love  
Like a waterfall in slow motion  
Like a map with no ocean  
There's a limit to your love  
Your love, your love, your love

I can't read your smile  
It should be written on your face  
I'm piecing it together  
There's something out of place  
Ooh

I love, I love, I love  
This dream of going upstream  
I love, I love, I love  
All the trouble that you give me  
I know, I know, I know  
That only I can save me  
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go  
Out on the road, out on the road…

Because there is no limit  
There's no limit  
No limit, no limit, no limit  
To my love…

I took a deep breath as I finished and looked out at the audience. They looked entranced. I felt a wave of happiness and triumph roll through me at the thought that they looked this way because of me; that _I _had done this. I beamed at the crowd.

The hostess smiled and came up to me, hooking her arm through mine, "Let's thank Shuichi for coming on our show today!"

* Melt my Heart to Stone by Adele

** Castles in the Sand by the Philosopher Kings

***The Limit to Your Love by Feist

I do not own any of these songs. And there's chapter 7 part 2. Did it clear up any issues or answer any questions? Chapter 7 parts 1 and 2 altogether were 16 pages. Enjoy.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Thank you, Orchestra Master, for the awesome beta job.

Cyanide- Chapter 8

I stepped into our apartment still smiling, high off of my performance yesterday. I took off my shoes, setting them to the side, and bumped right into Eiri.

"Where the hell were you?"

I kept the smile on my face by sheer force of will, "I slept at a hotel last night."

Eiri crossed his arms, "With who?"

I smirk evilly, "Do you mean who checked in the hotel with me or who slept in my room?"

Eiri growled and slammed a fist into the wall by my head, I didn't even flinch, "Don't play with me."

I frowned at him, "Then don't start things. You know very well that I haven't cheated on you with anyone and that I slept by myself last night. Did I question you when you decided to leave for three days?"

Eiri smirked, "Then you do care about who I was with and where I went."

"No Eiri," he flinched, I had never called him that, "I don't."

I brushed by him and headed into the kitchen, I was hungry.

"I," I continued, "would just like to be afforded the same privilege."

I pulled down ingredients from the cupboards and the fridge, setting them on the counter. Looks like it would be sweet and spicy chicken. I put some rice in the rice cooker and got it started. Yuki followed me into the kitchen his face the proverbial thundercloud and I sighed, "Do we really have to do this, Eiri? Are you sure you want to do this? Because I'm getting really tired of this, perhaps its time to take a break, put things in a new perspective. I don't want to keep going round like this."

As I spoke I watched Eiri's facial expression with a dulled sort of amusement. It went from shocked that I'd even suggest breaking up, to alarmed, to pale. Interesting that.

He reached out for me and pulled me into his arms, I remained motionless as he hugged me and stroked my hair, "I'm sorry, things have just been a little tense; we're fine."

He massaged my scalp and I cracked, letting out a faint moan and melting into him.

He pulled away and took my hand, "Come on, let's go to bed. I'll give you a massage."

A couple of days later the Eiri that cared had disappeared and he returned to normal. I don't even know why that hurt, I should have actually been used to it. Eiri only really cared about himself, after all. Some say revenge is a dish best served cold but I think it's more effective and satisfying piping hot. If Eiri wanted to play games, I'd play games.

I'd had enough of this, it was time to turn the tables- let him see how it felt. And I'd make sure I hit harder, I would dominate, no, _obliterate_ him. Yeah, everything would go according to plan.

##-(**^^**)-##

"Come to bed, Shuichi."

"No," I replied. I didn't think bad behaviour should be rewarded and it occurred to me recently that I could actually say no. Whether or not I wanted sex I always gave it to Eiri because I didn't want him to stray. I wanted to keep him satisfied (for both our sakes).

"No?" Eiri questioned.

I nodded and smiled, "No."

Eiri smiled, it was all teeth, "And what makes you think that I simply won't go elsewhere to get what I want then? People would fall over themselves to have me."

"Because you don't want me to do the same. Whether or not we fuck if you want to cheat you will. If you find someone else then be your guest, I wish them the best of luck."

I turned back to the computer game I was playing on my laptop, "Now if you would go away, I have better things to be doing."

Eiri looked incredulous; he looked at the screen and blinked, "You consider a computer game that can be paused more important than sex?"

I rolled my eyes and looked up at him, letting a gust of air out of my nose, "There's more to sex than an orgasm. And that can wait too, so yes the game is more important right now."

I turned my back to him and distantly heard a door slam.

~~^^-(****)-^^~~

Eiri had a bad week and I had to admit that I was partially the cause of it; he was having a case of writers block while his editor was on his case, and arguing with Mika over something he had done to Tatsuha wasn't helping either. He looked like he was at the end of his rope and about to snap. I decided that maybe it was time to help him relax. Being nice to him would weaken him more and it would hurt when I went back to attacking. I would bring Eiri down using his own attack.

Yuki came in the door, pocketing his cell phone and sighing. Those golden eyes looked up and spotted me on the couch. His body tensed and he adopted a wary expression.

I pushed myself off the leather couch and swayed to him, "Hi, Yuki."

His eyes widened and I smiled at him, I hadn't called him 'Yuki' in a while. I took his hand and tugged him towards the kitchen table, "Come on, I made you something to eat."

I pushed him into a seat and took out a plate for both of us, serving out some food.

"What's the occasion?" he asked gruffly.

"Oh, nothing," I smiled, "I just thought you could use a break. I know things have been hard on you lately."

I started eating the chicken katsu I had prepared and Eiri followed my example.

When I was done I looked up at him and smiled, "Let's go to bed?"

Eiri stood up abruptly, dumped our dishes in the sink, and pulled me towards the bedroom.

"Hey! What about the dishes?" I protested.

"They can be done later."

He pushed me on the bed and started stripping off my clothes.

I moaned as he pinched a nipple and arched, gasping.

Yuki pulled back and got rid of his own clothing before lying on top of me.

I felt myself starting to get aroused. I don't know but there was something about his weight pressing down on me and finding it just a little harder to breathe but so warm, like now and when he was resting on me after sex, that just did it for me. Maybe it was a conditioned response but I was fine with that.

Yuki slid down me slightly and bit at my neck finding my sweet spot and staying there. I writhed under him, eyelids fluttering as his hands stroked the sensitive spot on my hipbone.

"Ah, Yuki, not too hard," I gasped, "You can't leave marks…ah…I've got a photo shoot for a magazine soon. Oh…nghh…" I lost my train of thought and my eyes rolled slightly as he bit down, "No… hickies," I panted and twisted under that warm weight.

Yuki moved down a bit move and laved and nipped at my collarbones. One of my hands went to the back of his head and pressed down while the other went to the small of his back and scratched. Yuki pressed into me and I could feel his erection poking my thigh.

"In me… Yuki fuck me."

Yuki ignored me, moving to my nipples. His mouth pulled one in applying gentle suction while his hand pinched and pulled at the other nipple harshly. My eyes rolled and I bucked under him. Oh, that felt good, really good. Ah, I had to give those lyrics to Hiro and change the notes on the synthesizer for that other song, I hadn't liked the way Suguru sounded on it. My mind went blank when Yuki bit down on my nipple and twisted the other at the same time. Oh fuck, damn he needed to fuck me now or I would do it myself. What the hell was taking him so long?

Two spit slick fingers pushed into me and I gasped, moving a bit away to alleviate the burn.

"Ow, fuck Yuki, lube. We haven't done this lately often enough to skip it."

"And whose fault is that?" Yuki growled.

I rolled my eyes and pushed him off me. Did we really need to be getting into this now? I didn't think so. I rolled on the bed and opened the bedside drawer, pulling out the lube and spreading some over my fingers. I looked down at my chest and saw a litter of little hickies and bruises. I really shouldn't be letting him mark me. The photographer would have a field day with this if I had to strip and make-up always felt weird when it wasn't on my face.

I pushed two fingers into myself scissoring them and thrusting them in, riding them. I added another finger and tried not to flinch before finding my prostate and nudging it, moaning aloud and grinding on my fingers. When I deemed myself ready I reached for Yuki, he was still grumbling. I slid my hand up his dick slicking it up before lifting myself up and pushing myself down onto his dick.

"Holy shoot man," I muttered annoyed, "Get over it, now shut up. And. Fuck me."

He didn't move for a bit so I grinded down and looked at him, "Do I need to fuck myself?"

I started to move when Yuki grabbed my hips and lifted me before pulling me down and thrusting up at the same time. My hands scrabbled at his chest, scratching, as a strangled scream left me at the direct prostate stimulation.

Oh fuck, oh fuck this was good. Sometimes I could swear it was his only redeeming quality.

The latest song I was working on started playing in my head and I found myself unconsciously humming as Yuki thrust into me.

Yuki flipped me and pushed my head into the pillows at the head of his bed, putting the other hand between my shoulders and pressing down before he started fucking me again. He plunged into me again hard, and started a fast series of thrusts, "Pay attention to me when I'm fucking you," his voice was hard and he grunted, slowing down his thrusts.

I moaned, pleasure washing through my body, "Then fuck me like you mean it."

I bit my lips as the words escaped me. Damn it, I'd probably have trouble walking for the next few days. It's not like Yuki was small by any means, I just had to antagonize him didn't I?

He started thrusting against my prostate every thrust and I bit my lip, moaning. Oh, God.

Yuki thrusts in me a couple more times, pushing my head further into the sheets, and grunted and I felt the warm spurts in me signifying he had come. He rolled off me, panting, and I flopped onto my back.

Yuki got his breath back and swallowed me down, no playing as a finger slid up my ass and pressed on my prostate. He sucked hard and I came screaming, arching and pulling at the sheets.

I rolled over to my side and started breathing again before getting up and heading to the shower to get off the sweat and see what I could do about all the hickies on me. A part of me was kind of sad and devastated that during that entire thing he hadn't once kissed me.

(^*-*^~+~***====***~+~)

I played with the book in my hand, it was Eiri's latest, as I looked up from the chair I was sitting in, "You really are insecure aren't you?" I asked conversationally as I looked at him.

Eiri was sprawled on the couch, and his mouth tightened at my question.

He snarled at me, "I'm not insecure."

I smiled and nodded, "Yes, yes you are. Can you tell me what else would get you to imply, on television no less, that I might not be faithful or love you?"

Eiri glared at me, "I was justified! And I didn't say any of that, if that's what they got from it it's not my fault."

I nodded again, my face neutral, "I see. And how were you justified, because by your standards you're worse than me."

"I'm not worse than you," Eiri spat out, "You keep parading them around in front of me and you know it."

I rolled my eyes, "For the last time, I haven't cheated on you ever in the course of this charade of a relationship. You know what? Fuck this and fuck you." I tossed the book at him silently hoping it would hit him.

"You, Eiri, are a hypocrite," I stared at him and he drew back slightly, "You've got no right to be harassing me day in and day out about who you think I'm with when you blatantly rub all your previous conquests and all the people you flirt with in my face. You've even done it for that book," I gestured toward the book that was now on the couch beside him and ran a hand through my hair, "If you want to keep on this subject then I'll give you something to talk about."

Eiri's face morphed, turned ugly, "Yeah, I may flirt for my books a bit but at least I'm dressed while I'm doing it. You look like a whore, the audience almost sees as much of you naked as I do. So do not talk to me about being a hypocrite."

I raised my eyebrows, "Is that what this is about? I'm not the one that rubs his conquests and all the previous people he's fucked in your face along with how many people would kill to have you now. I dress the way I do because that's what's picked out for me, you flirt and say all that stuff because you want to."

"You don't rub your previous partners in my face 'cause you haven't had any, otherwise you'd do it too. You know you would."

I sneered at him, "Oh? Well that's easily solved, I'm sure I can get more partners if that's what you think. And no, I wouldn't rub them in your face. Do you want to know why? Because it's _rude_, and it also would be none of your business."

Eiri smirked at me, "And what about not cheating on me? I guess I see how much your words are worth."

I laughed, "Well since you seem so intent on me cheating then I should oblige you, give you your justification. And how much my words are worth? That's rich coming from you; you lie for a living- you write lies for a living. The question here isn't how much _my_ words are worth because we both know yours are useless."

"Don't talk about my work like that," Eiri hissed, getting up, "If anyone's work is useless it's yours. Wow, what does singing do for anybody especially when you write such crappy songs?"

"Yeah?" I growled, "Well more people can relate to _my_ songs than they can your books. That I make more money than you proves that."

"Shut the fuck up," Eiri yelled at me, "Your songs are worthless, _you_ are worthless."

"Aww," I tsked at him, "That's part of what this was about isn't it. My making more money than you bothers you, so you feel the need to put me down so you can feel better. You're so twisted that I almost feel sorry for you. But you seem to be forgetting one thing, I don't need to sit here and take your crap, I don't even need to listen to you. So I'm going to be going now."

"Where the hell do you think you're going? Running away? You're not going anywhere until we finish this."

"Yes I am, you can't stop me. I'll be spending the night at Hiro's," I looked at him and smiled, "Maybe I'll fuck him too while I'm there."

The look of pure rage on Eiri's face was worth it as I picked up my wallet, keys, and jacket while I headed for the door.

"See you in a few days," I called over my shoulder.

The door quietly clicked shut behind me.

(^^**-#~#-**^^)

I smiled at Yuki, "Happy anniversary."

I poured two glasses of red into the crystal glasses and passed Yuki his before raising my glass, "Kanpai."

Yuki raised his wine in return.

I took a couple of sips, "How was your day?"

Yuki shrugged, "The usual. Editor wants some work, to see some outlines. How about you?"

I smiled, "The same—recordings, being chased by fans, magazine interview in a couple of days."

Yuki's lips quirked, "And magazine interviews are a daily thing?"

I grinned up at him, "You know what I mean. They're semi-regular; interviews, shows, and all things public fit into the interview category."

"But that can't be right," Yuki said, giving me a mock confused look, "If they don't ask you questions in one of those forums then how can it be considered an interview?"

I rolled my eyes, "You know what I mean. I'm talking about the things I have to make a public appearance in."

"Then do concerts count?"

I tilted me head to the side, thinking about it, "I suppose they do."

Yuki laughed and angled my face up kissing me. I hummed into the kiss, putting my wine on the table and winding my arms around his neck. The kiss was good and Yuki smelled wonderful, I breathed him in as he did all the things I liked with his mouth; going slow and shallow, flicking with his tongue. I relaxed into him and just enjoyed it.

It was interesting becoming fully aroused by a kiss but not doing anything about it, we hadn't just kissed and savoured each other in a while. Whenever we kissed it always led to getting rid of our clothes and seeing how fast we could get on whichever flat surface was nearest to us. We hadn't kissed in awhile.

I made a small sound into Yuki's mouth and he stroked my back. Desperation raced through me, not sex just pure desperation- the need for something. I kissed him, gave him everything I had, moving both my hands to either side of his face. Willing him to see, to understand; what exactly I wanted him to understand I was uncertain, I just knew I had to.

We kissed for a while longer before Yuki pulled away, kissing my forehead.

He started talking, avoiding my eyes and stuttering a bit, "I- I know that sometimes I'm an ass to you. That I'm not everything I should be to you, not…not supportive enough. I don't apologize for the shit I do, but you forgive me anyway.

"You always forgive me, you always come back. I- shit I'm no good at this, fuck. What I'm trying to say is that you put up with me even though sometimes I'm more trouble than I'm worth and don't treat you as well as I should. And that I love you, for all that and more, because you still accept me and haven't left."

Yuki thrust out a hand and opened his palm revealing a jewelry box, "Here," he said gruffly.

I took the box out of his hand and opened it. In it was a ring but that didn't describe it right. In it was a ring with many other rings in it, rings writhing and twisting around each other in varying sized bands with a large, square cut purple gem on top. I touched it reverently and looked up slightly at Yuki's voice before going back to gazing at the looping bands. He had never given me something like this before.

"It's platinum and silver, the jewel on it is an amethyst. I got it because it matched your eyes and I wanted to get you something unique that you could wear. It's a meditation ring, because all those different bands in the ring spin-even the one with the stone- and the act of spinning them is a form of meditation," Yuki seemed to deflate before stating in a small voice, "I love you."

I looked up from the ring I had been staring at the entire time he'd been talking and threw myself at him.

"Yuki," I whispered hoarsely, "I love you too, I love you so much that sometimes it hurts."

If either of us were crying as we embraced it wasn't mentioned again. I didn't take off the ring for a long time.

:)0^-^0(1-_-1)0~_~0(:

One person managed to discover my plan and I was unfortunate enough that they happened to be paparazzi.

I was in a popular restaurant eating and writing, I had specifically gotten a corner, private booth because I didn't want to be seen. I could see people from where I was sitting but they couldn't see me, it was that and the food that kept me sitting in the restaurant; I really didn't feel like dealing with people right now.

I looked up; I needed to use the bathroom. I looked down at the journal outlining the plans I had for Eiri and looked in the direction of the bathroom. I couldn't bring it in with me, that was gross but I couldn't just leave it here could I?

I glanced around, my gaze sweeping around the room and deciding I saw no one I recognized I decided to leave the journal on the table. I quickly went to the bathroom and came back, my heart feeling like it was stopping in my chest when I saw someone leaning over my table reading my journal.

I quickened my steps and snatched the book out of the man's hands, closing it, "Thank you," my voice was icy.

I got a good look at the man and realized it was the photographer/paparazzi that had been there when I had gotten raped. I probably wouldn't have remembered his face if it hadn't been for the situation where we got introduced. His face was sporting a look of horror, pale and wide-eyed.

"You're evil," he breathed out, "There's something fundamentally wrong with you."

I raised an eyebrow, "Well isn't that harsh," I commented as I slipped into the cushioned seats across from him in the booth.

"Well I suppose everyone is allowed their opinion," I said callously, leaning forward and looking at him, "As long as it stays with them. I'm afraid I can't let you print or publicize anything you've read in that journal."

"No," the man shook his head, "People deserve to know this."

"What's your name? I don't remember it," I said, ignoring his last response.

"Fujisaka Yoshita," he replied.

I placed my hands on the table, "Well Fujisaka-san, I can't allow you to publicize what you read in the journal, which was none of your business anyway."

"You can't stop me, this will be my big break."

I laughed, "No one will believe you. What proof will you show them?" I saw him cover his pocket and realized that he may have taken pictures of the journal, that wouldn't do, "Wow, you took some pictures; lovely. And how will those prove that you've got my journal and didn't stage this?"

I saw him frown and smirked at him, "Exactly. I'll get to the point. You are not willing to just let this go and I am willing to do a lot of things to make you. I suppose I could threaten to kill you, just make you disappear along with those pictures you took but I don't think that would faze you, I could also threaten to ruin your career but I think that would have similar results. I'm actually no good with this threatening business as you're the first person I've had to threaten but I do remember a certain Sakuma Ryuichi mentioning something that made you go pale the last time you had the misfortune of photographing me. I'm very good friends with Ryuichi, I think I can get him to share whatever it was."

I pulled out my cell phone, "Would you like me to call him now?"

Fujisaka shook his head wildly, face white.

I held out a hand, "Cell phone please."

He handed it over with shaking hands, and I opened it going to the pictures, deleting the pertinent ones and checking for any sound recordings, deleting those too while giving him a look. After I had scoured his phone I handed it back to him, "I see no reason to break a perfectly good phone, plus I wouldn't provide you with another one. Any other devices I should know about on your person?"

He shook his head and I looked at him sharply, "I hope for your sake that you're not lying, if I see any of this in the future I'll know who's behind it and I will get you. I'm sure that you've read that I'm good at that."

I got up from the table, leaving him, and went to pay my bill before leaving the restaurant.

As I left I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Ryuichi's number, "Hello? Ryu-chan I need to talk to you…come to your house? Alright, I'll see you there soon," I said, walking down to the subway station.

As I stood in the car on the way to Ryuichi's house I ignored the part of me that may have been breaking because what I had just done; just another necessary evil.

)+*_*+^!^+-+(

I knocked on Ryuichi's door, bracing myself. The door shot open and I had an armful of Ryuichi, I hugged back shortly and let myself be dragged in, kicking off my shoes as Ryuichi pulled me to the couch.

"Ryuichi is _so_ happy to see Shuichi, na no da! Shu-chan needs to visit more."

I smiled at him, being around Ryuichi generally made me happy I tended to get caught up in his moods, the smile faded, though, as I remembered why I was there.

Ryuichi saw, his eyes narrowed at me before the happy mask took over, "What's wrong, na no da? What Kuma-chan? You think we should give Shu-chan candy so he can get better and that he should hold you? Ok!"

Ryuichi shot off the couch, dumping Kuma-chan into my arms and came back with a bag of candy, "Here you go," he chirped, "Now feel better!"

One side of my mouth tilted upward and I shook my head accepting the bag and pulling out a random gummy candy, "Ryu-chan, I need to talk to you."

Ryuichi paid me no mind dancing in the room, and humming a song only he could hear.

"Ryuichi!"

He stopped abruptly and looked at me, "I need to talk to you seriously," I said, looking into his eyes.

His face turned staid and he sat down beside me on the couch, "What is it?"

I bit my lip and took a deep breath, "Do you remember that photographer, Fujisaka? The one that was there after my…after the first incident where I was accused of cheating on Eiri?"

Ryuichi turned and looked directly at me, those blue eyes piercing, before he nodded.

"Do you remember how you said something to make him decide not to give the pictures to a magazine or publish them?"

Ryuichi nodded again, "Well," I said, fidgeting, "He's found something else about me out that could potentially blow up in my face."

I watched Ryuichi's eyes harden, and continued quickly, "I sort of used you against him, I hope you don't mind."

Ryuichi smiled and it was more like a baring of teeth, "Not at all, if you'd like I'll even give him a call."

I slumped, tension draining out of me, "Thanks."

I leaned back against the couch some more, it was comfortable and I was tired.

Ryuichi seemed to notice because he took the blanket on the arm of the sofa and draped it over me, "Go to sleep."

I yawned and laid down on the couch before peeping at him through eyes that were closing, "Wait, what did you say to him?"

He looked at me, eyes still solemn, and asked, "Do you really want to know?"

I nodded and he smiled, "I'll tell you if you go clubbing with me and give me a lap dance."

I nodded again, and I saw those eyes widen with surprise at my agreement.

"I told him that I'd make him disappear," Ryuichi said, "I told him that everything he ever did would be erased and that I'd make him watch as his family suffered without him being able to do anything."

Sleep pulled at me and I found myself falling asleep, just as I went under I felt a hand brush at my hair and heard the whispered words, "You and I, we're very much alike, Shuichi."

A/N: And that's chapter 9. No songs in this one but next chapter will more than make up for that. I hope you all liked it; it will be picking up momentum after this.


	10. Chapter 9 Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Cyanide- Chapter 9 Part 1

We've been fighting more lately. About everything: fans, money, cheating. I love him and that's why I can't leave. It's why I stay, and he knows it. And I fucking hate him, I want to scratch those beautiful eyes out sometimes, I want to make him bleed. I want him to feel as I do. I have the upper hand, I'm hurting him too and sometimes that's the only redeeming grace, it's the only thing I could stand for. Hurting him doesn't make things even because even if I don't show it to him I'm still hurting more. I'm pulling a pretense that has taken over my life, pretend to be who he loves, pretend that he doesn't hurt me, pretend that I'm ruthless, pretend everything because I've never had what it takes. And to think it all started with me just wanting to sing. I'm tired, so very tired. And sometimes that's all I think about.

I closed the door behind me. I was going clubbing- I was trying to escape. I was tired of fighting with Eiri so I simply decided not to. I wasn't going to do a couple rounds with him so he could be satisfied with our daily fighting quota, it seemed that one of us was walking away more often. Why was I going to a club? Why was I leaving one place of constant shouting for another? Simple- because it would piss Eiri off wondering who I was grinding on and because it was easy to lose yourself in the music.

I sat at the bar nursing a Broken Down Golf Cart, I never said that I didn't like girly drinks. If anything I figure that they hit you harder and what's the point of drinking something if it tastes bad? You've still got to pay for it.

I put down the drink and sighed, strobe lights practically blinding me, I hadn't been here long but I was not feeling this. I decided to stay one more song before leaving. The song started and more people headed on to the dance floor.

_Ladadadada  
Ladadadadada  
Ladadada  
Dada  
Ladadada_

A body slid onto the stool beside mine and ordered, "Martini, please," before turning to me and extending a hand, "My name is Tanaka, Tanaka Miho, but you can call me Miho."

I looked at her quickly from the long, dark, wavy hair on her head to the brown eyes and small nose to the red painted lips. Her nails were painted red and reminded me of claws, she wore a skintight black sheath and matching black spikes. I looked at her and nodded. Those lips pouted before she took a sip of her drink.

_Alright sir,_

_Sure I'll have another one, it's early_

_Three olives, shake it up, I like it dirty (dirty)_

_Tequila for my friend it makes her flirty (flirty)_

_Trust me_

_I'm the instigator of underwear_

_Showing up, here and there_

_Uh oh (oh no)_

_I'm always on a mission from the get-go (get-go)_

_So what if it's only one o'clock in the afternoon?_

"Guy troubles?" she asked.

I looked at her and raised a brow, "I don't know what you're talking about."

_It's never too soon to_

_Send out all the invitations _

_To the last night of your life_

"Well you're here aren't you? If you were fine you wouldn't be here," she sighed, "I know how you feel, it's never easy being in a relationship with a famous person."

I looked at her, my curiosity piqued.

_Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, _

_I can't help it, I like to party_

_It's genetic, it's electrifying _

_Wind me up and watch me go_

_Where she stops, nobody knows_

_A good excuse to be a bad influence on you_

_And you (x15)_

"And what if I'm here with friends?" I asked.

She made a show of looking around.

_Alright, ma'am (ma'am) _

_Calm down, I know your son said he was at my house_

_He was the captain of the football team but I turned him out_

_He wasn't the first and he won't be the last_

_So tone it down_

_This happens all the time_

"Then where are they?"

_I'm the story they tell, the alibi_

_They want to go home, I ask them why_

_It's daylight (not night)_

_They might need a break from all the real life (get a life)_

_It gets to be too much sometimes_

I smiled and shrugged, "Not here."

_It's never to late to _

_Send out all the invitations_

_To the last night of your life_

She nodded, "I thought so," she said.

_Lordy, Lordy, Lordy,_

_I can't help it, I like to party_

_It's genetic, it's electrifying _

I scoffed, "And what gave that away? Nothing too obvious, I hope. Nothing like the papers?"

_Wind me up and watch me go_

_Where she stops, you'll never know_

_A good excuse to be a bad influence on you_

_And you (x15)_

She smiled, giving me a glimpse of pearly white teeth, "I guess I'm caught."

She ran a finger around the rim of her martini glass. I remained silent, nothing new there.

_I'm off to see the doctor_

_I hope she has a cure_

"_But_," she said, "to my benefit I've seen you around lately. No one that's happy with their guy or girl wastes their time in clubs drinking by themselves when they can be doing better, more enjoyable, things."

_I hope she makes me better_

_What does that even mean?_

_(We don't know!)_

"Then does that mean you're unhappy?" I asked mildly.

_Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, _

_I can't help it, I like to party_

Red lips curved, "Of course it does. But not so unhappy that I can't have fun."

Those dark eyes stared into mine, penetrating and intense. And I silently wondered at whose expense she was having that fun.

_It's genetic, it's electrifying _

_Wind me up and watch me go_

_Where she stops, nobody knows_

_A good excuse to be a bad influence on you_

"Is that so? And how's that working for you?" I queried.

_Lordy, Lordy, Lordy (Lordy, Lordy, Lordy) _

_I can't help it, (Lordy, Lordy, Lordy) I like to party_

"Fabulously. I don't think you've quite figured it out yet, reached that balance."

_It's genetic, it's electrifying _

_Wind me up and watch me go_

Both eyebrows went up at her words and I wondered just how close her situation was to mine, "No?" I asked.

I thought I was getting that balance just fine; after all I had been doing this for a while.

_Where she stops, nobody knows_

_A good excuse to be a bad influence on you_

She looked up at me from her lashes, "No, not yet, but don't worry. I'll teach you."

_Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, _

_I can't help it (Lordy, Lordy, Lordy), I like to party_

"Will you?" I murmured, staring into those dark eyes. It struck me as odd that even though I lived in Japan and the majority of people around me were dark eyed most of the people that I saw daily, regularly, were not.

_It's genetic, it's electrifying _

_You can wind me up and watch me go_

_Where she stops, nobody knows_

_It's a good excuse to be a bad influence on you_

_And you (x15)_

Those blood red lips curved once again and she stroked my cheek, "Yes, I will. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

_I'm a good excuse_

_To be a bad influence on you and you and you_

\+-+00+-+/

I slammed the shot glass down and Miho slid another one across the table. It was one of many at… I blinked, I didn't even know where I was but I was pretty sure I knew when I came in.

I answered the question posed at me, and felt the world tilt, I'm pretty sure that wasn't natural.

"Yuuuki?" I slurred, "Oh nooo, we hate each otherrr."

Someone laughed in the background but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Then what's the problem?" Miho asked.

I shook my head and decided to stay as still as possible lest my chair throw me off and mumbled, "Can't seem to leave each other; like magnets. Stuck."

"So are you gay?" Someone else asked.

I would have shrugged but decided moving was unwise, instead I said, "Dunno, Yuki's been the only guy I was with. Mayyybeeee,"

A picture flashed through my head and I managed to keep the word 'probably' from tumbling through my mouth after that maybe- I guess some things _were_ still private.

"Was Yuki really your first?" Another question. Why did everyone seem to be asking questions?

"Yeah," I answered.

I was really tired. I wanted out of this club, away from these people and further away from the noise. I'd kill for a nap right now but I probably wouldn't be able to find the exit if someone pointed it out to me. I put my head on the table and closed my eyes.

$-(*^#^*)-$

We were standing outside a theatre to watch…something. I couldn't remember what to save my life, though, when I was invited I was very drunk. Everyone was lighting up when Miho looked at me and smiled. I'd come to be wary of that smile, it usually meant something bad would be happening or someone would be providing her amusement- that person was usually me.

She strode over to me and held out a package of cigarettes, "Want one?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm fine."

She must have read something in my face because her eyebrows shot up. "You've never smoked before?"

I shook my head.

"No wonder you're so tense," Miho said, "You've got to try one, it's really relaxing- gets rid of stress."

"No, I'm alright, thanks."

She pushed the cigarette into my hand and held up a lighter, "Just try one, if you don't like it or you don't feel calm after you've had one then I won't bother you again about it."

I sighed and put the cigarette to my lips, breathing in only to start coughing like crazy. Tears streamed down my face as my body tried to expel the smoke.

Miho laughed beside me clutching her sides, "That was so amusing," she gasped.

I held the cigarette in one hand and wiped the tears off my face with the other, glaring.

"Well then, finish it," she said pointing at the cigarette.

I shook my head, "No."

"Miho took my arm and pouted, "Come on, the first breath is the hardest it'll be fine now, besides you promised to finish the entire cigarette."

I frowned at her, I had promised. I put the cigarette to my lips again and took another drag. It was like breathing in ash but the more I breathed it in the easier it was. As the air flowed into me it was like I was being displaced, like the tension in me was released with the smoke from my lungs. I finished the cigarette.

"So how was it?" she asked with a smirk

I grudgingly answered, "Not bad."

Miho pressed the pack into my hand, "You can keep it."

77*(^#^)*77

I opened my eyes and jerked as sunlight seared them, crying out and covering my eyes. Oh my god, it burned. I kept my eyes closed a while longer before tentatively opening them again. Fuck I hurt, my head ached like never before and I was a hairbreadth from throwing my cookies- it really only required movement. I squinted and tried to look around pretty unsuccessfully while the sun relentlessly attacked me. Where the hell was I anyway? I laid still for a while longer before deciding to hell with it. Even if I moved and threw up at least I would feel better. I sat up and felt the leather of the couch move beneath my clammy skin. Wait a minute, leather? I only knew one leather couch like this, I looked around the rest of the room and it was confirmed. Apparently I had made it home last night, I don't remember how but it seemed that I crashed on the couch.

I looked at the time and swore, it was noon and I was very late for work. I got of the couch and staggered to the bathroom.

I frowned at the reflection that greeted me in the mirror; I looked like shit. My skin was had a grayish hue and was very pale, I had huge bags under my eyes and I looked almost gaunt. That might have been from the lack of sleep since I never seemed to get any of that anymore unless I was passed out but I really didn't care to do anything about it now. I sighed and stepped into the shower turning it on as hot as I could bear, there was a reason why I didn't look in the mirror anymore. It was times like these that I wondered if it was worth it, was anything worth it. Would I trade places with the old me if I had a chance to turn back time, would I change anything. Was what I was doing now worth it, was what I was planning worth it. Because in moments like these where I looked like crap, felt like crap, and wasn't happy I wondered if there was a point. And I wasn't allowed to wonder if there was a point, I wasn't allowed to think that something was pointless. If everything was pointless that would mean that everything had no meaning and I couldn't tolerate that thought, that idea that wormed itself in, because if everything was meaningless that would mean that everything I fought for, everything I struggled for, my pain, my passion, everything I gave up, this _thing _that I became was all…insignificant (hollow, irrelevant, inconsequential, empty). And that thought, more than almost anything, would break me.

I stepped into the studio room at 1:05pm and leaned against the wall, looking at the occupants of the room. K looked angry, Sugaru looked pissed, Hiro was somewhere between concerned and frustrated, and Sakano looked like he wanted to pull at his hair. As I leaned against the wall, trying not to drop-man, I was just so _tired_- it occurred to me that soon they would try and do something. They didn't quite think they had the right now, I wasn't often late to work and the evidence of drinking and partying generally wasn't so glaringly obvious, but soon they would think they were _entitled_. They would think it was for my own good. A wave of bitterness flowed through me and for a moment I glared back at them, they were taken aback by it, but I couldn't help it. Even though I hadn't heard those words much I inherently hated it – I think everyone did. Everybody generally rebelled against words that stripped away your options and words that taunted like 'I told you so'. If they thought they'd try and stage an intervention for my sake I'd flay them. Too little, too late- if they really wanted to help me it should have been done long before we reached this point, now there was nothing left to save.

K broke the silence, "Where were you?"

I crossed me arms and met his gaze, "Out."

"That's not good enough."

I shrugged, "That's all you're going to get."

Sugaru jumped in, "You have a responsibility to us, everybody made it in on time but you."

I stared at him; I never really liked the little fucker. He was always so pretentious like he could do no wrong. I didn't let anything show on my face, instead replying, "I'm here now."

If looks could kill I would have been dead with the scathing look Sugaru sent in return, "If you're not going to be serious or think this is something we can do on your schedule then don't waste our time."

I didn't let my face show what I really thought of that comment or how much I wanted to punch him into something.

"I'm not the one wasting time here," I said in a monotone, "I came in here ready to sing instead of harassing a person."

Sugaru turned red and spluttered, looking like he was ready to attack me. I silently hoped he would so I could hit back. When nothing was forthcoming I pushed myself off the wall and went into the recording booth, "Let's go."

Fuck, my head still pounded. Why did I have to deal with all this shit?

\\-+*(%^#^%)*+-/

I stepped into the apartment and removed my shoes before entering the living room, I was wondering if it was worth it to eat anything. I didn't really have much of an appetite anymore but I did still cook for Eiri when I was home, unfortunately the lack of appetite also came with weight loss. If I didn't want anyone bothering me I would need to eat whether or not I was hungry, it was as simple as that.

I looked up and as soon as I saw Eiri on my couch with that scowl on his face I bypassed him, heading for the kitchen. I really wasn't in the mood to fight with him right now, it seemed to be all we did whenever we saw each other so I made it a point not to see him or to be too drunk to actually have a discussion.

He followed me into the kitchen and I sighed, I just couldn't catch a break. Well I hoped he got some enjoyment out of this since that would make one of us.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

I looked at him innocently and widened my eyes, "What do you mean?"

I really didn't know what he was talking about this time but I had an inkling.

"Don't play with me, what the hell are you thinking?"

I dropped the look and stared at him flatly, "I have no idea what you're talking about, you'll have to be more specific."

"You've been drinking excessively, going out and partying at all hours, you're never home, you've started smoking."

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow, "So? That's nothing you haven't done."

I was not about to let him play that card, if he tried it, I would call him out for being a hypocrite so fast his head would spin.

"Yeah and if it were just that I would leave it alone but your boss tells me you've been showing up to work late or drunk more often, he's also informed me that singers aren't supposed to smoke and that your performance lately has been bad and that you've been fighting more often with your band mates. So I repeat, what the hell are you doing?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Oh, so now you suddenly care about what happens at my workplace? How nice that you couldn't give a damn when I cared to tell you but you're so interested when it comes from Touma. It's my life- I'll do whatever I want. What right do you have to even try and talk to me?"

"What right? You're mine, Shuichi. I have a right to do whatever I want to you (and you wouldn't even complain much if I did would you?). I have even more of a right to interrupt when you're destroying yourself. I'm not going to watch you do this. I'll stop you even if I have to force you to go into a detox program, you obviously don't care what's good for you."

I choked on laughter and felt bitterness rise in me. The laughter that rose out of me when I could no longer choke it down sounded slightly hysterical. I looked at him, eyes wild, and clutched a kitchen chair to keep from toppling.

"You," I panted, "You are so fucking amusing. How do you think I got here? You're going to save me from myself? That's hilarious. _You're_ what ruined me. You ruin everything you touch, turn it ugly, you're what destroys things. I loved you so much, I love you so much; you just take and take and take till there's nothing, not even a shadow, and you leave the thing you ruined in your wake. You're why I got to this point. You talk of saving me?" I laughed some more, "You're why I'm like this."

I let go of the chair and leaned into him, placed a hand on his chest right above his heart and quietly said, "Don't you ever talk to me about my bad habits when you're the reason why they started. I find it so funny how you manage to be so good at everything but destroy everything around you. If you ever get the idea to save me from myself again and mention it to me I will never forgive you and you will know exactly why."

I stared at Eiri's shocked, pale face for a couple of moments before he responded, "Then why are you still with me if I've ruined you?"

I sighed as I looked at him, I had been unnecessarily harsh; he didn't need to know the effect he had on people he formed bonds with. Yeah, all we seemed to do was hurt each other but that didn't make this attack okay.

I moved past him from the kitchen towards the door, "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to say that. I'll just… go somewhere else for the night."

Eiri stopped me, "You haven't answered my question, why are you still with me?"

I was just so tired. I played with the ring he had given me, slipping it on and off.

"That would be the question, wouldn't it?" I asked before shrugging, "The answer is I still love you no matter how much I hate you for what I've become," I laughed bitterly, "Love won, if you can believe it."

I moved toward the door and was blocked by Eiri's arm.

"Then stay," he stated quietly.

So I did. What else could I do?

\-(*&^%$%^&*)-/

I sat in front of the mirror, I was finding so many things quite droll lately and wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. The reason I was in front of the mirror? I was putting on make-up, I seemed to do that a lot lately. Covering bruises, enhancing aspects of your face and looks, covering up your appearance when you looked like shit- it was all the same.

This time I was covering the horrid bags underneath my eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I had sleep that wasn't alcohol induced and I looked it. I always felt like I was ready to just fall over and sleep for a couple of years. The lack of sleep had also altered my moods a bit, if I wasn't biting the heads off people I was either bouncing across the walls which lead to an epic crash later or feeling like crap.

I finished smoothing the concealer under my eyes and got up. It took all my will power to not just curl up and go to sleep. I couldn't keep doing this, I just didn't have the energy. Usually going to Hiro would cure my sleeping problem but our relationship had been strained lately because of my newly acquired attitude and habits. Something would have to give soon, I just hoped it wouldn't be me.

(+#%/\\%#+)

I stepped into the gyrating mass that was the club just as a new song started up. Strobe lights flashed and people walked/danced around holding glow sticks and drinks. I made my way over to Miho at the bar and ordered a cape cod.

_I wanna be your illusion, be your illusion _

_To make you happy tonight_

_Enjoy this trip with me _

Miho giggled when she saw me, flinging an arm around my shoulder and nearly made me spill my drink.

"What's got you so happy?" I asked her.

_I wanna be your emotion, be your emotion _

_Why don't you turn off the lights? _

_Imagine how we could be living _

She moved to the music a bit and twirled in my arms before smiling, "Do you know what the best revenge is, Shuichi?"

_Sometimes I wonder why _

_We have no limits _

I shook my head, "What?"

_Everything we do is timed _

_To find out who we are _

_We won't stop playing _

_The special game of love _

"Letting someone else punish themselves. Sometimes silence is your best weapon."

_And when we get together _

_The time is running _

I tilted my head in question and Miho patted my cheek.

"So naïve," she murmured.

_I'll be your dream that you'll remember over and over _

_If only you tried me If only you touched me _

"People _want_ a punishment when they do bad things, dear, it makes them feel better. When you're silent and you let it slide sometimes, when you just don't do anything and they know they're in the wrong, they generally punish themselves harder than you ever would."

_I wanna be your illusion, be your illusion _

_To make you happy tonight _

_Enjoy this trip with me _

As I digested what she said Miho smiled, "Do you see, Shuichi?"

_I wanna be your emotion, be your emotion _

_Why don't you turn off the lights?_

_Imagine how we could be living _

I nodded, I did. Most of the time I retaliated right away but the time Yuki hit me I didn't and he punished himself, that was why he lashed out at me. Everything clicked. I looked at Miho in a different light.

_Through the darkness of the town _

_Looking for a lover _

_I'm praying you to stay _

_To keep the promise you made _

_Can't you see it baby _

_It's a part of the game _

_And every time that you say no _

_You got me going crazy _

_I'm going out of my mind _

_I'll do what you want me to _

_I'm a victim baby _

_Just push me through _

Miho smirked, red lips stretching almost obscenely, and took the drink out of my hand, finishing it. Her lips left a perfect blood red lip print on the glass. She smeared it and handed it back to me and I started to wonder who this woman in front of me was and just how much control she had.

_I wanna be your illusion, be your illusion _

_To make you happy tonight _

_Enjoy this trip with me _

"Shuichi, sometimes you have to teach them a lesson, but that lesson sticks when they're the one punishing themselves."

_I wanna be your emotion, be your emotion _

_Why don't you turn off the lights? _

_Imagine how we could be living _

She ordered a martini before fishing one of the olives out and popping it in her mouth, "You don't sit down and take it all the time, mind you, otherwise they'll run you over but you make sure that you keep them on their toes, wear them out slowly, stack the odds in your favour."

_Tonight..._

_I wanna be your ... Illusion I _

_I wanna do what makes you feel alright _

_It's a matter of time now baby _

_It's a matter of fag now baby _

_I'm gonna make you feel good! _

She drained the drink and licked her red stained lips, "Because in the end, Shuichi, it's all a game and you gotta make sure you win."

She laughed and licked the back of her stamped hand, a shudder running through her body as her dark eyes dilated, she slipped another thin sheet between her lips and offered me one.

"Want some?"

I shook my head, drugs would ruin me, I was not going there. I still had some limits. For the first time since I met Miho I was afraid of her. I set the red stained glass in my hand on the bar and made my way out of the club.

(-+-^^$$$$^^-+-)

I closed the door behind me to the studio room and turned to find all my band mates, K, Sagano, and Ryuichi sitting down at a table.

K spoke, "Shuichi take a seat."

I rolled my eyes, I knew this would happen sooner or later but I was kind of hoping that they wouldn't pull this anyway. And did they really have to bring Ryuichi into this? I found it unnecessary.

I sat down and looked at the watch on my wrist, I was on time.

"Is there a problem?" I asked, "I'm on time so I don't know why we're sitting here when we could be recording."

To my surprise it was Hiro that started, "Shuichi just stop it. We're all concerned for you, you haven't been acting like you lately."

I raised an eyebrow and resisted a smirk, "Oh? What do you mean?"

"Cut the crap!" Sugaru stepped in, "You party all the time and when you bother to come to work you're usually late and hung-over, and you've started smoking."

I shrugged, "What of it?"

Ryuichi's eyes shot to mine and piercing blue looked unhappy and serious for a moment before the brunet started playing with his bunny again.

"You're not sleeping and I doubt you spend much time in your apartment with Yuki at night," Hiro's flat voice stated.

Leave it to Hiro to get to the heart of the matter.

"I'm worried," he continued, "You don't spend time with any of us outside of work so how are we supposed to help you?"

I stood up and made my way to the recording booth, "You can't. It's too late to help me. If it's any consolation, Hiro, you were right."

I didn't need to say that he was right about Yuki all along, that went unspoken.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the door, I was done with this.

"Either we are going to start working or I'm going to leave. I have better things to do with my time than waste it on an intervention that's not going to work. If there's a problem with my work then Touma can speak with me himself, if not then do not bring this up again. So are we working or not?"

Just before Hiro passed me and went into the booth he murmured, "At least come to my place and get some sleep tonight."

"Alright," I agreed before I followed him in.

At the end of the day Ryuichi tracked me down, I sort of expected him to after that look he gave me when he found out that I smoked- I was surprised he hadn't found out earlier, it's not like I went through any effort to hide it.

He pulled me into an empty room and leaned against the wall before getting right to the point, "Smoking?"

I shrugged and resisted the urge to wince, I had always wanted his approval.

"I only do it to take the edge off."

Ryuichi frowned, he wasn't even bothering to pretend to be happy, "It's not good for you as a person or a singer."

I nodded, "I know."

"Then why do you continue doing it?"

It was like the energy just drained out of me and I sank to the ground and put my arms around my knees, "I'm just so tired and it helps me keep calm. I'm so fucking stressed and it's keeping me from doing something irreversible. I can't continue like this for much longer."

He crouched beside me and tilted my face up, "Tell me what's wrong. Why have you started drinking and smoking so much lately?"

I shook my head and tried not to cry, "Yuki… only loves me part-time. All we seem to do now is fight so I started drinking so I either wouldn't have to see him or if I did I'd be in no state to hold a conversation, now drinking helps me sleep. Smoking started when I tried one and it just helped, I wasn't so stressed anymore. "

He pulled me into his arms, "Why are you still with him then? There are other people that would love to be with you who wouldn't hurt you so much, why do you stay?"

"Because I love him and because he has his moments."

Ryuichi sighed and stroked my hair, "Shuichi…sometimes you have to let it go."

I looked up from where I had buried my head in his shoulder, "And what if you can't?"

His hand rubbed my back and he hugged me tighter to him, "Then it destroys you."

A/N: This is unbeta-ed and unedited but I do plan to get around to that later, I just thought you guys have waited long enough for this chapter so here it is.

Songs used: Bad Influence by Pink

Illusion by Benny Benassi


	11. Chapter 9 Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation

Cyanide- Chapter 9 Part 2

Ryuichi, Ryuichi, Ryuichi. You're probably wondering: what did he have to do with this fucked up mess? Well… I guess you could say he was another notch in the belt of my path to hell. Sakuma Ryuichi. Who was he to me? The closest thing to God, the man I worshipped. He was just like me in my later days, an expert manipulator, perfect in his art. He saw it in me and gave me everything I needed, or maybe not enough. He consumed me in a way Eiri never did, and I supposed I loved him in my own way-I always loved him. He was my electric man- the guy whose touch felt electric, the closest thing to The One- and even though I loved Yuki, Yuki knew it. It took effort to fall in love with Yuki, it took a catalyst. Ryuichi didn't need one because he was always in my blood.

I was at the studio a week after the intervention, I had been recording and just stepped out of the room a bit to get some air. I smirked and was heading down to the stores on the lower floors so I could get a drink. I ran right into Ryuichi. I bumped into him hard and let out an, "omphh" stumbling. He caught me before I could fall and looked down at me, eyes sharp and serious, before hugging me tight.

"Shuichi, na no da!" he bounced and grabbed my hand before tugging me in the direction of the elevator, "Let's get something to eat. You can hold Kumagoro!"

He pulled me into the elevator and we got something to eat. After work he tracked me down again.

"Let's hang out tonight Shuichi, we'll have lots of fun!"

I looked at him and smiled, "Are you calling in your lap dance?"

Hiro choked beside me, "What?"

I turned to look at him, I had forgotten that he was beside me, "Ryuichi did a favour for me in exchange for going clubbing with him and getting a lap dance."

"What about Yuki?" Hiro sputtered.

I shrugged and looked at him, indifferent, "What about him? It's not like I'm cheating on him."

Hiro looked shocked for a second before shrugging too, "Well if you want to have fun with your friends then I don't see a problem. Yuki did though so you hung out with friends less before you stopped, it's nice to see you getting it back."

"Hiro," I said, looking at him, "Yuki's coming with us."

"How do you plan on accomplishing that? Yuki hates going out, clubbing especially."

I smiled at him and he took a step back, I toned it down realizing that I might be looking a tad too evil, Ryuichi actually looked gleeful, "I have my ways," I said, "He'll definitely be coming with us."

-^*&%$%&*^-

I sat in front of the dresser mirror and stared at my reflection. I was wearing a black mesh top with a sleeveless button up over it with black vinyl pants. I had a pair of heavy knee-high boots with lots of buckles over the pants and was wearing fingerless leather gloves with zippers all over on my arms that went a bit past my elbows. My eyes were outlined with a thick layer of kohl and the lids had a smoky gray eye-shadow, my lips had a coating of gloss. I was dressed to kill.

I walked to Yuki's office, heavy boots thumping to a beat only I could hear, and opened the door. I gave Yuki a moment to take my outfit in before striding over to him and cupping his chin, "Let's go clubbing, Yuki."

A frown marred his face, "No. What the fuck are you wearing? You're not going out in that."

I smiled at the gorgeous bastard, "Yes I am. Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"

"You're not going anywhere so it's not an issue."

I ignored his last words and let go of his chin, straightening up and pasting a frown on my face, "Oh, that's too bad. I guess it will only be me, Hiro, and Ryuichi," I turned towards the door, "Sorry to have disturbed you, I'll leave you to your work."

Yuki grabbed my arm and turned me back around, "What did you just say?" he asked quietly.

I blinked at him innocently, "Hmm? Which part? Asking you to go clubbing with me, saying I was going with Ryuichi and Hiro, or telling you I was sorry to disturb you and that I'd let you get back to your work? I really should, by the way, as I have to leave."

"You're not going clubbing with them by yourself," Yuki growled.

I gave him a fake smile, "Great, you're going to come with me? I'm so happy you changed your mind. I might have gotten bored dancing with them alone, though the lap dance I owe Ryuichi might have spiced things up," I looked at him again before patting his shoulder, "On the other hand, it's okay if you don't come, I think we'll manage just fine without you."

There was rage in Yuki's eyes as he got up and brushed past me, going into the bedroom, door slamming behind him.

"Remember to put on something sexy!" I called after him.

I resisted the urge to smile even after Yuki was gone. He was going clubbing with me whether he wanted to or not. He didn't really want to in this case but that was okay. The only thing that mattered was that he was coming. Yeah, I still had it. Manipulation, it's an art form- it's also a weapon. I used everything in my arsenal.

+++-(^_^)()(~_^)-+++

We stepped into the club looking sexy. Yuki was wearing a pair of leather pants, dress shoes, and a black, button-up, silk shirt- it really brought out the gold of his hair and eyes. Hiro was in a pair of ripped, skintight jeans and a wife beater; his gorgeous hair was loose and he wore a pair of ankle boots. Ryuichi was in a pair of black leather pants tucked into a pair of thigh high leather boots with a slight heel and a gauzy white shirt with ruffles at the neck and cuffs.

When we stepped into the club all eyes turned to us and I could tell a few of them recognized us. Phones slipped not so discreetly out of pockets.

A new song started up as we stalked into the club and the throng parted for us.

_We can fight our desires (ooh ooh)_

_But when we start making fires_

_We get ever so hot (ooh ooh)_

_Whether we like it or not_

_They say we can love who we trust (ooh ooh)_

_But what is love without lust_

_Two hearts with accurate devotion (ooh ooh)_

_And what are feelings without emotions_

_I'm going in for the kill_

_I'm doing it for a thrill_

_I'm hoping you'll understand _

_And not let go of my hand_

_I'm going in for the kill_

_I'm doing it for a thrill_

_I'm hoping you'll understand _

_And not let go of my hand_

_I hang my hopes out on the line (ooh ooh)_

_Will they be ready for you in time_

_If you leave them out too long (ooh ooh)_

_They'll be withered by the sun_

_Full stops and exclamation marks (ooh ooh)_

_My world's stumbled before I start_

_How far can you send emotions (ooh ooh)_

_Can this bridge cross the ocean_

_I'm going in for the kill_

_I'm doing it for a thrill_

_I'm hoping you'll understand _

_And not let go of my hand_

_I'm going in for the kill_

_I'm doing it for a thrill_

_I'm hoping you'll understand _

_And not let go of my hand_

_Let's go to war to make peace  
Let's be cold to create heat  
I hope in darkness we can see_

_And you're not blinded by the light from me_

_I'm going in for the kill_

_I'm doing it for a thrill_

_I'm hoping you'll understand _

_And not let go of my hand_

We made our way to a table and Ryuichi spun me around, laughing. I grinned with him and looked at Hiro, he was also smiling. The crowd looked like it may converge on us so Yuki pulled me up against him and I could feel him pressing against me; I felt a blush creep up my cheeks and licked some of the watermelon gloss off my lips- at least it tasted good. I didn't even know why I was blushing, I had been fucking Yuki for 5 years- an erection wasn't anything new. Tonight just felt like it would be exciting. Everyone was where they were supposed to be. I was in a good enough mood from that alone that I didn't even get upset when the men got up and got drinks for themselves, leaving me at the table. I simply waited for them to come back, tapping my finger to the beat of the music on the table.

I was dancing with Ryuichi and Hiro when Ryuichi looked at me questioningly and asked, "Lap dance?"

I smirked, "Okay. Now?"

Ryuichi nodded.

"How public do you want it?" I asked.

Ryuichi shrugged, "We can do it on the edge of the dance floor but people might see us"

"I don't mind if you don't."

Hiro was staring at us open-mouthed and I resisted the urge to chuckle, I don't think he thought we were serious.

Ryuichi grabbed a chair from one of the tables and dragged it to the dance floor before sitting on it.

I leaned down and whispered, "No touching," in his ear and waited for a new song to start up.

I looked at Hiro, "If Yuki decides to interrupt please stop him. I don't think it will be a problem though because he's hell bent on not dancing. I'd have to push a bit more than this to get him to stop me."

The music started and I began moving. I couldn't really say that I was experienced in giving lap dances but I did know how to move so I did what came naturally.

_Ah ah ah ah ah ah_

_Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah_

_(Yeah)_

I started behind Ryuichi and ran a hand up the back of his neck before coming in front of him.

_Count backwards 5 4 3 2 1_

_Before you get too heated and turned on (This guy)_

I straddled one of his legs and rubbed myself against his side to the beat of the music.

_You should've learned your lesson all in times before_

_You've been bruised you've been broken_

I stepped in front of him and started moving my ass to the beat while running my hands up my sides, giving him a good view.

_And there's my mind saying "Think before you go"_

_Through that door it could lead to nowhere (This guy)_

_Has got you all romantic crazy in your head_

_Do you think I listen? No I don't care_

I bent over at the waist and looked at him from between my legs before slowly straightening up to the music while moving my upper body.

_'Cause I can't focus I can't stop_

_You got me spinning round round round round (Like a record)_

_I can't focus it's too hot (Inside)_

_You'll never get to Heaven_

_If you're scared of getting high_

_(Boy boy)_

I sat in his lap before I started grinded against him, wiggling my ass against his crotch.

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you (Yeah)_

I started bouncing lightly in his lap, moving my ass to the rhythm.

_(Boy boy)_

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you_

I got of his lap and faced him running my hands up his chest until I could wind my arms around his neck and moved my upper body to the music.

_My conscience saying get down off the streets_

_It's too dangerous and deadly (This guy)_

_Has got you talking round in circles can't you see_

_All for the sake of sexy (Loving it)_

I sat in his lap again, this time facing him, and moved to the beat.

_Then there's my sense saying stop before you fall_

_I don't want to pick you up again (This guy)_

_Has got you all romantic crazier each day_

_Do you think I listen? There's no way_

I stiffened my legs and started vibrating against him, startling a sound out of him.

_'Cause I can't focus I can't stop_

_You got me spinning round round round round (Like a record)_

_I can't focus it's too hot (Inside)_

_You'll never get to Heaven_

_If you're scared of getting high_

I arched my torso backwards until my hands touched the ground and started thrusting my pelvis towards him.

_(Boy boy)_

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you_

I straightened up and rose on my knees where I straddled him, letting him smell me and feel the mesh I was wearing against his face.

_(Boy boy)_

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you_

I got up and put one foot beside him on the chair and started moving my hips while playing with my hair and undoing the first couple buttons of my sleeveless.

_Let me keep freaking around (freaking around, freaking around)_

_Red blooded women_

_It's too hot inside_

_And you'll never get to Heaven_

_If you're scared of getting high_

I sat in his lap, my back facing him, and bubbled on him slowly.

_La la la la la la la la _

_Freaking around_

_La la la la la la la la _

_Freaking around_

_La la la la la la la la _

_Freaking around_

_La la la la la la la la (This girl wants to rock with you)_

_Freaking around_

I slipped off him to the ground before facing him and coming slowly up his body from between his legs, running my hands up his thighs and then sides, rotating my butt to the beat.

_(Boy boy)_

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you_

I sat on his lap one more time, back facing him, before trying something I saw. I leaned forward till my hands touched the ground and cradled him between my knees, ass thrusting back towards his face.

_(Boy boy)_

_Let me keep freaking around I wanna get down_

_And I'm a red-blooded woman_

_What's the point of hanging around?_

_(Boy boy)_

_Don't wanna keep turning it down_

_When this girl wants to rock with you_

I got up and moved against his side, moving closer to his face till mine was a hairsbreadth away and sang to the last line, breathing against his lips.

_Wanna rock with you_

I took a deep breath and looked into Ryuichi's eyes. They had turned so dark they almost looked black and his was clutching the chair, breathing a little heavy. I moved away from him a bit and was surprised to see that we had the attention of nearly everyone in the club. I hadn't noticed them stop to look at us.

"So was it alright?" I asked him.

He laughed and it was a little strained, "Alright? That's one way to put it."

That he wasn't joking around or pretending to be all bouncy and happy said I got to him. I pulled him off the chair and walked past Hiro and Yuki to an empty table. The one we had first claimed had long since been taken.

Yuki was glaring at me and it looked like the only thing stopping him from making a scene and blowing up at me was that we were in a club with hundreds of witnesses.

I returned his look with one of my own, "It's not like I didn't warn you about what would happen."

"I thought you were just saying that to provoke me," his jaw clenched.

I laughed a bit, "That doesn't take lying on my part, it never has," I looked down at the table and took a deep breath, "Look, I'm in a good mood right now and I won't allow anything to ruin it. If you would get past your no dancing rule I would have danced with you too."

He didn't say anything to that so I danced some more with Hiro and Ryuichi, it was really fun and freeing. We decided that we'd dance to one more song before leaving since everyone was getting tired. Hiro decided to sit this one out with Yuki.

_I can see you stalking like a predator_

_I've been here before_

_Temptation calls like Adam to the apple but I will not be caught_

_Cause I can read those velvet eyes_

_And all I see is lies_

I stalked Ryuichi across the dance floor and people moved out of our way. We got to the end and there was no where else to go so he pulled me flush against him, I bit back a moan at the feeling of the moving bodies around us and the feel of his body hot against mine. We swayed back into the crowd.

_No more poison killing my emotions_

_I will not be frozen_

_Dancing is my remedy remedy_

_I'll stop stop praying cause I'm not not playing_

_I'm not frozen, dancing is my remedy remedy_

Our bodies bumped and grinded to the rhythm, sweat starting to pool on our bodies as we moved fast and hard to the music. The pants were already uncomfortable and hot, I knew I wouldn't particularly like taking them off tonight.

_I'll move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

I laughed hearing the lyrics, body shaking against Ryuichi's.

_I've got a remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_I'll move while you're watching me_

"What is it?" he asked, pulling me tighter against his body and slowly rubbing against me.

_Dance with the enemy_

My eyes closed and I groaned, " Can you imagine what Yuki will think of these lyrics, the fact that we're alone dancing to them?"

_Here is my remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_Spin me faster like a kaleidoscope_

_All I've gots the floor_

Ryuichi spun me and pulled me back in before dipping me. I gasped and grinned at him. I couldn't care less about what Yuki thought right now. I was having fun.

_Yeah, you can try but I've found the antidote_

_Music is the cure_

_So you can try to paralyze but I know best this time_

_No more poison killing my emotions_

_I will not be frozen_

Ryuichi's eyes were so dark, he was really attractive like this. His eyes bored into mine before his hands grasped my hips and tilted them up. He grinded against me in hard, tight, little circling motions and I couldn't stop the moan that left me.

_Dancing is my remedy remedy_

_I'll stop stop praying cause I'm not not playing_

_I'm not frozen, dancing is my remedy remedy_

Suddenly another presence was behind me and someone was at my back. I tried to move away but Ryuichi kept me still. I turned my face to the side and relaxed when I saw it was Yuki.

_I'll move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

Yuki plastered himself to my back and rocked against me and my eyes just about rolled into my head when it just pushed me harder into Ryuichi.

_I've got a remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_I'll move while you're watching me_

They kept up the push pull and one of my arms looped around each of their necks as I moaned between them.

_Dance with the enemy_

_Here is my remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_And when the music fades away_

_I know I'll be okay_

They slowed down to a maddening pace with me between them as one of Yuki's hands played with my nipple through the materials of my shirt. The brush of the mesh against my sensitized skin was intense.

_Contagious rhythms in my brain_

_Let it play_

_No more poison killing my emotions_

_I will not be frozen_

They sped up again and I bit my lip to stifle the noise I was making. I was so close to cumming on the dance floor. Being between Yuki and Ryuichi while they danced against me like this was wet-dream material. I was in the middle of a very happy boy sandwich.

_Dancing is my remedy remedy_

_I'll stop stop praying cause I'm not not playing_

_I'm not frozen, dancing is my remedy remedy_

_I'll move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

I started to get a little dazed and was startled when Ryuichi grabbed my hair and pulled. The little bit of pain spurred me further.

"Ah…" I gasped.

_I've got a remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_I'll move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

One of Yuki's hands snaked around my neck and squeezed a little and it was like everything snapped into focus. My skin got hypersensitive, I could see everything happening around us, and could hear everyone around us.

_Here is my remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_Move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

Yuki's hand squeezed my neck a bit more and he leaned down and bit my earlobe.

_I've got a remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

_Move while you're watching me_

He grinded against me hard, pushing me right up against Ryuichi and I could smell both of their scents intermingling, could feel both of them hard and hot against my body, could practically taste our sweat on the air.

_Dance with the enemy_

"Cum," Yuki growled. They were still for a moment against me and everything went white.

_Here is my remedy (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)_

I screamed and Yuki stifled the sound by kissing me hard before I went boneless in between them.

I was a little bit floored by one of the most intense orgasms I'd ever had so it took a little while to recover. I looked around semi-absently while I came back down. A different song was playing but I wasn't sure what. Ryuichi's looked shocked and very aroused, his eyes were practically a thin ring of navy around his pupils. I touched his arm lightly and he looked at me, a soft, "Oh," escaping him before he licked his lips.

A wave of tiredness washed over me and I staggered between them. I had been dancing all night and now I had practically had sex on the dance floor with two people. It was unlikely that I'd be moving without help. Yuki turned me around and there was an odd expression on his face before he covered it up.

"Can you wrap your legs around me?" he asked. I squinted at him and wondered what he was thinking, the expression on his face before was still in his voice but I was too tired to figure it out now.

I nodded and Yuki lifted me up so I wrapped myself around him. I felt a hand brush against my back and tucked my face into his neck, smelling sweat and Yuki. I nuzzled tiredly and licked him.

Yuki stumbled and stopped, "Shuichi."

I heard the reprimand in his voice so I stopped and concentrated on staying awake. Ryuichi was walking beside us and that's when I realized that he had a hand on my back. He looked thoughtful.

We reached Hiro and he was practically vibrating in shock.

"You," Hiro started, "Was that? They both-"

Hiro released an expulsion of breath and started again, "Everyone was staring at Yuki when you started dancing with Ryuichi and then Yuki joined you guys and it was like you guys were having sex on the floor. Yuki carried you off the floor!"

"Hiro," I murmured.

"Hmm?" he replied.

"You're going to have to tell me this again another day. 'm tired."

"Did you cum on the floor?" he asked.

"Mmm, yes. Was good, very good, intense."

I licked my lips and tasted Yuki on my lips, my hips moved restlessly and Yuki pressed me against him to keep me still. Ryuichi's hand fisted on my back and I knew they were reacting to something I said.

"You really did! Wow."

"Hiro," I said, "Tired. Be quiet."

/|\\-++(($$$&&&&$$$))++-\\|/

My phone rang and I answered as I made my way to work.

"Hello?"

"Shuichi," I froze. Miho?

"Miho." I said. I'm sure my voice got several degrees colder.

"You've been avoiding me."

I wondered if I should deny that before deciding not to, "I suppose I was."

"Oh, not even denying it. I knew there was a reason I like you."

I huffed a breath of laughter, "I don't think you really liked me, Miho. You empathized with me but in the end I was like everyone else. I was just another game, something to amuse you."

She laughed and I felt dread rise in my stomach, "Most people don't figure that out."

I smiled and it didn't reach my eyes, it didn't even matter that she couldn't see me, "I knew I was your entertainment from the beginning but it was around the end that I figured out it was a game. If love is one then everything else must be too."

"You're right. It was fun seeing everything I influenced you to do."

I swallowed, "Yeah, I can't say that I liked the person I was with you but I did learn some useful things."

"I like to make sure everyone comes out with something."

"That's nice. Please don't call me back, I can deal with Yuki on my own."

She laughed again and I felt the desire to hit something. How could I have been so stupid?

"I don't have to call you, Shuichi," Miho purred, "You'll call me. Everyone does eventually."

"Then let's hope that I'll be that exception."

"I'm a very good friend to those that figure my game out."

The only problem with that is that I probably never would, if her husband hadn't managed to yet how would I?

"Goodbye, Miho. Have a nice life."

I hung up. Burning bridges? Who, me?

I shrugged and entered the studio. It was hard to burn something that was never truly there.

[^_^][T.T][~_^] [#_#][~_~]

I was practically bouncing around in excitement. Ryuichi was about to perform an encore, I was at one of his concerts. It wasn't as if I hadn't seen him before but each time I did it was special. He was just that good, nothing less could be expected from the person that was the reason I was in music. Ryuichi was my idol.

The lights dimmed as he came onto the stage again, he'd be singing a new song tonight and I couldn't wait to hear it. He wouldn't let me hear even when I visited him at work so I was looking forward to it.

_Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time  
I feel alive  
And the world, I'll turn it inside out yeah  
I'm floating around in ecstasy _

Ryuichi caressed the mic and the image was so sexual it brought a blush to my face. I kept remembering the night in the club._  
So don't stop me now  
Don't stop me  
'cause I'm having a good time _

Ryuichi started tapping out the beat with one leg while he sang into the microphone._  
Having a good time_

I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky  
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity  
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva  
I'm gonna go go go there's no stopping me

He swiped sweaty hair out of his face and started belting out the song again_  
I'm burning through the sky yea  
Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit  
I'm traveling at the speed of light  
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you  
_He pointed in my direction in the crowd and everyone around me started going crazy. I could have sworn that he looked at me when he sang it though. I shook my head and just listened to the song.

_Don't stop me now  
I'm having such a good time  
I'm having a ball_

He prowled across the stage, giving the audience a view of him._  
Don't stop me now  
If you wanna have a good time  
Just give me a call  
Don't stop me now  
'cause I'm having a good time  
Don't stop me now_

He sank to his knees in the middle of the stage and started touching the closest people he could reach, singing to them._  
Yes I'm having a good time  
I don't wanna stop at all_

Ryuichi hopped back up and started walking the stage again.__

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars  
On a collision course  
I am a satellite  
I'm out of control  
I'm a sex machine ready to reload

Ryuichi walked to Touma on the synthesizer and humped against him._  
Like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh explode!  
I'm burning through the sky yeah  
Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit  
I'm traveling at the speed of light  
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you_

On the last word Ryuichi pointed out into the audience again.__

Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me hey hey hey!  
Don't stop me, don't stop me ooh ooh ooh  
I like it

He bounced across the stage singing into the mic, eyes intense._  
Don't stop me don't stop me  
Have a good time good time  
Don't stop me don't stop me  
ohhhhhhh!_

Ryuichi picked up the guitar leaning against Touma's keyboard and started rocking and singing into the mic in his ear.__

ohhhhhhh  
Burning through the sky yeah  
Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit  
I'm traveling at the speed of light  
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now

Ryuichi put down the guitar and started bouncing across the stage again._  
I'm having such a good time  
I'm having a ball  
Don't stop me now_

He picked up the discarded mic stand and started singing into it._  
If you wanna have a good time  
Just give me a call  
Don't stop me now  
'cause I'm having a good time  
Don't stop me now  
Yes I'm having a good time  
I don't wanna stop at all  
_

Ryuichi sat on the edge of the stage and started crooning into the microphone while swaying to the beat. _  
Da da da da daaaa da da da  
Ha da da ha ha ha ha  
Ha da da da da _

There was a moment of silence when the song was over before the crowd went crazy. I clapped until my hands hurt, I still had a long way to go. I made my way backstage, fighting the crowd, to go and congratulate him.

I finally reached backstage and was stopped by security.

"ID?" The guard asked.

I took of the hat I was wearing and gave him my driver's license, "Shindou, Shuichi. I should be on the guest list.

The guard looked at me and checked the list before waving me in, "Go right in."

I went straight to the door with the star on it and knocked. Ryuichi had been given the star because he liked bright shiny things and tended to get lost so it helped him find his way, it was a bit of an inside joke between he and his band mates; Noriko and Touma didn't have stars.

The door opened and I entered before gasping. Ryuichi was standing there with his shirt off and the vestiges of make-up still on his face. He looked sexy with the eyeliner making his eyes pop out and the mascara lengthening his lashes. My throat was suddenly dry and I swallowed as he looked at me.

"How'd you like it?" he asked. His voice was a little raspy from singing all night and I tried not to make it too obvious that I had a hard on.

"Wow," I breathed, "You were amazing, your song was awesome. I didn't even know you could play the guitar!"

Ryuichi's lips tilted upward in a smile, "I practiced for tonight, I've always known how to play but I didn't really hone it."

I frowned when I realized Ryuichi was still serious. He shouldn't be and he rocked tonight- as always- plus he wasn't singing now so why was he still serious?

"Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, just cleaning up," he wiped the make-up off his face and slipped the shirt back on.

"I think I may have forgotten the change of clothes I brought in my car."

"You have a car?" I asked, puzzled. This was just getting weirder and weirder.

"Yeah," Ryuichi nodded, "I rarely drive though."

Ryuichi grinned and came towards me, lifting me up and spinning me.

I laughed and hugged him, "You were so awesome tonight! And your new song! Oh my, it was incredible! Everyone's going to be singing that or telling their friends about it."

Ryuichi kissed me and it stopped the flow of my babble. It was light, just a chaste kiss but it silenced me. My cheeks flooded with red, and I remembered cumming on the dance floor with him hot and hard in front of me- the smell of him and Yuki in my nose. I got harder and squirmed to be put down.

He set me on the ground and bent till his nose was touching mine, "Shuichi, come home with me."

He kissed me, brushing his lips against mine and I pushed him away from me, "You mean?"

"Yeah," Ryuichi said before he kissed me again harder.

I melted against him and closed my eyes, felt the energy around and in him on my lips.

"Okay," I whispered.

-(wink wink nudge nudge)-

Ryuichi carried me to the bed and set me on it before lying on top of me and kissing me. He was a steady pressure against my lips and I moaned against him, licking at his lips to get him to open for me. He had kissed me four times so far but hadn't once tried to French kiss me.

He gasped against my lips and I slid my tongue into his mouth. I curiously explored his mouth rubbing my tongue against his and licking at his palette when he started sucking my tongue. I groaned and pulled him harder against me.

He rolled us over and I detached myself from him a moment to pull off the t-shirt he was wearing, he had changed from the button up blue shirt he had on during the concert in his car. He had also taken off the lace up calf high boots and put on sneakers, the leather pants he kept on.

I looked at him on the bed with only his leather pants on, skin flushed and topless with those cooper nipples peaked, hair in disarray around him and felt heat run through my body. I bent down and sucked one of those pretty nipples into my mouth. Ryuichi arched sharply off the bed with a cry and twisted beneath me. I hummed and bit lightly at his nipple, one of my hands going to his other one and playing with it. I rubbed my stomach against his erection as my hand tugged, twisted, and flicked at his nipple while I bit down on the one I had in my mouth. Ryuichi wailed and the constant soundtrack of moans and whimpers that was coming from him was almost like music, I was delighted at how sensitive his nipples were.

I released the hard, red nipple in my mouth and switched to the other while my hand tormented the one I had just had in my mouth. Ryuichi bucked under me before I felt his fingers in my hair, moving my head away from his chest.

I met his dark blue eyes and looked at him in question. His eyes were dilated to the point where there was only a thin ring of blue and his face was flushed, mouth open and gasping for of air.

"Shuichi, no more," his voice was hoarse, "If you keep doing that I'll come. It's been a while and I've wanted you for so long."

I nodded and quickly kissed him before moving to his earlobe. I still wanted to explore him, I didn't want him to cum just yet.

I licked the shell of his ear to his lobe before I bit it lightly, Ryuichi twitched under me and I smiled before moving down to his neck.

Ryuichi's neck was sensitive but not as sensitive as his nipples. After leaving a necklace of bites around his neck- I was starting to get the idea that he liked it rough- I moved down to his collarbone, leaving stinging little bites that I soothed with my tongue. Ryuichi was rocking against me, hips rolling beneath mine, and I knew that he would cum soon.

I moved down his chest, licking at his nipples briefly, he gasped and stuffed a fist in his mouth to stifle the sounds he was making and rocked his hips against me hard. I pulled his hand out of his mouth and licked whimsical patterns onto his washboard flat stomach with my tongue. I peeled the leather pants off him, licking at the sharp lines of his hipbones and tasted sweat.

He arched and there was a desperate look on his face, "Shuichi, please!"

I continued down his thigh, stopping to lick at the back of his knee before nipping at the bend. Ryuichi's body jerked and something close to a scream left his mouth. His hand moved to his cock and he started jerking it quickly. I slapped his hand away and he growled at me.

"Stop teasing, I need to cum."

I looked at his penis, it was a very dark shade of pink, long and uncut. He was longer than Yuki but not as thick. I wondered what he would feel like inside me.

I licked around the base before moving down to his balls and sucking one into my mouth. Ryuichi quivered under me and one of his hands wound itself roughly into my hair. I sucked his other ball in and laved them with my tongue and his hand trembled.

"Cl-close," he stuttered as his eyes fluttered shut.

I brushed a finger over his hole and felt him clench up. Ryuichi's eyes snapped open and I watched his eyes go blind as he came, a quiet whimper leaving him.

I suddenly found myself on my back, my clothes in a pile on the floor, with Ryuichi on top of me. I looked down and was surprised to see that Ryuichi was still half hard, my eyebrows rose.

Ryuichi smirked evilly down at me, "You've only taken the edge off, now it's your turn."

I felt my cock throb and moaned, wrapping my legs around him and rubbing my body against his.

A soft, "Oh," escaped me at how good it felt.

Ryuichi pushed away from me and shook his head, "No, I want to explore you."

He kissed me lightly and started nibbling his way down from my lips to the underside of my jaw. I gasped and tilted my head up to give him more room, it was like he was making my skin more sensitive, it felt fantastic.

Ryuichi moved down my jaw to my neck and started leaving little bites. I gasped and arched into him for a moment before I pushed him away.

"No," I gasped, "You can't leave any marks."

I watched those dark blue eyes and an emotion I couldn't determine drifted through them before Ryuichi smiled, "Okay then, no hickies."

I sighed in relief and the tension that started gathering in me dissolved.

"Thank you," I breathed, now that I had started I didn't want this to stop.

Ryuichi moved from my neck to my collarbone, licking before blowing cool air into the hollow, I shivered.

"Oh, don't thank me."

I tried to look down at Ryuichi to find out what he meant by that but my chin bumped into the top of his head.

Ryuichi caressed the sensitive crease of my groin and all thoughts flew out of my head.

"Ah," I gasped. My hands clenched into fists and I was just a little bit startled to feel the ring Yuki gave me biting into my fingers. I pulled the ring off and held it in the palm of my hand, too distracted to set it down somewhere.

Ryuichi moved down my body and smirked at me, he looked positively evil and it just made me more aroused than I already was.

"It's time for me to return the favour."

Long artistic fingers plucked at my nipples and as I drifted in a haze of pleasure I thought it odd that I was noticing how graceful and long Ryuichi's hands were. My neck arched back and a cry escaped my lips when Ryuichi lowered his head and took one of my nipples into his mouth, applying soft suction. I thrashed on the bed as he sucked while his hand rubbed circles around my other nipple bringing it to a stiff peak, sensitizing but never quite touching it, I dropped the ring.

I groaned and arched trying to get his hand where I wanted and get some friction at the same time. Ryuichi just chuckled, switched nipples, then _grinded_ against me hard. I stifled the scream that rose up in my throat at the dual sensations and used a hand to push him down harder against my chest.

"Oh God, harder!" I begged as he continued to suck gently.

It was driving me nuts that I wasn't getting any pressure, it just made everything stronger even as it was unsatisfying. He played with the other nipple, rubbing and pinching lightly till all the saliva that was there was gone.

"Ryuichi, I need, enough," I growled.

My toes curled when suddenly Ryuichi pinched my nipple _hard _with continuous pressure while he licked my other one. I shook and arched even more into him then started trying to twist out of his grip when it really hurt.

"Ah…ah…stop," I panted, "It hurts."

Ryuichi released my nipple and briefly licked at it causing me to hiss.

He moved down my body licking at my ribs and sides and I squirmed, trying not to laugh.

Ryuichi completely bypassed my cock and started licking at the insides of my thighs. He had to hold my leg to keep me from jerking so he could continue. My head fell back onto his pillows and I moaned as my eyelids fluttered at his ministrations, pre-cum dribbled onto my stomach.

He continued down my leg, stroking and licking while I twitched beneath him. When he reached my ankle I thought he would make his way back up again but instead he licked the ball of my ankle. I yelled in surprise and jerked my leg back but he kept a strong hold on it.

He looked at me, eyes glinting, "Trust me, Shu, you'll like this."

He licked the arch of my foot and I smothered my laughter on the back of my arm. My laughter became a load groan and my eyes rolled into the back of my head as my body spasmed when Ryuichi started sucking on my toes.

Ryuichi switched feet and started sucking on the toes of my other foot. I cried out and felt the heat that came before my orgasms run through me and started trying to pull my feet back but Ryuichi wouldn't let them go. He continued licking and sucking and tracing patterns with his tongue onto the responsive skin of my feet. The heat coiled through me until it couldn't wind any tighter and released in one glorious flash that echoed through my body. I screamed, arching sharply as I rode my orgasm, before falling limp onto the bed.

Ryuichi stroked my hip comfortingly while I came down and reached over me for the lube. He dribbled some on to his hands, rubbing them to warm it, and traced my hole. He continued circling the ring until I relaxed and inserted a finger. I automatically clenched against the finger and he waited until I unclenched before moving his finger in unhurried motions. One finger became two and two became three. I took a breath at the burn and Ryuichi slowed down, tracing random patterns into the skin of my sides. I relaxed a bit and he nudged my prostate.

I arched as tingles spread through my body and I pushed down on his fingers, trying to get more of the feeling. He scissored his fingers and stretched me a bit more before slipping on a condom and slicking his length in lube.

I had a moment before the head of his dick slipped in to think on how unbelievable and weird this was. I never believed I'd ever cheat on Yuki and here I was doing exactly that, and I'd be returning home to him after.

Ryuichi slipped the rest of the way into me and I groaned, locking my legs around his waist. It was an interesting feeling, I had only had sex with Yuki- and I only counted him because the other times it wasn't voluntary- so feeling Ryuichi deeper inside me caused me to gasp and clench around him. Ryuichi's eyes closed and his hips jerked.

"Shuichi, Shu-chan, if you keep doing that I'm going to lose control. I don't want to hurt you," Ryuichi's voice was strained.

I adjusted to him and experimentally moved my hips, moaning as tremors went through me as he struck my prostate directly. Ryuichi took that as his cue to move and started thrusting slowly in and out of me. He kept on that spot and I writhed beneath him as I came undone, mewling and scratching his back when I wasn't clutching the sheets.

"Aaahhhh. Oh God. So good. Faster," I moaned trying to get him to _move_.

I moved my hips faster against him, clenching, trying to get a reaction- any reaction. Ryuichi stilled my hips and kissed me, stopping my babble, "Shh, Shu. Just relax, let me take care of you. I'll get you there, we'll get there. There's no need to rush."

I found myself between awe and annoyance. Why was he still able to form coherent sentences so easily, it was taking me a hell of a lot more to just form simple thoughts.

Ryuichi stroked a hand down my side, lifting me a bit so the small of my back was no longer on the bed. He kneaded at my lower back as he kissed me again and I went boneless. It was an odd sensation, feeling pleasure flow through me making me tense in anticipation while at the same time it felt like the bed was dropping from beneath me. I thrashed as he continued stroking in and out of me.

The hand that had been stroking my side started moving in broader sweeping strokes till he reached my knee, he stroked behind them and the accumulation of pure sensations undid me. I felt my balls tighten and the telltale signs of orgasm bombarded me, the kiss started becoming sloppy on my part as I lost control.

"I'm- I'm gonna cum," I gasped.

Ryuichi stopped thrusting and pulled his lips away from mine, "No. Just a bit longer; wait for me."

I cried out in frustration and felt tears leak down my face at my denied orgasm. Ryuchi stroked my hair, "Shh, shhh, it's okay. I just want you to cum with me."

When I was no longer on the brink of cumming, Ryuichi started moving again. We built our way up, slow thrusts and the sweaty glide of our bodies coming together, our dual moans and gasps like a strange duet. I felt myself on the edge again and this time Ryuichi was with me. His blue eyes burned into mine as we came closer to our pinnacle and one of Ryuichi's hands grasped at mine.

"Cum with me," he gasped.

One thrust. Two thrusts. Three thrusts. And we were there. I had a moment to watch that gorgeous face go slack and those brilliant eyes sightless before whiteness washed over me and I dissolved in it.

I opened my eyes to Ryuichi wiping me off with a warm washcloth and smiled dazedly at him, he smiled back and my breath caught- he was beautiful and I must have never really seen him smile if this is what it looked like. I just really wanted to go to sleep right now. This would be perfect if he would just get on the bed and cuddle with me as we went to sleep. I frowned when I realized exactly what I was thinking. I couldn't do this, I had to go home, I had already messed up enough. I remained on the bed a bit longer before getting up to gather my clothes. I was missing something. What was it? I looked around, puzzled when I spotted something glinting on the floor. My ring!

Ryuichi lost his smile when he saw what I was doing, "Where are you going?"

I couldn't really bring myself to look at him, "Home." I felt bad when I saw the flinch and started pulling my clothes on, I picked up the ring and slipped it in my pocket.

"Why are you leaving, you feel something for me."

I shook my head, "Because I can't stay. I shouldn't have done this to begin with, Yuki was there first." I exited his bedroom and walked to his door, closing it quietly behind me. I leaned against the wall beside it and after a few minutes I heard the lock click. It was time to go home.

I stepped into the apartment I shared with Yuki and took off my shoes. It was late so he was probably sleeping, we had both stopped waiting up- it was a good and a bad thing.

I went to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes before getting into the shower. When I could no longer smell him on me I got out and put on an oversized t-shirt, taking the ring out of the pocket of my pants and slipping it on. I joined Yuki on our bed and he automatically rolled over.

"Shuichi?" his voice was groggy from sleep.

I stroked a hand through his tawny hair and whispered, "Go back to sleep, Yuki."

He pulled me into his arms and a few seconds later the even breathing on my neck told me he was asleep again. If I cried it wasn't acknowledged by either of us in the morning.

Why did I cheat on Yuki? I don't know. Maybe I just didn't want to think for one night, maybe I just wanted to feel good. Maybe I'd always wondered what it'd be like with Ryuichi, wondered what would have happened if Yuki wasn't there first. Either way it isn't excusable but I'm not trying to justify myself. I can't because I don't regret the event in itself and I don't even really regret the way it happened. The point is that it did. But you know what I did feel guilty about? This is the funniest thing. I felt guilty that I waited till I got home to take a shower because I wanted to keep the scent of him on my skin for as long as possible. How fucked up is that?

A/N: And here's the next part of chapter nine. A really long second part to somewhat make up for my long absence as this was supposed to go up in November or December. I bet some of you have been waiting for Shuichi to cheat, hmm? Does anybody recognize the songs? And what did you guys think of the lap dance?

Songs used: In for the Kill by La Roux

Red Blooded Woman by Kylie Minogue

Remedy by Little Boots

Don't Stop Me Now by Queen


	12. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

This chapter is dedicated to Ralyena Starrling, you know why.

Cyanide Chapter 10

After I cheated on Yuki, I think Ryuichi expected something more of me; something that I couldn't give. Maybe he thought everything would just magically fall into place like the last piece of a puzzle. I expected foolish optimism more from me than him, surprisingly. What it really came down to is that Ryuichi wanted to be with me and I wasn't leaving Yuki- not even for him. I went from being stalked to avoided, it was somewhere between amusing, annoying, and painful. On the Monday he cornered me.

He just stared at me in the room for a while before he ran a hand through his hair and spoke, "Why are you still with him? He treats you like crap."

I was waiting for this, I knew eventually we'd talk whether or not we were both avoiding each other, but I still looked around for an escape. It was useless, we were alone and I didn't have anything pressing I needed to do, I'm sure he knew that too.

I shrugged, "I love him."

He was quiet for a moment before he softly asked, "What about me?"

I didn't say anything to that. What could I say to that? 'What _about_ you?' So I just stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.

"Why did you sleep with me then?"

I took a deep breath. That was the question, wasn't it? I'm pretty sure he also knew the answer to it, it was hard not to. I have never been subtle. I may as well have said 'I love you' while he was fucking me. I shot him a measured look and said, "You know why."

He closed his eyes and looked at me again, "Then where does that leave us?"

I shook my head, "It doesn't leave us anywhere. It won't happen again. It _can't_ happen again."

I looked into those deep blue eyes as Ryuichi strode to me. He cupped my face and leaned in until his lips were practically brushing mine. I pulled back.

"Do you regret me?" he asked.

"No," I replied, "But that doesn't mean we can be together."

His eyes searched mine for a moment and he nodded before he left.

When I saw him next we were right back where we started, back at square one. He chose to act like it never happened and I was okay with that. After all, I didn't exactly have room to object, did I? Not when it was my choice. I had already messed up enough.

*(_+_)*-^$##$^-

I woke up and walked to the kitchen, half asleep. I yawned as I walked into the kitchen, putting some bread into the toaster and pouring some tea. If I didn't hurry I'd be late. I took my plate and the tea to the table and sat down. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and brought the toast to my mouth. I really hated Mondays.

"Shuichi."

I blinked and looked up. Yuki was sitting in front of me smoking a cigarette and nursing his coffee.

"We need to talk."

I ate some of my toast, "I have to go to work soon, so you'll have to make this quick, Eiri. What do you want to talk about?"

Eiri frowned and waved his hand in my direction, "This," he took my hand, "Shuichi I don't know what's wrong with you, you've been acting strange lately but I'm worried. Please go back to the way you were, the Shuichi I love. I miss you; you're not the Shuichi I love, you aren't half the time. I'm concerned…I've scheduled you some time with a psychiatrist. You're going to go at the end of this week."

I pushed back from the table so violently that the chair crashed to the ground, "No. I'm not. Who do you think you are? Who are you to tell me that _I'm _going to some shrink? Did you think that maybe you're the reason I'm like this?"

Eiri opened his mouth to answer and I made a slashing motion with my hand.

"Shut up, Eiri," I took a deep breath, calmed down, "You know what? I'm done here. I refuse to do this with you, you are not going to bait me. I am going to work and you will not be seeing me for a while. Do not call me, do not come to see me, do not anything."

I turned and walked out of our apartment. By the end of the week, on the day he wanted me to see the psychiatrist, I moved out.

[(**-+-**)]

It had been a week. A week since I moved out, a week since anyone had seen me outside of clubs, a week since I had been to work. I was sitting on my bed all alone. I don't know why single people bought king sized mattresses, it just highlighted you sitting on a huge bed alone- it just highlighted that there was no one sleeping on it with you. If there was one thing Yuki had spoiled for me it was sleeping alone without someone holding you. Once you get used to it, it was hard to go back to nothing.

I sighed and got up, throwing on some clothes and make-up. A pair of washed out blue jeans, a black tank that was decorated in rips and held together with safety pins, black Nikes, a pair of oversized sunglasses with white frames, and a leather satchel.

I went to my sleek metal kitchen, pulling out my cell phone and calling a cab. Once finished I poured myself some coffee and waited for the cab to arrive.

-1 hour later-

I got out of the taxi only to run into a gaggle of reporters outside of the Nettle Grasper building.

"Shuichi, where did you disappear to?"

"Shuichi, what's up with all your partying?"

"Why did you start smoking?"

I ignored them and kept on walking through the camera flashes.

"Is it true that you got an apartment?"

I stopped and looked at the reporter that asked the question, "Yes, it is."

"Why? Did you break up with Yuki?"

"Yes, I did."

Everything stopped for a second at those words. Everyone expected a denial , to find out it wasn't so. After all, even through all our problems and the other incidences we didn't break up and now for something that wasn't public- that they didn't know about- we suddenly weren't together.

After the pause the same reporter that asked if I got my own apartment asked, "And how are things now?"

I smiled, "Perfect."

I walked away and entered the NG building ignoring the frantic influx of questions behind me and threw over my shoulder just before the doors closed behind me, "No comment."

I walked into the recording studio and everyone whirled around to face me.

"Where the hell have you been?"

I shrugged, bringing up a hand with black painted nails to my sunglasses. I lowered them revealing a thick layer of kohl around my eyes, "Around."

I set the satchel on the chair and opened it taking out a CD, "I wrote a new song, this is the CD with your parts."

I tossed the disc to Hiro and started towards the recording booth when I was stopped by Suguru's voice.

"Wait a minute, do you think you can just come in here, walk in here like you own the place, with no explanation? Where were you? You disappeared for more than a week."

I turned and glared at him, "I got my own apartment, broke up with Eiri. Not that it's any of your business."

Everyone in the room, including Sakano and K gasped.

I looked at Hiro, "Put that disc in, I'm going to sing it once and then you guys are going to tell me what you think and what could be improved."

I walked into the booth, closing the door behind me.

The drums and violin started so I began the first verse.

_* I wish you well, I hope you survive  
I hope you live on, baby, so I can watch you cry_

_'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me  
And you'll come running back_

_I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you  
I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you_

_I pity the fools who believe in you  
'Cause I know someday now they'll see your colors too  
And if you see a smile, both sides of my face _

_No, I'm doing good now since you've been erased_

_'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me  
And you'll come running back_

_I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you  
I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you_

_I'm gonna rain on you  
I'm gonna rain on you  
I'm gonna rain on you, you, you_

_I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you  
I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you_

_I'm gonna rain on your parade, no, I won't take it again  
And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you_

I closed my eyes as I sang, putting my heart into it. When I opened them I saw Tohma, Noriko, and Ryuichi looking at me from outside the booth with my bandmates. I clenched my hands and sang harder, smacking one of my hands into the glass when the last chorus came up.

The song finished and I took a deep breath, I would not cry- not anymore. I stepped out of the booth and looked at them, crossing my arms. I raised an eyebrow, "Well?"

Hiro looked at me like his heart was breaking and reached out to me, pulling into his arms, his scent-vanilla and coconut with musk- surrounding me.

"What did Yuki do to you?"

I pulled out of his arms in jerky movements, for a moment he tried to hold me tighter but when I kept struggling he let go, "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

I looked at everyone else in the room, they all looked like they were on the verge of questioning me but at the same time there was pity in their gazes, as if I would break. Ryuichi looked mad, like he had an idea of what I was singing about, so did Tohma.

I didn't want to keep looking at them, not when they were looking at me like that. It took everything I had not to break down and I held on to the cold control that I had managed to build during my relationship with Yuki along with my anger to not start crying. There wasn't a point now, crying would do nothing for me. It could come later, I still had a point to make.

"What did you think of it?" I didn't want to see the looks on their faces anymore so I changed the subject, everyone got my prompt.

K was nodding, "It's good, the fans will like it. Different from what you usually do but then so was Gray Areas and that only increased your fan base."

I said nothing and looked at him, my gaze instinctually drifted over to Ryuichi and I met his eyes before looking away. I shook myself out of it and continued my line of questioning.

"What about the instrumentals?"

"They're good too," K answered, "We'll need to hire a drummer."

I nodded and sat down, "I want to add a background of my voice to the chorus, it would be a constant 'ohohohohohoh' just for the chorus though. I also want to add an echo back of the verses. If you play back part of the song I'll show you."

K nodded and I got up, heading toward the booth. Hiro caught my hand as I was walking past and I looked at him, "I'm fine," I whispered. When he looked at me dubiously, I comforted him, "Look, I'll come to your place after this and we'll hang out." I found it ironic that with everything that had happened _I _was trying to make _him_ feel better instead of the other way around. But who knows? Maybe he would have if I had let him. I stepped into the booth.

When they played back the chorus I demonstrated and came back out.

"What did you think?" I asked.

"It was good, sounded better that way."

I nodded, "I know."

-+++-!(^)!-+++-

I groaned as my head met the wall with a sharp crack, black dots taking over my vision. Ryuichi was fucking me into the wall with a fury only I seemed to inspire in people.

I tried to thrust back against him but it was difficult, being wrapped around him like I was. The breath whooshed out of my body every time he thrust as my back met the wall. My breath hitched as pain and pleasure became one and overwhelmed me. My eyes rolled back into my head as Ryuichi nailed my prostate and I bit through my lip trying to keep quiet. My nails scrabbled at his back for purchase, instead slipping on sweaty skin.

Ryuichi's eyes were burning blue flame as they bored into me. I tried to move and he just pressed harder into me, making me whine low in my throat. Ryuichi hitched my legs higher on his hips and it became even harder to move. He thrust into me again and one of my hands left his shoulder to brace, clutch, steady myself against the wall.

I began to babble, to beg, for something out of reach. I didn't know what I was saying, what I was asking for but I wanted. I sucked in desperate gulps of air; trying to breathe, think, clear my head. How had I even ended up here? What was I doing? Semi-coherent thought was pounded out of me as if Ryuichi sensed what I was trying to do. He started pushing into me harder and faster and I went aflame. It hurt and I knew I'd feel it later but it felt too good to stop right now.

My vision started to blur and go gray and white in places from the collisions with the wall when Ryuichi did a little twist motion with his hips that _grinded_ against me. I was gone. I lost control of my limbs as my orgasm screamed through me, wrecked me, shattered me. Pure sensation ran through me like a conduit, such intense pain and pleasure that I felt numb afterward. I slumped forward against Ryuichi, no energy to even prop myself against the wall.

Ryuichi hitched his hands under my legs and carried me to the bed before dropping me abruptly onto it. I hissed as I collided with the bed and glared up at Ryuichi, "What was that-"

The singer stepped forward and I frowned when I realized that he hadn't come. He got on the bed and crawled toward me and I felt wariness creep through me at the look on his face. What was he up to?

When he was at my feet, Ryuichi violently shoved my legs open, crawling up the space between them. He met my eyes briefly before he swallowed my cock. My hips jerked and a sound of complaint left me. I was caught between being oversensitive and it feeling good. I tried to move my hips away from him again but he just moved with me. I pulled at his hair to get him off me and some point during trying to remove him I became hard again. Ryuichi used his mouth to bring me close again and I felt like I was losing my mind. He sucked, deep-throating me before coming back up and playing with my slit. He nibbled at the crown while he played with me balls and took just the head in and purred around it. He drew out the different reactions and feelings from me till I writhed on the bed beneath him slipping into ecstasy. I was so close I could almost taste it, an almost unpleasant tingle moving through my body from two orgasms so close that it was almost uncomfortable. I tried to twist, do something, anything but Ryuichi's hands held my hips down and kept me from moving where it mattered. Sweat dampened my body and I clutched the sheets of his bed as if it would keep me from falling apart and flying into nothingness.

When I was on the brink Ryuichi just suddenly stopped. No movement, no friction, no maddening touches- I nearly smacked him. I whined in my throat and tried to pull him back to me but he just batted my hands away and moved back up my body before suddenly thrusting into me. A breathless little sound left me and I automatically clenched around him, feeling his fullness inside. My hands moved up to touch him and steady myself. He growled at me and pinned me against the bed, giving me little range of motion. His position on me stopped me from moving too much but it didn't give him much room to move either if he wanted to keep me like that. He ground into me and circled his hips.

"_Ryuuiiiichiiiii! Aaahhhhh. Guh."_

A small part of me was embarrassed that I was making so much noise when Ryuichi was silent except for the sound of his breathing. I tried to tone it down, biting into already bleeding lips and trying to bury my head in his throat to stifle the sounds. Ryuichi moved one of his hands and yanked my head back, laying a stinging set of bites all around my neck; I knew without having to look at them that they would leave a mark. I cried out, jerking.

His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, "Give me everything. I want to see all of you. I want to hear you moan for me."

He began moving again, little stuttering thrusts that drove me crazy with how they felt. He'd stop and grind into me for a few minutes, just circling in me and all of the sensations together pushed me to my limit. My eyes closed and I started losing myself in orgasm.

Ryuichi's hand touched my face and he breathed against my lips, "Look at me. Don't close your eyes."

As my orgasm flowed through me in fits and starts and violence, brilliant in it's intensity, Ryuichi kissed me, blue eyes looking straight at me, into me.

He licked my lips, "Mine." It was almost snarled. It claimed me. And I was lost.

When I woke up it was with Ryuichi behind me, spooned to me, breath stirring my hair. I turned around and looked at him, he looked smug even in sleep, as if he knew something everyone else didn't, like he was playing a game only he knew the rules to. I wasn't sure whether I was mad at him or not but I did know that I wasn't staying. He had known what my stance was about being with him and he had still taken advantage of a moment of weakness on my part. Yeah, Yuki was no longer in the picture but I still felt mostly used. If he liked and wanted me as much as he said then he should have known that sleeping with me when I felt like crap would only make things worse in the long run. Sure it felt good while it was happening but nothing between Yuki and me had changed, it didn't make anything better. I was disappointed, I had given into him as I was wont to do and the only thing it did was make me feel exploited.

I wasn't stupid, I knew what tonight was about. What he said during sex wasn't forgotten and neither were his actions. This was about control and him showing me that he had it over me. This was about him being frustrated with me and proving a point. This was about him being possessive. I looked around the shadow-bathed room and spotted my clothing. It was time to leave. I guess we were too alike after all.

$$$$^**)(-)(**^$$$

I looked at the contours of his face and body, silvered by the moonlight and stroked a hand through his hair before getting up.

I pulled on some clothing and closed the door behind me before walking through the apartment, past the living room and kitchen to a small office like room on the side. I hadn't woken him because he looked so serene sleeping; there was also the additional reason of not wanting to talk. If he woke up then he'd wonder why I was awake and either try to discuss things or keep me there, I had no desire to do any of those things.

I walked over to the piano, running my fingers over the keys, before sitting on the bench. Sometimes when I needed to let go and find some peace of mind I played, I was hoping it would work for me this time too. I set my fingers to the keys and began.

_*I can't believe what you said to me  
Last night when we were alone  
You threw your hands up  
Baby you gave up, you gave up_

_I can't believe how you looked at me  
With your James Dean glossy eyes  
In your tight jeans with your long hair  
And your cigarette stained lies_

_Could we fix you if you broke?  
And is your punch line just a joke?_

_I'll never talk again  
Oh boy you've left me speechless  
You've left me speechless, so speechless  
And I'll never love again,  
Oh boy you've left me speechless  
You've left me speechless, so speechless_

_I can't believe how you slurred at me  
With your half wired broken jaw  
You popped my heart seams  
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams_

_I can't believe how you looked at me  
With your Johnnie Walker eyes  
He's gonna get you and after he's through  
There's gonna be no love left to rye_

_And I know that it's complicated  
But I'm a loser in love so baby _

_Raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts  
Of all my wrecked up friends_

_I'll never talk again  
Oh boy you've left me speechless  
You've left me speechless so speechless  
I'll never love again,  
Oh friend you've left me speechless  
You've left me speechless, so speechless_

_How? How? How?_

_How? How? How?_

_And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to  
Would you give it all up? Could I give it all up for you?  
And after all the boys and girls that we've been through  
Would you give it all up? Could you give it all up if I promise boy to you?_

_That I'll never talk again and I'll never love again  
I'll never write a song, won't even sing along  
I'll never love again, so speechless  
You left me speechless, so speechless_

_Will you ever talk again?  
Oh boy, why you so speechless?  
You've left me speechless so speechless  
Some men may follow me  
But you choose any[one] but me  
Why you so speechless? Uh huh _

I paused for a moment after I finished the song before I reached for the notebook I kept on top of the piano and jotted down the words and music notes. I relished the sound of silence broken only by the scratching of the pencil on the notebook before I closed the book and placed it back in its spot. A lot of songs I came up with happened this way. Just sitting at home and tinkering with the keys but they were generally only good if I was stressed. A part of me wondered if I'd be half the singer, success, I was if it weren't for Yuki. Another part of me found that ironic.

I stared down at the piano for a few moments before I put my hands above the keys again, hesitated, and started playing.

_**You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee  
And I just have to look away  
A million miles between us  
Planets crashing into dust  
I just let it fade away_

_I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet  
I see your car parked on the road  
The light on at your window  
I know for sure that you're home  
But I just have to pass on by_

_So no of course we can't be friends  
Not while I'm still this obsessed  
I guess I always knew the score  
This is how our story ends_

_I smoke your brand of cigarettes  
And pray that you might give me a call  
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls  
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born  
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home_

_So no of course we can't be friends  
Not while I still feel like this  
I guess I always knew the score  
This is where our story ends_

_You left behind some clothes  
My belly somersaults when I pick them off the floor  
My friends all say they're worried  
I'm looking far too skinny  
I've stopped returning all their calls_

_And no of course we can't be friends  
Not while I'm still so obsessed  
I want to ask where I went wrong  
But don't say anything at all_

_It took a cup of coffee  
To prove that you don't love me_

I stared at the piano desolately for a moment. I didn't really feel much better, in fact, I kind of felt pitiful. When had I gotten so dependant? Was it around the time I lost myself? When had I fallen so low?

My eyes caught the notebook and I shook my head. This song…this song wasn't one for the book; it meant too much- it was too close to home. I heard a door click shut and got off the piano bench and made my way to my room. If Hiro was still sleeping in there he'd probably notice my absence soon. I climbed into the bed beside him and snuggled into his warmth. Some days it seemed like I'd never stop feeling cold so I felt grateful for his presence, he always seemed to make everything just a little bit better.

The next day Hiro left early in the morning but when I next saw him later that afternoon he had a black eye and a swollen nose, he refused to meet my eyes. I was sure that if he took of his jacket I'd see more bruises. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he heard me playing the night before and had decided to do something about it.

It made me wonder what Yuki looked like.

A/N: There's chapter ten and it's actually on time. I bet you guys weren't expecting that. Songs are: Rain on Your Parade by Duffy, Speechless by Lady Gaga, and Cup of Coffee by Garbage. I had actually intended on another song for the first song but ended up changing it the day of.


	13. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Cyanide Chapter 11

I paced the in hallways of my apartment. I couldn't sleep. Sure, I missed having someone to sleep curled around and was used to hearing another breathing pattern, almost like a lullaby, coaxing me to sleep but it was more than that on my mind. I just couldn't ignore what Yuki said before I broke up with him when he called me crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was under duress- and it was affecting my sleep. It also…hurt. I should have been use to it by now but I still felt that blow a lot more than I wanted to. Five years together. That's how long we had stuck together through thick and thin, through the abuse we put each other through, through everything. And it had all come to an end with him calling me insane. After everything _that's_ how it had ended. I was kind of relieved and sad at the same time; I'd never felt so free and lonely before, like I could breathe again.

But it was three o'clock in the morning and I didn't have the slightest hope of getting some sleep, despite that freedom. I paced around my apartment and wondered if I _was_ going crazy, was that what everyone else thought of me? I hadn't been my usual cheerful, bouncy–quite literally– self in a while but I didn't get the impression that any of the band thought I was crazy aside from my antics and I had quit most of those. I stopped that line of thought because thinking about how I was so long ago kind of made me nostalgic and sick. I felt sad for what I lost and disbelief that I was ever really like that, it was almost cringe worthy.

I shook my head and grabbed my song writing book and a pen, if I couldn't sleep maybe I could do something useful. As I wrote, I unconsciously continued to pace.

_*All day staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall  
All night hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep  
Because tomorrow might be good for something  
Hold on, feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown  
And I don't know why_

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell  
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be… me

I'm talking to myself in public, dodging glances on the train  
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me  
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think  
There must be something wrong with me  
Out of all the hours thinking, somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell  
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep  
Pretty soon they'll come to get me  
Yeah, they're taking me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell  
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be  
Well, I'm just a little unwell  
How I used to be, how I used to be  
I'm just a little unwell

If I cried while I was writing or if teardrops fell on the pages they were ignored. I put the book away and lied down on my big bed staring at nothing before losing myself in the fitful oblivion of sleep.

I tried not to fidget in the outfit I was wearing. I looked amazing but it was very uncomfortable. I was doing a photo shoot with Bad Luck to garner some good press and because it had been promised months ahead of time– I had become a bit of a recluse lately, it was more peaceful.

The makeup was practically caked on and itched a bit but I resisted the urge to scratch. They never used to have to put so much on but I didn't look the greatest post-breakup. Come to think of it, I hadn't looked the greatest pre-breakup either. I had managed to put back on a little of weight– mostly because Hiro watched me like a hawk– but I was still almost painfully skinny and still had huge bags under my eyes, my complexion wasn't really the best either.

Looking at me in makeup you wouldn't be able to tell all of that. I suppose that's what the wonders of make-up were, why everyone bought so much of it. My skin had a healthy looking glow, my eyes an even healthier looking outline of kohl, and my lips were a dark plum colour. My hair was messily arranged, a little falling into my face, and my nails had a shiny coat of black paint. The outfits were what was really impressive though– mine and Hiro and Suguru's. I was wearing a purple corset that laced up in the back with black ribbon and skintight, black vinyl pants. Over the pants were a pair of thigh high leather boots with a slight heel and around my neck was a collar with a leash attached. Hiro and Suguru were wearing matching outfits of black slacks, white dress shirts with a black vest over top and purple garter belt like things on their arms– they were positioned on either side of me.

"Alright, Shindou-san. I need you to get on your knees between them and crawl towards us…look up at the camera…that's it…bare your teeth…excellent. Nakano-san hold the leash. Shindou-san go back to Nakano and Fujisaki-san. Yes…Nakano-san rest a hand on Shindou-san's head…smile… Shindou-san, turn your back toward me and look over your shoulder… perfect."

I impatiently did as the photographer instructed until he deemed he had enough pictures, seeing spots in my eyes from the flash of the cameras. I had a semi-interview next that would be going out with this set of pictures. I sat at a table– Hiro and Suguru had different tables since we would all be getting interviewed– and waited for the person that would be interviewing me.

A man sat across from me. "Shindou-san, I apologize for the delay, I will be interviewing you. Shall we get started?"

I nodded and he jumped right into the questions.

"Can you tell me why you and Yuki-san broke up?" He had the tape recorder ready and a small notebook with a pen.

I shrugged, "Things weren't working out anymore."

"Can you be more specific?"

"We had a disagreement and decided to call it quits. We've been together a long time and sometimes it's just time for a change."

"What was the disagreement about?"

I smiled, "I'm sorry, that's personal."

He nodded, "Alright. Are you currently seeing anybody?"

"No."

"Are you interested in anybody right now?"

An image of Ryuichi flashed in my head and I cleared it, I didn't want to be interested in him– I just was. I lied, "No."

"How does it feel to be single after five years?"

I held on to my smile with pure will power, "It feels great."

"Are you open to dating or will you stay single for a while?"

I shrugged again, "I don't know. I'll probably remain single for a while longer but if I meet someone I like…then why not? I'd be willing to give things a try." I didn't mention that those odds were very unlikely. Yuki was more than enough pain, I wasn't doing that again.

"Has being single inspired you?"

"Partially, it gives you a new perspective."

"What advice would you give your fans about breakups?"

I laughed a bit, "I'm not sure, I'm not really good at giving advice. But if I had to say something I'd say that sometimes it doesn't always work out. The person that's the love of your life may not remain that way forever, and that's okay. Life goes on and sometimes you come out better from it. Eventually it will hurt less. And sometimes the change leads to better things, people, opportunities."

"Has your breakup with Yuki done that?"

I smiled, "That remains to be seen."

"Were you hurt by the breakup between you and Yuki-san?"

"Was I hurt? Yeah. I think all breakups hurt even if just a little and I was with Yuki for a long time."

"Are you working on a new album?"

"Hmmm," I said, "I'm not actively working on anything but I've written a few songs so something might be in the works."

"Will it be different from your other albums?"

I smirked, "Oh, yeah. This one will be really different. You guys might not know what hit you."

I met the guy that would become my next boyfriend at a spa; he was my masseuse. Funnily enough, it was Hiro's fault that we met. Apparently I had a chip on my shoulder the size of a small continent after Yuki and I broke up– I was getting the impression that it was there way before that, but Hiro's a nice guy– and thus needed to relax, on him of course.

I relaxed in the hot tub, I did the facial, I did the manicure and pedicure, and was ready to call it a day when the masseuse walked in. I took one look at him and shook my head before pulling my robe tighter about myself and standing up.

"Is there a reason that you're in my room?"

The man looked at my oddly. He had pretty brown eyes. "I'm here to give you a massage."

I frowned, "I don't need one."

"You look like you really do."

I scowled at him, "Well thank you for your opinion, as unnecessary as it is. I think I'd know what I need more than you would."

He held up big, graceful hands. Was I developing some sort of fetish? "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping any bounds. I just thought I could help. I've seen you on the television before and you just look really stressed out."

Did I really look how I felt on TV? I thought I had been doing better than that. "What's your point?" I asked sharply, "Just because I'm a little stressed doesn't mean I want or need a massage."

The world flickered and tilted and I grabbed the chair, gasping, as I tried to keep from falling.

The man rushed over and steadied me, helping me to the bed as I blinked rapidly, trying to make the world set itself to rights. His hands were warm, strong.

I shook my head, "I can't do this. I need to get out of here. I need to go home."

"Okay." Hand kneaded at my shoulders and I relaxed marginally, "When was the last time you ate?" The kneading hands moved up to my neck.

I shook my head again, confused. "I don't know. This morning?" I moaned as some of the tension released in my neck, sinking a bit onto the bed.

"Alright. I'm going to get you something to eat. Stay here for a bit and then you can leave, you don't want to pass out in public."

I nodded and lay down on the bed, making myself more comfortable and closing my eyes.

I opened them to a hand lightly shaking my shoulder and found myself looking into sparkling, brown eyes. He held a tray in his hands. "I have tea and water, I also got you a few types of bread and riceballs since I wasn't sure what you liked."

"Thank you."

He watched as I picked at a bit of everything until he was satisfied that I had enough. "What's your name?"

"Satou Akio."

I tentatively smiled, "I'm Shindou Shuichi, nice to meet you."

Satou grinned at me and brushed some of his sort-of-long hair behind his ears, "Nice to meet you too. Would you like a massage?"

I bit my lip and shrugged, "You know, I think I would."

Hiro smiled at me and ruffled my hair. It was his compromise to hugging me all the time.

"What are you so bubbly about? You seem happier than usual."

I ducked under his hand and lifted a shoulder. "Nothing much. It's just a good day."

Hiro gave me a look, that look that asked if I really thought he was that stupid. I couldn't help grinning and shook my head, entwining one of my arms with his.

"Hiro…it's just a really good day. I think with time, maybe Yuki won't hurt so much. Maybe I'll actually be happy or close enough to it."

Hiro pulled me into a half hug and looked at me seriously. "You do deserve it, Shuichi. You deserve that chance just as much as everyone else, if not more."

A half smile tugged at my lips, "I don't know, do I?"

I leaned into Akio and kissed him. He was so beautiful, kind, warm. And I could never love him. It was like part of me died. I leaned against his frame and tried to absorb as much of that warmth as I could while it lasted. I wasn't even completely sure how this happened. I was being selfish, latching on like this to the first person outside of my situation that showed any real kindness, but I couldn't help it. There was genuine affection on my part for him but it would never be anything more, and if it could I probably wouldn't let it. Yuki had left his brand on me, no one could hurt you like the people you loved and I couldn't let that happen again.

"Akio..." I sighed, "Don't fall in love with me."

Those big, graceful hands framed my face and made me look at him, "Why?" Such a loaded question though it was only one word.

I smiled sadly, "Because I'll never be able to love you back."

He laid a light kiss on my lips, "You'll never be mine, will you?"

I shook my head. He deserved more than me, he deserved more than a broken person.

"Then when the time comes, I'll let you go. Just let me take care of you till then."

I nodded, that I could do. "Alright," I was silent for a moment, "And thank you."

Hiro was examining me. If I didn't know my best friend better I would say that he was stripping me with his eyes.

"Shuichi, you look good, really good. And less angry. When are you going to tell me what's up?"

I shrugged and was about to put him off again, I just wanted to keep this to myself for a little bit longer before it exploded into the press, when Ryuichi came in. He examined me just like Hiro had, all the while acting like a kid, before glomping me.

"Shuichi, na no da! You're shining again, you've put on more weight!"

I nodded and smiled, "Yeah." I just happened to have a boyfriend that liked to ensure I ate. He also happened to be an amazing cook so it was no hardship. He really did take good care of me.

"Shuichi, go out with me and Kumagoro!"

I got the impression that he wasn't asking for a play date or even something friendly, he wanted to go out on an actual date. And if he had asked me before or even hadn't slept with me I probably would have said yes because who he was to me even if he had just as much potential to hurt me like Yuki had but things were finally starting to look up again, I wouldn't ruin what I had with Akio. Ryuichi and I probably wouldn't work out in the long term anyway.

I sighed, "Ryuichi, I can't," I didn't even bother pretending that I didn't know what he was really talking about, "we would never work out anyway."

"How would you know?" Ryuichi asked quietly, "You've never given me a chance."

I turned away, "I'm seeing someone." I could feel Hiro and Ryuichi's stares bore into my back.

"What? Why didn't you tell me?" Hiro asked.

"Because I wanted to keep it to myself for just a bit longer. I liked the idea of my life not being splashed in tabloids. Of me not being a wreck for once, I've been in a downward spiral with Yuki as long as I've been famous, this is like a breath of fresh air. I really like him, things are just so easy and smooth between us," I looked at Ryuichi, "You're kind of like Yuki but in a different way, I don't think you have his worse qualities but you're both emotionally draining. Things with Akio and me are just so easy, so simple, and I want that. I want to not have to try and still have things work."

Ryuichi's blue eyes were piercing as he looked at me, "I see." He turned around and strode out of the room.

I sighed, "Well that could have gone better."

Hiro shook his head, "You have a knack for understatement. But he'll be back, he likes you," he shook his head again, "It's always so odd to see him act like a grown up even though I've seen it before."

"Yeah. I suppose he does only on the things that matter."

Of course the secret that Akio and I were dating didn't stay secret for much longer but things were still pretty easy between us. Even though he was my boyfriend, he was one of the least complicating people in my life and I was grateful for that. He made me feel good and normal and I needed that. We went out and it was never stilted, we were just a normal couple having fun. The fact that he had absolutely magical hands certainly never hurt anything. Akio was one of the best things that happened to me and with him I reached a semblance of peace. But the storm was always there waiting in the background, just biding its time to cause the most destruction, and its name was Yuki Eiri. When news that Akio and I were dating came out, he became a man with a mission. And that mission was me.

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving everyone. The song in this chapter is Unwell by Matchbox 20. Thanks for sticking around even though I take forever to update, the plus side to that is that Cyanide is almost complete, 4-5 chapters left to go and we'll be done. I'll do my best to keep the remaining updates constant.


End file.
